Transformation Archives • Holly Scherer

10 empowering books to read during times of crisis

No matter who you are, where you live, how much you make, and where you came from, life is going to throw you challenges from time to time. Job loss, health problems, financial struggles, losing loved ones, and global health crises happen to all of us. But no matter how scary it feels, there is so much within your power and you can come out the other side stronger. One of the best ways to do this is through empowering books.

As a child, I loved books. I had a set of children’s encyclopedias that I was obsessed with. I couldn’t believe the world that existed outside of my small-town life. The places, animals, and the people were beyond anything I could have imagined. I wanted to learn everything.

When I got older and began working my way through school, reading lost its appeal in my quest to fit in. Thankfully, I rediscovered my passion for reading and learning more than a decade ago. To say it has changed my life is an understatement.

Just as I did when I was a child, I discovered a whole new world of possibility. I learned that I didn’t have to spend my whole life at a miserable job I hated. I learned that I didn’t have to wait until retirement to find financial freedom. I learned that I didn’t have to suffer the same health conditions as my family and I learned how I could heal myself through lifestyle changes.

Today I live a life I never could have imagined just two decades ago. And I owe it to empowering books.

The learning never ends. I read between 20 and 50 books each year, many of which I read multiple times. I’ve learned so much from these empowering books that I feel a responsibility to share them. The first list I compiled was 13 Books for More Courage, Clarity, and Confidence. There are some downright life-changing books on that list. You can check it out here.

13 Must Read Books for More Courage, Clarity, and Confidence

The second list I compiled was 17 Books to Transform Your Life. This list includes the seven books I believe EVERYONE should read as well as the ten best books I read that year. You can check out that list here.

17 books to transform your life in just 15 minutes a day

And that brings us to today’s empowering book list.

If you’re reading this in the future, you should know that this post was originally published in 2020. Among other things, this year has bought us a global health crisis, historic unemployment rates, police brutality, civil unrest, and a divisive presidential election.

The entire country, and world, is experiencing these things together. But we’re all having a unique experience. We’re all struggling differently.

Some have lost loved ones and others have lost their income. People have lost their social outlets and others have lost free time due to exponential demands on their business. Families have full houses and new challenges.

I think it’s safe to say that it’s been a hard year for everyone.

That said, there is one thing I’d like to caution you of. As I’ve checked in on friends throughout the year, I hear time and time again that, “I know how fortunate I am and that I have it so much better than everyone else…”

I feel like we’ve resorted to ranking what struggles are worthy of discussing and which are not. This is what Brené Brown calls comparative suffering. In her book Rising Strong she writes:

“Comparative suffering is a function of fear and scarcity. Falling down, screwing up, and facing hurt often lead to bouts of second-guessing our judgment, our self-trust, and even our worthiness. I am enough can slowly turn into Am I really enough? If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past decade, it’s that fear and scarcity immediately trigger comparison, and even pain and hurt are not immune to being assessed and ranked.
My husband died and that grief is worse than your grief over an empty nest. I’m not allowed to feel disappointed about being passed over for a promotion when my friend just found out that his wife has cancer. You’re feeling shame for forgetting your son’s school play? Please—that’s a first-world problem; there are people dying of starvation every minute.
The opposite of scarcity is not abundance; the opposite of scarcity is simply enough. Empathy is not finite, and compassion is not a pizza with eight slices. When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around. There’s more. Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world. The refugee in Syria doesn’t benefit more if you conserve your kindness only for her and withhold it from your neighbor who’s going through a divorce. Yes, perspective is critical. But I’m a firm believer that complaining is okay as long as we piss and moan with a little perspective. Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us.”
Brené Brown, Rising Strong

When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around. There’s more. – Brené Brown Click To Tweet

This year has really sucked at times. It’s been hard in different ways for each of us. And you have permission to say this without acknowledging how much better you have it than others. Hard is hard. Hurt is hurt. Owning the pain is the first step to moving forward.

Thank you for obliging that little tangent.

So now what do we do?

I believe we have two choices during these times of crisis. We can either wallow in the economy, the lack of jobs, the stress, and the weight gain. Or we can take back power over the things we CAN control. Yes, I understand that it’s not that black and white. That said, I don’t know of anyone who wouldn’t benefit from the latter and picking up one of these empowering books.

Click the title or image to go straight to the book’s Amazon page.

1 – How Not to Diet

For some, 2020 has been a wake-up call to take back their health. Since the beginning of this pandemic, we’ve heard that obesity is a major risk factor for severe Covid-19. But more recently, the CDC has warned that even being moderately overweight may increase the odds of severe disease. “By the new calculus, more than two-thirds of Americans may be at risk of severe Covid-19 if infected.” I don’t know about you, but I find this very alarming.

In a previous post, I mentioned Dr. Michael Greger’s book How Not to Die. While I don’t agree with everything in the book, like his campaign for soy, and feeling like the studies were cherry-picked, I do believe that this is one of the most empowering books to help you heal your body with food.

Over the summer, I dove into his new book, How Not to Diet. And let me just say that if you are sick of yo-yo dieting and ready to make lifestyle changes that are proven to reverse disease and increase longevity, this is the book for you.

I truly believe that we’ll get this virus under control. And I also believe that this won’t be the last global health crisis in my lifetime. So why not empower yourself by reading one of these great books and improve your health?

2 – Lost Connections

Sticking with the health and wellness theme, I picked up the book Lost Connections, with the intention to use it as research for a post I was writing on friendship.

Let me just say, WOW!!! While this book is about Hari’s journey to heal his depression, everything he covers is relevant to what we are collectively experiencing right now.

Whether or not you’re depressed, or know someone who is, this book will help you make changes to your lifestyle that bring better health and wellbeing. It will help you understand what people are missing and ideas to help them find these “lost connections.” This was one of the most empowering books I’ve ever read and should be on everyone’s must-read list.

3 – Together

I feel like the two previous authors and Dr. Murthy instinctively knew what was on tap for us in 2020 when they set out to write the first three books on this list. As I read them, I couldn’t get over how timely they were.

Together was another book I read to prepare for my piece on friendship. It was so good and filled with so much data that I actually read it twice in a row.

We’re living in a very divisive time. It seems most people are on edge and could explode at any moment. We’re lonely and afraid and it’s killing us.

But there’s hope. It’s not easy. Nor is it comfortable. But we can begin to heal this broken world through human connection. And that starts by healing our connection to ourselves. Pick up Together to learn how you can do your part.

4 – Top Five Regrets of the Dying

I’m kind of obsessed with death. I’m probably a bit strange. But if I were to find out tomorrow that it was my last day, I’d want to feel like I did the best I could and didn’t waste my time here on earth. I try to live like I’m here forever and like my time is limited; if that makes sense. I try to live like my life is short and also long.

Life is short. And life is long. Click To Tweet

There’s one section of this book, in particular, that ties back to everything I’ve talked about thus far. Regret 4: I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends.

Among other things, we’re in a crisis of connection. My friendship post didn’t come from nowhere. It was part of a multi-year conversation about how lonely we are and how to fix it. For example, in an unscientific Instagram poll, I asked, ‘other than your significant other, do you have a friend you could turn to if you needed help?’ 40 percent of people who responded said no. And I must admit that I was one of them.

These numbers are heartbreaking but fortunately, it’s not too late to improve. I’m living proof.

This book will open your eyes to what’s really important when people find themselves at the end of their lives. There are beautiful stories of healing and plenty of reminders that it’s never too late.

5 – Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

I belong to a membership group with a well-known psychologist. One of the features is a monthly book club. I always check out the books and add any that might be helpful to my reading list. This happens to be one I hadn’t read and added.

Do you know that feeling when you read a book at the exact right time in your life? This was one of those experiences.

Earlier in this post, I wrote about 2020, and everyone I talk to repeating, “I realize how fortunate I am and that so many others have it worse … ” If you relate to this statement, you might be an internalizer.

I need to read this book again before I can speak intelligently about it. In the meantime, I want to share this experience with you. The day before I started this book, I checked in with a friend to see how they were doing. The response was the typical, “I’m so fortunate, but…”

They went on to express how they feel like they’re always holding everyone else up and no one ever checks in to see how they’re doing. Oh man, could I relate. I felt immense empathy for my friend and at the same time, I felt relieved that I wasn’t alone. I later told them how grateful I was that they shared this because I feel this way too sometimes, but have never had the courage to express it. I just told myself to stop being a baby, suck it up, and stop feeling sorry for myself.

In the meantime, I brought this conversation up with another trusted confidant. They admitted to having this experience too. We discussed how sometimes it feels like everyone is sucking us dry and there are not enough people in our lives who are willing to fill us back up.

It turns out that there’s a word for this. All three of us are internalizers. As I said, I need to read this book again before I can relay its lessons. But for now, I can tell you that it offers solid advice for recognizing dysfunction, confronting it, and healing in a healthy way. It’s full of so many amazing tips that I recommend adding it to your must-read empowering books list.

6 – Radical Compassion

I wrote about Dr. Brach’s book Radical Acceptance in this post. This book was life-changing for me and many other people I know. What I find most interesting about this book is how it resonated with men. It’s not something that I’d expect, but almost all of the recommendations I’ve heard for this book came from the opposite sex.

For me, Radical Compassion didn’t have the same effect on my life as Radical Acceptance. But I felt it was an important book to add to this list for the actionable and practical healing it can offer. If just half of us read this book and simply tried to implement the teachings, we’d be living in a completely different world.

7 – Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself

This book is similar to the last book I mentioned. I believe that Radical Compassion is a great way to start Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself.

Remember what I said about the right book at the right time? That’s a real consideration for this book. To some of you, it may seem a bit woo woo. But having read The Body Keeps the Score multiple times, I’m sold on the mind-body connection.

The description for this book reads, “You are not doomed by your genes and hardwired to be a certain way for the rest of your life.”

Coming from a family history of diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, dementia, high cholesterol, obesity, glaucoma, and more; I believed for many years that this too was my fate. And my husband Jer’s family history is even worse. But here we are in our mid-forties and doctors have told us that, “You’re the model of perfect health,” and “It’s like you’re reverse aging.”

If you’re open to the idea that you too could break the habit, heal your body, and your life; why not take a chance on this five-star book?

8 – The Enneagram and The Enneagram of Belonging

Looking for more ways to break the habit of being yourself? Check out the enneagram. I first mentioned the enneagram in this post and have since gone much deeper into the topic.

The enneagram has become a part of pop culture in recent years which is good and bad. It’s good because it’s brought this useful information to the mainstream. And bad because it’s becoming just another personality quiz and has lost some of its depth to memes.

The enneagram isn’t a personality type but more of an ego structure. Our type is formed from our deepest childhood wound, or as Heuertz explains in The Enneagram of Belonging, our kid-life crisis.

Learning about the Enneagram has been helpful to me and Jer in both our work and personal lives. These two empowering books also helped me work through some things this year that I previously thought I was stuck with.

I’m an Enneagram One, which many enneagram authors cite as the most challenging enneagram number to be. Jer’s the other number they say is most challenging. Lucky us.

The Enneagram One is also known as The Perfectionist or The Reformer. If you think we’re hard on you, you should see how we treat ourselves.

As a One, my passion, or my ego’s basic coping mechanism, is anger. Or as I jokingly tell people, ‘resentment is my superpower.’ Here’s a modern-day example of dealing with my one anger.

I don’t know what things were like in 2020 in your part of the world, but here in Minnesota, Covid-19 made the outdoors a friggen circus. What was once a peaceful escape for many of us became a place of entitlement and blatant disregard.

Everywhere I went I found myself fuming at how unapologetically people were disrespecting the outdoors. Then I was mad at myself for allowing other people to affect my emotions. It’s a vicious cycle I’m telling you. It almost ruined my entire summer.

And then I had an epiphany. What if this anger isn’t here to torment me, but to inspire me to do good?

And that was the day my new messaging, Find Yourself Outside, started to come together. Over the next year, I’ll be focused on creating content to help you step outside your comfort zone to find the courage and confidence to be true to you. All thanks to the enneagram.

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A post shared by Holly | Find Yourself Outside (@hollyscherer)

If you want to learn more about the Enneagram, check out these two great books!

9 – Kitchen Table Wisdom

As I write this, I’ve read 45 books and counting this year. Many of these were audiobooks that I turned to instead of podcasts when I could no longer handle the current events of the year.

As I read this book, I was certain that it wouldn’t make this year’s most empowering books list. But I changed my mind when I noticed myself repeatedly telling Jer about ‘this story from my book today.’

There were days this book didn’t wow me and others that it blew my mind in deep and meaningful ways. And for that reason, I highly recommend adding it to your empowering books list.

10 – The Law of Divine Compensation

Last on this list is the first book I read in this new decade. I actually owned this book for three years before opening it. And I have to believe it’s with good reason.

First off, both Jer and I both grew up incredibly poor. It’s been quite the journey to learn how to allow wealth to flow into our lives. I don’t know that I could have grasped the concepts in this book until this year.

And second, it’s 2020. I’ve mentioned in other posts how weird of a year it’s been financially. The unemployment rate is much higher than in 2019, many people have taken pay cuts, and yet others are making exponentially more than they ever have.

Admittedly, I’m not a doctor or teacher or someone who deals with the general public, so my perception is biased. But I see clear connections between the attitudes and beliefs of those who are prospering and those who are struggling. And what I’m seeing is perfectly aligned with the concepts explained in this book.

If you’re looking to start releasing the beliefs that are keeping you stuck financially, consider reading this highly rated and empowering book.

Reading has taken us from just getting by to thriving; physically, spiritually, and financially. There are so many experts who have poured their lives into making this information accessible to help people live better. Now it’s up to us to take it in and apply it. Challenge yourself by picking up one of these empowering books to read in the coming year. Your future self will thank you.

How has reading empowering books changed your life? Share in the comments below or come start a conversation on Facebook.

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How to change black and white thinking & improve your life

By Holly Scherer

Hi, my name is Holly, and I’m recovering from black and white thinking. I’m not exactly sure how, when, and where I learned to think this way. But looking at the divisiveness and anger surrounding the current issues we’re facing, it’s clear I’m not the only one who has fallen into the all or nothing trap. So today I’ll share a bit about how black and white thinking hurts us and what we can do to change it.

WHAT IS BLACK AND WHITE THINKING?

Black and white thinking is also known as all or nothing thinking. It’s the idea that things are either good or bad and leaves no room for the reality of nuance. Examples of all or nothing thinking are prevalent in politics, especially here in the United States, where everything has been divided between right or left. While politics is one of the best examples, you can identify black and white thinking in every aspect of our culture from believing that all carbs are bad to the idea that you need a college degree to be a success.

I’m not an expert on the topic but I was an experienced black and white thinker for much of my life. I imagine that there are a number of reasons I believed everything in life was all or nothing. First off, many of the people around me thought this way and continue to think like this today. Thus, I came to believe that everything was either right or wrong. I either loved things or hated them. And I was quite certain that my way what THE way.

Another thing that likely contributed to my black and white thinking was my desperate desire to feel like I belonged. If you pick a side on something, you’re instantly a part of something bigger. While this quenches our need to feel like we belong, it isn’t always positive. When you hear gang members, white supremacists, or religious extremists speak out, they always mention their innate drive to find belonging.

Bring the two together, needing to belong and being surrounded by others who think similarly, and your black and white beliefs become your reality. Keep in mind that my struggle with black and white thinking was long before the echo chambers of social media and internet search tools. Needless to say, it’s an easy pattern to fall into, now more than ever.

Finally, black and white thinking can be a sort of defense mechanism that shields us from hurt or failure. When I tell myself, I could never do that because I’m a woman, what I’m really saying is that I’m afraid to try.

HOW BLACK AND WHITE THINKING HARMS YOU

The biggest issue with black and white thinking that I see today is the anger and the divisiveness that surrounds us. I’m publishing this post nine months after the coronavirus pandemic first showed up in the U.S and I’m still trying to understand how a global health crisis has become political. The host of my favorite podcast on the topic has shared countless stories about relationships that have ended over friend’s and family’s beliefs about this virus. In a society that already struggles with loneliness and isolation, black and white thinking only divides us further.

Another problem with black and white thinking is that it prevents you from achieving your full potential. I’ve already mentioned the belief that you need a college degree to get ahead. If you’ve read my other work and ALL of the books I’ve referenced, I’m clearly a lover of learning. I also happen to have a college degree. So I am by no means saying that college has no doesn’t have value. What I am saying, though, is that not having a degree doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a life struggle and poverty. We all know people who have worked their way up from the bottom and one of the keys to their success was the ability to shift this very mindset.

As I mentioned in the last section, all of these factors come together to create pain and hardship in our lives. Feeling isolated and like we don’t have what it takes affects our health, happiness, as well as the people we love.

How to Change Black and White Thinking

I first recognized my own tendency toward black and white thinking while listening to a podcast about a decade ago. One of my early virtual mentors talked about finding “and solutions.” For example, we often hear that leaving a “good job” to find work we love will mean taking a pay cut. What if instead, as my mentor suggested, we believed that we could find meaningful work AND make an abundant income.

We often hear that leaving a “good job” to find work we love will mean taking a pay cut. What if instead, as my mentor suggested, we believed that we could find meaningful work AND make an abundant income. Click To Tweet

My thinking began to shift immediately. I loved the idea that I could potentially find an “and solution” for all of the “either-or” beliefs I had. But as they say, old habits die hard. While I lean toward the “both-and” style of thinking, I still need to check myself from time to time.

The solution to changing black and white thinking comes down to paying attention to that dialogue in our head that often runs on auto-pilot. When you recognize words like can’t, never, always, good, bad, love, hate … stop and pay attention. Could what you’re telling yourself actually be more nuanced? Could there be an and solution instead of an either-or? Who cares if the solution seems likely? Is it simply possible a both-and solution exists?

“Mature people are not either-or thinkers, but they bathe in the ocean of both-and.” —Richard Rohr

The next step is to practice. Obviously with yourself, but also with the other people you interact with regularly: your coworkers, friends, and loved ones. Challenge their either-or thinking by asking if there’s a both-and solution. Like anything, it will take some time before it becomes a habit but once it does, it will change your life.

Have you ever struggled with black and white thinking? What helped you learn to think differently? Share in the comments below or come say hello on Facebook.

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This is why you’re already enough

By Holly Scherer

If you’ve ever felt like you’re not enough, my heart goes out to you. I know all too well the pain that comes from striving and achieving and never feeling like it’s good enough. I also know that we’re not alone. Far too many of us learn that the only way to feel love and belonging is better grades, a smaller waist, and a bigger bank account.

The idea that I could inherently be enough, just as I am, in this exact moment is difficult to accept. Not because I don’t want to believe it. Deep down I know that I’ve already gone above and beyond basic enoughness.

I imagine that even the strongest and most confident people occasionally struggle with this. It’s impossible to ignore the familial and societal messages to do more, be more, and have more. On top of that, now we have to deal with constant messages on social media reminding us that we could do better.

While I believe that there’s value in healthy striving, we must recognize that our enoughness has nothing to do with our achievements. Being enough has nothing to do with anything for that matter. We’re simply enough, just as we are, no matter what we do or don’t do.

In this post, I’ll share my journey to feeling like I’m enough. I’ll share resources to help you find your enoughness. And most of all, I hope to convince you that you too are already enough.

Why we struggle to feel enough

I’ve been like this my whole life—not feeling enough. For most of that time, I believed that there was something wrong with me and that I was fundamentally flawed.

It’s easy to see how we absorb these beliefs. Many of us were taught (incorrectly in my opinion) that we’re born with original sin— believing we’re born bad. Then we’re bombarded with messages from the media that we can’t be happy until we have perfect hair, a perfect house, perfectly dressed kids, and wake up at least one Christmas morning to find a Lexus with a big red bow parked in the driveway.

Some of us had parents who expected nothing but perfection—perfection, which of course, could always be better. You probably put a lot of pressure on yourself too. Then we reach the edge of not feeling enough and in an attempt to feel better we pick up our phones and start scrolling through everyone else’s highlight reel on social media.

Unfortunately, we can’t just flip a switch at age 27, 42, or 69 and proclaim that now we’re enough. Well, maybe some people can, but that hasn’t been my experience. I’ve spent four long years focused on this and at best, I can make it four days without second-guessing my enoughness. That’s actually a huge improvement. But the biggest win is that I’ve learned how to pull myself up when I don’t feel enough.

“Nobody holds a good opinion of a man who holds a low opinion of himself.” ― Anthony Trollope Click To Tweet

Just how I am

Over the years, I’ve come to learn that this is just how I am. It’s how I’ve been wired since infancy. That doesn’t mean I get to use that as an excuse to stop doing the work. Actually, it motivates me to keep trying to beat it.

A couple of winters ago I was going through a box of stuff from my childhood. I read through my earliest report cards almost in tears. I saw that I’d been carrying this perfectionism my entire life. It broke my heart to think of what a burden that must be for a young child.

My second grade report card couldn’t be more perfect!

To be honest, though, I’d always worn my perfectionism as a badge of honor. I bragged about pulling all-nighters to perfect a project for work. I truly believed that my ability to neglect everything else in my life and work on something until it was perfect was one of my greatest strengths.

Reading The Gifts of Imperfection on a secret Lake Superior beach. Little did I know how life-changing that beautiful July day would be.

Then at age 40, I read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown and my mind was blown. I remember thinking, you mean, I didn’t have to struggle with this my whole life? I felt crushed and hopeful at the same time.

Later that summer I followed up with Brown’s book, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t). I remember feeling like she had written it just for me. And also that I had a lot of work to do.

As great as these two books were, they were just the beginning. I kept reading and learning. I journaled and meditated. I kept doing the work.

Then last year I chose the word wholehearted as my word of the year. It was basically a yearlong practice of feeling like I was enough. You can read all about it here.

It took about 10 months but for a fleeting moment, I felt it. I felt whole. I felt like I was enough and I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

Help is Here

As I’m learning to settle into my enoughness, I want you to know that you too are already enough. No matter what you believe and what you’ve been told, you are enough just how you are, in this moment. Take a minute and let that settle in. Maybe even repeat to yourself—I am enough.

As I mentioned, this will be a journey. It might be hard at first but once you start feeling your life change, you won’t want to quit. Here are some tips to help you see that you are enough.

How to feel enough

1 – Recognize that the behaviors of others have very little to do with you. How people treat you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Don’t take anything personally.

2 – Throughout the day, pause, breathe deep, and meditate on the mantra—I am enough!

3 – Make it physical with this sweet yoga practice full of hugs and self-love.

5 – Meditate on loving-kindness and self-acceptance. Experiment with one of Tara Brach’s guided meditations, like this one on self-compassion. And everyone can benefit from learning the loving-kindness meditation.

6 – Never stop learning. I already mentioned The Gifts of Imperfection and I Thought it Was Just Me—both excellent books. Here are some other helpful resources to explore. (Click each title to learn more.)

7 – Stay Inspired. I listen to positive and uplifting content daily. In my post on morning routines, I wrote about our negativity bias and how we need a constant stream of positive messages coming in. Start your journey with this podcast episode by Rob Bell.

What I know about you

You’re already enough. Click To Tweet

No matter who you are or where your journey has taken you, you already have everything you need to start taking steps toward creating a life you truly love. You’re smart enough to write that book. You’re talented enough to become a full-time designer. You’re fit enough to sign up for that half marathon. You’re worthy enough to get that promotion. You deserve all of the good things that are headed your way.

I sincerely mean it when I say that you are enough. I know at my very core that every human being is filled with unlimited potential, and that includes you. Just by showing up here and reading this, you prove that you have what it takes to do anything you put your mind to. I believe in you and the world needs you to do the same. When you’re about to start something new and that little voice pops up to tell you that you’re not qualified, respond by repeating, “I’m already enough.”

What are your best tips to pull yourself up when you feel like you’re not enough? Share in the comments below or come tell me all about it on Facebook.

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How to use journaling as a form of self-care

By Holly Scherer

I thought twice about using the word self-care in this update. The concept of self-care has been watered down to be synonymous with bubble baths, white wine, and chocolate cake.

For some, self-care serves as a self-issued permission slip to engage in unhealthy behaviors. With this permission, we can consume as much chocolate and wine as we want, so long as we call it self-care. There’s nothing wrong with chocolate and wine of course. The issue is when we use these substances to numb rather than engage in healthier behaviors that improve our lives long term.

Real self-care isn’t something that will make your problems go away for a few hours. It’s something that will make your life better today AND five years from now. Self-care can look like creating a budget or following up on a job interview. It’s turning off Netflix and getting outside to hike with a friend. Self-care can also look like a daily journaling and meditation practice.

Self-care is the daily habit of building a life you don’t need to escape from. Click To Tweet

Bubble baths are nice and all, but real self-care means getting your life to a point where you don’t have to drown your daily life in bubbles and wine. It’s having energy and peace of mind so that you’re not dependent on coffee to get through the day and bourbon to get through the night. It means being proactive with your finances so you don’t go into debt when your car needs new tires or your AC goes out. Real self-care is learning to say no, setting boundaries, and investing in relationships that lift you up as opposed to tear you down. It means embracing personal development activities that nurture your mind, body, and spirit. Real self-care is the daily habit of building a life you don’t need to escape from.

What is self-care?

There’s no one size fits all formula for self-care. We all have different wiring, perspectives, lifestyles, and priorities. For example, almost all of my hobbies are physical activities: camping, canoeing, kayaking, hiking, biking, snowshoeing, and more. Because of this, I spend more time on physical forms of self-care. I wouldn’t expect most people to invest as much time into their daily fitness routine.

Not to mention that we’re all at different places on our journey in terms of free time and flexibility. I wouldn’t expect a mom of seven to invest the same amount of time into caring for her needs as I do. That’s not to say she shouldn’t carve out some time. She’ll be able to better serve her family when she takes better care of herself. That might simply look like getting up 30 minutes earlier to read and enjoy her coffee.

Before you dive headfirst into a new self-care practice, think about why you’re doing it. What are you looking to gain? What’s the goal?

I’ve experienced first-hand how I can do better when I feel better. I didn’t grow up with the healthiest habits. As I slowly changed my lifestyle, I noticed that I was also becoming a better wife, friend, coach, and consultant.

Additionally, quality of life is important to me. I want to be able to do all the things I enjoy today when I’m 103, That’s why I take living a healthy lifestyle so seriously.

Part of that healthy lifestyle is my emotional health. As I slowly heal my inner world, I’m learning how to love my spouse, myself, and my friends a whole lot better. And I’m starting to see that self-love is a necessary piece to healing this broken world. Journaling has played an important role in this process.

When creating your self-care routine, you’ll also want to consider how you’ll schedule it into your day. Remember, this isn’t the one and done ice cream and wine after a bad day style of self-care. These are consistent daily habits that help keep you grounded today while creating a better future. Consistency and simplicity are key.

I like to bookend my day with self-care. My day starts with a morning routine that you can read about here. When I’m consistent—I’m admittedly weaker at night—I end my day with reading and meditation. I use physical activity to break up the day: to either spend time with my spouse, reset when I feel stuck, or boost my energy when I feel drained.

Before we move on, think about what you want your self-care practice to look like. Why it’s important to you. And how you’ll fit it into your busy life.

Journaling for Self-Care

We’ve all heard the benefits of journaling. But let’s be honest, there are so many things that are supposed to be good for you, and so little time. It’s hard to know which self-care practices are worth making time for.

I started my formal journaling practice on March first, 2018 after returning from a long-awaited Hawaiian adventure. I had a case of the post-vacation blues and couldn’t take one more week of the never-ending winter that crescendoed with a mid-April blizzard. I’d tried to journal in the past but never stuck with it. But I was desperate so I decided to commit to just 30 days.

As I write this, I just started my eleventh journal. Needless to say, it’s been helpful in so many ways. It helps me get the worry, clutter, and negative thoughts out of my mind and on the page so I can go on with the rest of my day. Journaling has encouraged me to tear open and heal wounds that I’ve been shoving down and ignoring for close to 40 years. It’s brought clarity to my life, business, and relationships. It’s been a wonderful way to brainstorm, plan, and make the swirling thoughts in my head make sense.

When I write my thoughts, they often take the shape of a story. There’s an intro, a struggle, the journey, a resolution, and an end. But when I’m ruminating and stuck in my head I usually get caught in the struggle. Journaling helps me inspect my problems from a different perspective. Writing allows me to bring out things that I’m unlikely to share with someone one on one.

If you’re going to start journaling, be sure to approach it the right way. I recently read the book, Insight, by Tasha Eurich and was shocked to discover that much of what we have come to believe about journaling is wrong. For example, when people write extensively about positive life events, they show “less personal growth, self-acceptance, and well-being.”

According to Eurich, we can get more from journaling when we “explore the negative [through expressive writing] and [don’t] overthink the positive.” She goes on to share a study by Psychologist James Pennebaker. “Pennebaker and his colleagues have shown that people who engage in expressive writing have better memories, higher grade point averages, less absenteeism from work, and quicker re-employment after job loss.”

It’s also important to consider writing about both the factual AND emotional aspects of the ideas we’re exploring. Many people tend to use journaling as an emotional dump. According to research, that doesn’t foster growth. We must explore both the details and the feelings behind our situation.

Eurich’s final tip is to journal in moderation. This isn’t easy for me since I usually have something important to write about. But this advice has helped me let go of guilt when I miss a day or two.

Keep in mind that she’s coming at the topic of journaling with the intention to improve self-awareness. So take this advice with a grain of salt and use it to create a journaling practice that works best for you and your goals.

What to Journal About

The answer to the question—what should I journal about?—is another question. What are you trying to accomplish?

The answer to that question has changed many times over my 28 months of journaling. I’ll go through periods where I’m processing things and writing out a story. Other times I’ll work through activities and reflections from a book I’m reading. Sometimes I’m brainstorming and reflecting on a specific question or issue.

Exploring **The Enneagram of Belonging** in a recent journal entry.

During the in-between times, I have an evolving flow that I’ve adapted from The Five Minute Journal, The Holistic Psychologist’s Future Self Journal, and other random books I’ve read. As much as this flow has changed over the years, it has always started by listing everything I’m grateful for and ends with an affirmation or intention.

Again, I can’t emphasize enough that there is no one size fits all approach. So start experimenting with what you think will work best for you. And when you’re no longer feeling it, don’t be afraid to change it.

Not a fan of writing?

First and foremost, be assured that no one needs to read this, not even you. A lot of anxiety about writing is simply worrying about proper spelling and grammar. This doesn’t matter if you’re the only one who sees it. Just do the best you can and write as you talk.

And don’t be afraid to try other technologies. Try a speech to text application. Use a voice recorder or make a video. It’s all about finding what works for you.

Writing your thoughts is a wonderful way to find clarity and declutter your mind. It will help you to decrease stress and increase mental function. And it will be a welcome addition to your self-care practice.

What are your best journaling tips? Share in the comments below or come tell me all about it on Facebook.

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How to improve your life with the happiness diet

By Holly Scherer

There are periods in our lives when it feels like it’s just too much. Logically, we know it won’t last. But it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. During times like these, I turn to what my friends and I call the happiness diet.

The happiness diet isn’t a special combination of foods that relieve stress and anxiety, although these foods do exist and should be explored. The happiness diet is a diet for your mind. It’s taking control of what you let in. You decide what you consume, when, and how much.

If you want a simple way to take control of your physical and mental wellbeing, keep reading.

You are what you consume

Until my mid-thirties, I wasn’t very mindful about the type of media I consumed. I grew up watching Days of our Lives. As an adult, I was keen on anything that would make me forget about my problems and stress in my life. I watched a lot of mind-numbing TV, played games on social media, and listened to whatever was on the radio.

There’s nothing wrong with any of this in moderation of course. But for me, there was no moderation. I was consuming close to 100 percent mindless content. And that left no room for things that could help me grow and feel more positive.

Then in 2009, the amount of time I spent traveling for work quadrupled. I came to a point where I couldn’t listen to one more talk radio show or song from my iPod. I was bored with hotel TV and the free newspapers they offered. I needed more.

I started listening to audiobooks, then podcasts, and more audiobooks. In the evenings I started reading books again. I’d go days, and sometimes weeks without using social media. And guess what? My life was getting better. I was getting better. And this is how I discovered the happiness diet.

“Man's mind may be likened to a garden, which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild.” ― James Allen Click To Tweet

Hit Refresh

I initially published this post in May of 2016. After a year and a half of blogging, it was a post I felt excited to share publicly with all of my friends and family. I even talked close to 100 people into joining me for a 30-day happiness diet.

I’ve been meaning to update this post to share an experience I had a couple of years later. Jer and I were visiting family over the holidays and there was a winter storm making its way across the state. At that point, it had been years since we had a television. I was used to paying attention to the weather. But my information came from an app on my phone or a similar website.

The family members we were visiting enjoy having constant background noise. You can be sure that there is always a TV or radio playing. And unless it’s a sports ball game, it’s probably the news.

I was aware that there was a chance of a winter storm going into the weekend. But the constant news warnings and reports of crashes and cars in the ditch sent me over the edge. I didn’t notice it at the time, but I was more anxious than I’d felt in years. All I could see was my life flashing before my eyes on those icy roads so I insisted that we pack up and head home immediately.

After I was safely home and out of the danger of a winter storm (and the TV news), I realized what had happened. A month later I had coffee with a friend and I was telling him about my experience. They have been TV free for several years as well and he recounted a similar experience while visiting his family. Since then I’ve been hyper-aware of how the news media can trigger fear in me.

2020 Vision

I’ve published hundreds of posts so it takes some time to get back and update them. I’m writing this update in 2020 during what is presumably the beginning stages of a global pandemic. It seemed like a great time to revisit the happiness diet and share some new experiences.

Just as I was about to start writing this, my city and the entire country broke out in protests and riots over a viral video of a Minneapolis police officer murdering an innocent black man. I held off as long as I could on writing this and I still struggle to find the right words.

We’re not even six months through the year and there’s been more overwhelming news than in the last decade. I imagine there’s plenty more to come with the looming presidential election. And I’m not sure, but I think covid-19 is still a thing.

Still, I remain hopeful that this is the veil being lifted for some must needed change.

In this post, I’ll cover how you can use the happiness diet to feel better both physically and emotionally. I’ll share experiences we’ve had over the years, and especially the previous six months. And I’ll highlight great resources to help you get started on your own happiness diet.

What is the happiness diet?

The happiness diet starts by paying attention to the things that make you feel good as well as the things that don’t make you feel good. If you don’t have a clear list in your mind, you might want to start by taking notes over the next week.

Here are some things that make me feel good:

Chilling outside with my husband, Jer, on a warm summer night
Going on long hikes with friends
Spending time in nature
Reading
Journaling
Traveling
Camping
Nourishing alone time

And here are a few things that make me feel bad:

Listening to someone gossip and share secrets about their best friend
Seeing people point fingers and name-call over politics on social media
Hearing people use their words to intentionally hurt other people
Allowing myself to overload on war, greed, and injustice in the news
Feeling like I wasted too much time or energy on something that isn’t improving my life

There are many other things in each category I’m sure. These are the first to pop into my head. What comes up for you?

The next step is to think about whether or not the things that make you feel bad are necessary. If a friend is always sharing her best friend’s deep dark secrets, what do you think she says about you when you’re not around? Have you ever seen anyone change their mind by being shamed about their politics? Is it possible to stay up on the important news that you need to know without binging on TV news and websites each day?

From here you should easily be able to identify things you can cut completely or set a time limit for. For example, I don’t allow myself to use my phone for the first hour of the day. I use Screen Time to limit the amount of time I can spend on social media. And generally speaking, I don’t intentionally seek out the news.

But the real magic comes when you replace those things that were draining you with positive and uplifting content. For example, by not using my phone for the first hour of the day, I’m able to read, journal, and meditate. By not having a TV, I spend more time listening to podcasts, reading books, and watching documentaries. Overall, I’ve come a long way in being intentional about how I spend this one wild and precious life.

Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
Mary Oliver

How does this make you happier?

Just as the foods we eat can give us energy or drain us, the fuel we feed our mind can do the same. I shared a story in the beginning about how the weather report on the TV news turned me into a panic monster. Alternatively, positive content has the same, if not more, power to shape us.

I tend to wake up kind of crabby. I’ve always been this way. It’s not that I don’t like mornings. When I’m alone, camping in the woods, I’ll eagerly get up before the sun. But as an introvert, subjecting myself to immediate stimulation and people asking me questions or making demands can make me fly off the handle. I need time to settle in and let my mind, body, and soul to wake up and find its center.

The first thing I do after brushing my teeth and drinking some water is to spend 15 minutes reading something spiritual-ish. Being reminded that I’m part of something bigger fills me with hope and a greater purpose. After that I journal. The very first thing I write down is everything I’m grateful for. Could you imagine if the entire world did those two things before heading out the door to work each morning? I bet we’d all be a lot calmer and kinder.

This positive media continues throughout my day because we humans have something called the negativity bias. This is our tendency to register negative information more easily. We also tend to continue to dwell on the negative and ruminate.

Let’s say you received feedback on a project at work. 95 percent of the feedback is really positive. Your team highlighted what you did well and offered suggestions to make it even better. Then that one guy, you know the guy who tears everyone down and stomps on their backs to fast track his way up the ladder? Yeah, that guy tells you how horrible your work is and questions how you were able to get your position. You go home and rather than think about all of the amazing compliments on your hard work, you pick apart every word Negative Nestor said.

And it’s not just our human interactions. Happiness expert, Shawn Achor, found that just “three minutes of negative news in the morning increased the likelihood of feeling unhappy six to eight hours later.” Achor believes this negative news could trigger “learned helplessness” which has been connected to a higher likelihood of depression. No doubt, what we feed our minds is powerful.

"Three minutes of negative news in the morning increases the likelihood of feeling unhappy six to eight hours later." – Shawn Achor Click To Tweet

Maybe you’re enlightened enough that you no longer fall into this trap. Personally, I’ve got a long way to go. So to keep myself in check, I keep the healthy messages coming in.

Learn more about Achor’s research on happiness in his hilarious TED Talk.

The five-step happiness diet

1 – Turn off the News

I already shared one story about how the news can instantly take me from calm to chaos. For that reason, I haven’t paid much attention to the news for years. Then in March of 2020, the WHO categorized covid-19 as a pandemic and life as we knew it came to an end.

When big things like this happen, you can’t really avoid them. If it’s important news, you will hear about it. You’ll see it on social media and hear it on your favorite podcasts.

With little information and our nation in panic mode, I too felt uneasy and began turning to the news for answers. It didn’t take long before I was asking, how do I know which of this conflicting information is true and how do I know who to trust?

Having had such a long hiatus from mainstream media, I was taken aback by how many headlines seemed borderline unethical. There was controversy and half-truths presumably used to incite clicks. Eventually, I’d had it and took week-long media fast with a friend.

During my time away, I happened upon a podcast from one of the world’s top experts on infectious disease. Each week he unpacks the latest studies and offers the straight-up truth. Other than periodically checking in on state and local regulations, this is the only way I currently stay informed on the pandemic. And I feel so much better.

Choosing to not stay on top of the 24:7 news cycle doesn’t mean you don’t care. By choosing to put your mental, emotional, and physical health first, you’ll show up stronger when real crises arise.

2 – Limit Social Media

Social media is a powerful connection tool. 20 years ago, I could never have imagined that grandparents living 500 miles away could watch their grandson’s first steps on their phone. And I’ve personally made and nurtured many wonderful connections online.

But with everything good, there’s also some bad. At this point, we’re all aware that social media can have negative effects on our wellbeing. It can also be a real time sink. I know firsthand how easy it is to log in to find something and an hour later I find myself trying to remember why I logged on in the first place. All this scrolling keeps us from the people and activities that bring true meaning to our lives.

You don’t need to cut social media entirely. Instead, be mindful of what you are taking in and the amount of time you engage. I use Screen Time to monitor my usage and stay vigilant about how I’m feeling in response to the medium and other users. You can learn more about breaking your social media addiction in this post.

Then watch this TED Talk to learn more about the dangers of social media and what you can do about it.

3 – Fuel Your Mind with Positive Media

The technology that distracts us from our everyday lives can also be the source of endless uplifting content. You can watch TED Talks at the gym, instead of the news or whatever is playing on the televisions. Instead of listening to the radio on your commute, tune into a podcast that informs, challenges, and inspires you. And rather than turning on the TV when you get home from work, start exploring some interesting new books.

Here are some of my favorite resources to help you feel happier.

Happiness Rx:

4 – Get Outside

There have been countless reports in recent years about the healing power of nature. There’s even an emerging group of people called Forest Therapy Guides. And I know from personal experience that nothing makes me feel better faster than getting outside.

Getting outdoors boosts vitamin D levels, improving protective effects against everything from osteoporosis to depression. Enjoying more exercise will help reduce stress so you can feel happier. Time in the outdoors has even been shown to improve concentration. So the next time you’re feeling down, head outside for a 20-minute walk.

Don’t lose yourself in the chaos. If life starts moving too fast, put up a fight. Fight back with your bare feet on the earth, fight back by looking up at the stars or watching a sunset … fight back by creating space to be still and breathe. — Brooke Hampton

5 – Connect IRL

IRL is an abbreviation for in real life—as opposed to connecting online. While online connections are great and I can’t imagine the covid-19 lockdown without them, there’s nothing that beats face to face connection.

In the book, Thrive – Finding Happiness the Blue Zones Way, social interaction was a core value in all four regions the book highlighted. Whether you find yourself to be more introverted or extraverted, we all need human connection.

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. ― Eleanor Roosevelt

While together, be cognizant of gossip. Talking about other people is usually just talking about our lives. Sometimes we’re sharing a fun memory or story. Other times we’re sharing how we were hurt and seek advice. But there’s also the other extreme in which talking about others can be toxic.

I hate to admit that I’ve done my fair share of this. Not to make excuses, but I heard a lot of gossip growing up in a small town. Unfortunately, that’s part of how I learned to communicate. But as we learn better we can do better. And I try really hard not to gossip today.

Here are some guidelines to create stronger connections from Brené Brown’s book, Dare to Lead.

THE SEVEN ELEMENTS OF TRUST

BOUNDARIES – You respect my boundaries and when you’re not sure what’s okay, you ask.

RELIABILITY – You do what you say you’ll do.

ACCOUNTABILITY – You own your mistakes and apologize.

VAULT – You never share experiences that aren’t yours to share.

INTEGRITY – You practice your values rather than simply professing them.

NONJUDGEMENT – We can ask for what we need and talk about how we feel without judgment.

GENEROSITY – Extend generous interpretations to the words and actions of others.

And when in doubt, think before you speak.

How to make it Work

All of these things take practice. If you’ve been obsessively looking at the news during every break for the last 20 years, it’ll take time to break the habit. Start by going news free for the first hour of your day and then add to it once it becomes a habit.

I’ve also found it helpful to group positive behaviors together. For example, reading an uplifting book is part of my morning routine. I often listen to podcasts while exercising in nature or working in the garden. Find ways to make your positive experiences more enriching.

The important thing is to start small. Pick one tiny thing and start today and once that becomes a habit, add more.

“You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” – Marcus Aurelius Click To Tweet

How does the media you consume affect your daily life? Share in the comments below or come tell me about it on Facebook.

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Feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed? Learn what you can cut to feel better fast. It works so well my friends call it the happiness diet.

The secret to thriving on one income—especially when you have two

By Holly Scherer

Until fairly recently, most American households survived solely on one income. I wasn’t alive then but I’ve heard stories about how things were simpler. Families shared one car, lived in smaller homes, and eating out was only for special occasions. Most meals were cooked at home with ingredients fresh from the garden. In their free time, the children helped out around the house, on the farm, or in the family business. Some kids played baseball while others worked at the local drug store. I imagine those families had their challenges, just as we do today. But life was no doubt simpler back then.

It seems like it happened overnight, but like most societal shifts, the two-income family was a culmination of many little things over time. For many families here and around the world, two or more incomes are necessary for survival. But for many families with two incomes, ultra-comfortable lifestyles became the expectation.

Many families today own a car for every family member with a driver’s license. We’ve migrated to larger homes in the suburbs and due to longer commutes, we consume more delivery and take out than home-cooked meals. We hire companies to clean our homes and take care of the lawn. Between work and running the kids to all of their extracurricular activities, there’s simply not enough time for cooking and cleaning. This go, go, go lifestyle can feel exhausting. So once or twice a year, families pack up for a vacation where they can lie on the beach, sip margaritas, and not have to think about the stresses of their daily life back home.

Most of us believe that we need multiple incomes to get by. Yet each year I see more people learning to thrive on one income. Here’s how they enjoy more family time and better work-life balance on half the income. — “Instead of wondering when your next vacation is, maybe you should set up a life you don’t need to escape from.” ― Seth Godin

I’m not here to tell you that one way of life is wrong, and the other is right. Instead, I’m here to ask you, is the life you’re living the life you truly desire?

Growing up, I believed that there was a specific formula for a life well-lived. If you followed these steps, then you could be happy. So I stuck to the program exactly as I understood it. I went to college, got a “good” corporate job, took out a car loan, got an expensive place in the suburbs, spent way too much money at Banana Republic, bought a “starter house,” got married, moved up the (wrong) ladder, took lots of fancy vacations, and I still wasn’t happy. That left me wondering what was wrong with me. What had I done wrong?

As my husband, Jer, and I grew together in our marriage, we found mentors who challenged everything we were ever told. We learned that you didn’t need debt and a big house in the suburbs to live a rich life. We discovered that you don’t need expensive degrees or to work 80 hours a week at a job you hate to be a success. And most importantly, we learned that there’s not one specific formula for a life well-lived. So we gave ourselves permission to start creating a life that was meaningful to us and aligned with our values.

This message is brought to you by the worldwide lockdown during the covid-19 pandemic. Schools, economies, and life as we know it have been temporarily shut down. Even if we go back to “normal” sooner rather than later, I don’t think this disruption will quickly be forgotten. For many of us, there will be a brand new “normal.”

At this point, it’s hard to assess our losses. As the pandemic expert, Dr. Michael Osterholm, said in a recent podcast, we’re only in the second inning.

My heart breaks for the people who have lost loved ones and were unable to say goodbye. I can’t imagine how many others are struggling with their mental health. And the financial pressures and changes in daily routine have likely put most marriages to the test.

We can’t ignore the financial toll this has taken on our economy and the federal and state budgets. I can’t think of a single person who hasn’t been impacted financially. Day after day, more and more businesses announce that they will not be around to reopen.

And some people are left asking, “How can we be worried about economic matters while people are dying?” So before we move on I want to share an important perspective with you.

For the first 30-some years of my life, I did a good job keeping each aspect of life in its own neat little compartment. I never considered that finances, health, and relationships were all interconnected. But in fact, our financial matters affect where we live, what we eat, our access to physical activity, stress levels, and much more. So yes, as it pertains to health, I do believe that financial matters are important.

There’s Hope

Now that I’ve laid all the doom and gloom on the table, let’s take a look at what’s possible. Disruptions such as these bring to light a lot of inefficiencies and unmet needs. I’m already seeing new businesses pop up in response to new opportunities. This also opens the door to completely new ways of doing business.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that the same is true for your household and family. Whether we start moving toward the new “normal” next week, a month from now, or longer; know that you don’t have to go back to the way things were.

If you were laid off, you don’t have to go back to the industry you loathe. If you’re financially maxed out, you don’t need to keep that huge mortgage and multiple car loans. If you feel better eating at home, you don’t have to go back to your old ways of going out for lunch and grabbing takeout for dinner. If you’re loving this slower pace, you don’t have to go back to your overly busy lifestyle.

Ask yourself, are you living the life you truly desire? If you could change anything and be certain it would all work out, what would you change?

Your Dream Life

If you had all the money you’d ever need, but still had to be productive in some way, what would that life look like to you? Where would you live? What would your home be like? How would you spend your days? Who would you choose to spend time with? Take a moment and picture that life. Maybe even pull out your journal and write about it. You can find a list of questions to explore here.

I picture a smallish cabin on a lake tucked away in the woods. (Or on the north shore of Hawaii – maybe both.) Each morning I would go for a sunrise paddle on the lake. In the evening I’d take a sunset stroll in the woods. I would spend my days reading and writing and creating things that help people live better lives. I’d enjoy fresh healthy meals made at home and a weekly date night out on the town. Jer could have his own space to work on his many creative interests. And of course, we’d spend plenty of time together, at home and away on epic adventures. Our lives would be simple yet rich and rewarding.

How about you? What would that life look like to you? And what’s stopping you from creating that life?

One Income to the Rescue

Whatever your dream life looks like, living on one income can help you get there.

For most of us, we become a one-income household unexpectedly. Illness, job loss, or a global pandemic knock us on our financial behinds. We then become painfully aware that we have too much debt and too little savings.

But what if you chose to live this way instead? As we work our way out of this crazy time in history and unemployment rates start to decline, what if you chose to live on one income? That doesn’t mean that you only earn one income. This means that you LIVE on one salary.

**The Why behind One Income**

Why on earth would someone want to do this? For most of us, that would mean cutting our spending in half. A normal response would be—No Thank You! So here are some wonderful reasons to consider a one-income lifestyle.

1 – More Margin—Less Stress

Do you remember the uncertainty that came sweeping through the country as America started to lock down with the Covid-19 pandemic? I don’t know that I’ll ever forget it. Jer and I were lucky to be on the more stable side of things. But there was still an elevated level of anxiety around here for several weeks.

Take a moment to try and recall all of the worries that ran through your head during that time. Now think about how it would have been different if you had three, six, or even 12 months of expenses on hand?

Choosing to live on one income will create margin in your budget so you can save for a rainy day. Then the next time disaster strikes, you can step forward with more courage and confidence. You’ll be able to make better decisions and stress less because you’ll know that your basic needs are covered. Just imagine how different that would feel.

2 – Better Work-Life Balance

As I’ve talked to people as this pandemic unfolded, I’ve heard time and again how people are appreciating more family time and a better work-life balance. Yes, there are things we all miss. But universally, we’re appreciating our increased time together and the simpler way of life.

When you are able to survive on one income, you’ll have the freedom and flexibility to make better decisions for your family. That might mean changing careers, working part-time, contract work, or the myriad of other income opportunities in our modern world. It could mean using t part of the “extra” income to hire help with cleaning and yard work so you can make the most of your downtime. Or maybe you’ll finally find the courage to ask for that promotion or get a new job where you make more and work less.

Whatever better work-life balance looks like to you, the security that comes from being able to live on one income will help you get there.

3 – Improve Your Financial Habits

Going from two incomes to one is a transition. In the process, you’re sure to improve your financial choices. Once these new ways of life become habits, you’ll learn to love many of them. More importantly, you’ll prepare your children to have great financial habits once they head out of their own.

4 – A Bright Future on One Income

Beyond having savings in an emergency fund, there are other places to save that are game-changers. Boosting your 401k contributions and opening a Roth IRA will ensure your needs are taken care of when you’re no longer able to work. Funding an HSA ensures you’ll be able to cover unforeseen medical emergencies without compounding debt. And participating in a college savings plan will help your kids get the education they desire without taking on hundreds of thousands of dollars of student loan debt.

Of course, there are other vehicles for saving and investing. But everything I listed here has tax incentives to boot. You can learn more about them and start building a brighter future with this post.

5 – Do More of What You Love Today

Stop waiting for retirement to take that vacation, plant a garden, or try a new hobby.

When people get to the end of their lives, they rarely talk about that huge raise or their series of promotions. That’s not to say that making enough money to live comfortably and enjoy life isn’t important. It’s when you have enough that you have the space to breathe; you’re in a better position to build confidence, find yourself, and create your best life. As much as a comfortable salary, doing meaningful work that makes a difference also contributes to our life satisfaction.

We mustn’t forget the why behind these things though. All of the money in the world means nothing if you’re lonely because you never took time away from work to nurture your relationships. A ten million dollar retirement account has little value if you’re not willing to spend it traveling and exploring the interests you love. A million-dollar bonus is worthless if you don’t have the health to spend it doing activities you enjoy.

When you choose to live on one income, you’ll get to a place where you have the time and money to do more of what you love. When you begin your journey, you’ll likely be building up your savings, and your discretionary budget will be smaller. But that won’t bother you because you know that there’s a much better future ahead. Not to mention, you’re excited to explore all of the wonderful, inexpensive hobbies that won’t break the bank.

Who else is ready to stop waiting for retirement to start doing more of what you love?

Our Journey to One Income

As I was preparing to write this, I thought about when it was that we truly started living on one income. I’ve always been a saver, but it wasn’t until we were married for several years that we really focused on spending less than half of our income.

I think the turning point was in 2011 when I started tracking our spending and budgeting. Being able to see how much we were actually spending in each category was eye-opening. Groceries, cigarettes, eating out, and travel were large expenditures for us back then. After a few months of tracking, I could see that how simply cutting back to the bare necessities could offer financial freedom in just a few short years.

This realization pushed us to get ultra-serious about saving and paying down debt. In just over two and a half years, we were completely debt-free. To celebrate that, along with our tenth wedding anniversary, we planned an epic three week trip to Hawaii, later that year.

Remember in that last section how I was saying that it doesn’t matter if you make tons of money if you’re essentially unhappy? Well that my friends comes from first-hand experience. When the time came to enjoy what should have been a trip of a lifetime, it took the first five days for me to calm down enough to actually enjoy it. And then three days before we were set to fly back, I started having terrible nightmares about returning to work.

This prompted some serious discussions between Jer and I. Over the previous two years, he had prodded me, here and there, to leave my job. But we were so close to achieving a big financial goal that I decided to tough it out. Maybe that was a mistake. But it brings us here today with this story that could potentially change someone else’s life.

Immediately after that trip, we began making plans for me to leave that job. On paper, the numbers worked, but the thought of going down to one income was terrifying. In my mind, there was no going back once the final decision was made. Looking back, I see how this way of thinking was flawed. I now know that there is always something better ahead.

After making our decision, I decided to work six more months, while living on one salary. This would allow us to see if it was truly possible. And in the process, we could save up to have an extra beefy one income emergency fund.

As it goes when you set an intention and start taking action, things began to take shape more quickly. My six-month plan became a three-month plan. We’ve been living on one income ever since and I don’t plan to go back, no matter how many incomes we bring in.

At first, it was a strange adjustment. In a post about job loss, I wrote reg how work is so much more than an income. It’s our social outlet, where we make friends, serve a purpose, and so much more. I knew this and had built habits and structure into my day. I also had hobbies, volunteer work, and ideas on new ways to contribute value to this world. But it was still weird and I imagine that those of you whose workplaces closed during the covid-19 pandemic experienced something similar.

I adjusted though. And began a very healing journey.

On the money front, I became more frugal than ever. I had more freedom in my schedule but was careful not to spend money considering that we only had one income for real. As time went on our income slowly increased and we became more comfortable spending again.

What we didn’t expect from all of this were the other benefits that came with this new lifestyle. We’re doing better than ever financially. We’re in great health because I have the time to shop for and prepare healthy meals daily. With me managing the household, we both have time to exercise, meditate, and get more than enough sleep each day. By getting out of a toxic environment, my mental health has improved, which has had a ripple effect within our household and community. We have both become more courageous and confident. Our marriage, although there are peaks and valleys just like everyone else, is the best it’s ever been. We have new connections and friendships and a widening circle of healthy relationships.

Our lives are remarkably better. But let’s not forget that it’s been a long journey. It was totally worth it and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. But I want to be transparent about what you may be getting yourself into.

Don’t Take my Word for It

Don’t just take my word for it. Several years later, I heard from a friend that his wife was going to lose her job. Instead of the panic and despair that comes with this type of news, he sounded happy and truly excited. After the dust had settled, I asked him to share his story. He generously agreed and you can read it here. You’ll see many similarities between our two stories. I hope it’s inspiring to you.

How to Live on One Income

More often than not, people end up living on one income via circumstance rather than choice. I can’t imagine how scary and terrifying these situations must be. In this case, by all means, do what you need to do to make ends meet. That will likely mean getting back to work or finding a way to replace your income as quickly as possible. Once you are no longer living in fight or flight, you’ll be better able to work through the following steps.

1 – Stronger Together

If you’re reading an article about living on one income, I’m going to assume you’re doing life with someone else who contributes financially. Whatever that looks like in your situation, it’s important that you work through this together. That’s not to say that you’ll agree on everything. And believe it or not, that’s a good thing.

As I’ve shared in other posts, Jer and I are wired very differently. These natural tendencies spill over into everything, especially our financial habits. I’m a saver and always have been. As a child, I knew exactly how many pieces of candy I could have each week to get me through until the next holiday candy replenishment. Jer, on the other hand, sees no point in “hoarding” that candy and eats it as quickly as he can. As it pertains to our finances, I’m well aware that if left to my own devices, I would “hoard” so much more money, and enjoy fewer meaningful experiences.

Before you dive into creating shared goals, take some time to acknowledge what the other person brings to the table. This way you’ll be prepared to resolve conflict quickly so you can keep working toward the greater good.

2 – Define Your Why

Now that you’re working as a team, come together to define the specific reasons you want to do this. Perhaps you want to enjoy more quality time as a family. Maybe you want to set a better example for the next generation. You might simply be inspired to have the means to give generously. Whatever it is, decide as a team on the why that will drive this journey forward.

3 – Slow and Steady Wins the Race

As I mentioned earlier, it took us about four years to get from tracking our spending to one income living. Depending on where you are right now, it could take more or less time. While there’s a lot you can do to accelerate the process, committing to slow and steady from the start will help ensure you make it to the finish line.

4 – You Need a Budget

You don’t need a detailed excel workbook that tracks every aspect of your finances over the last decade and counting. (You totally know I do that, right?) But you do need to know exactly how much you have coming in and going out. You can learn more about creating budgets here. And while you’re at it, don’t forget rule number one and make sure you work together to create something that energizes both of you.

5 – Increase that Income

The more you earn, the quicker you can meet your financial goals, plain and simple. But when it comes to this part of our finances, most of us are plagued with some sort of limiting belief. Pick your poison: I don’t have a college degree, real artists don’t sell out for money, I don’t have experience in that area, and the list goes on. So first things first. Try to identify the lies you’ve been telling yourself that have prevented you from earning the income you deserve.

When you’ve figured out what’s been holding you back, check out these ideas to help you get that income growing.

6 – Slash Your Expenses

Wherever you are financially, it’s always a good idea to review your expenses and trim the fat. Be honest, if you went through your budget right now, how many things would you find that you pay for and don’t really use? That piece of software you pay for monthly, your gym membership, roadside assistance that’s already included with your auto insurance, or maybe you still haven’t cut the cord on your home phone—it’s all fair game.

Make it a habit to go through your budget at the end of each year, as a team, and find anything you can slash. Here’s a list of 103 things to help you get started.

7 – Eliminate Debt

Have you ever lost a job or experienced a pay cut? If you can, remember how you felt during that time. Now imagine that you didn’t have any debt—no mortgage, car payments, or student loans. How different would that experience have been for you?

Becoming debt-free from wherever you stand today will be a journey. But it will bless your life in more ways than you could imagine. Check out this post to learn more about how becoming debt-free changed our lives. Then bookmark this page for the day you’re ready to start kicking your own debt to the curb.

8 – Cash is King

My Grandfather was a quiet man. So when he spoke, people listened. One of the things I remember him saying is that “if you can’t pay cash for it, you can’t afford it.” I don’t recall the specific context or if it was even about me. But I do know that one sentence played a huge role in preventing me from getting myself into financial trouble.

I’ve mentioned this several times throughout this post, as well as in my last blog post. The people and businesses with cash on hand during the covid-19 pandemic and ensuing financial crisis had a very different experience.

The title of this section came from a friend I checked in on while in lockdown. Even though business had tanked and they suffered a pay cut, they were feeling optimistic. They had recently downsized their life to be able to live debt-free. Part of their reply read, “Debt is dumb, cash is king, no worries in that department.” Don’t you wish we’d all be able to say that during the next crisis?

9 – Only Spend on Things that Bring Joy

Studies have proven what most of us instinctively know. More stuff does not mean more happiness. So whether you make $50,000 or $500,000 per year, your life will be richer when you only spend money on things that bring you joy.

10 – Build a One Income Support Network

I’ve used this quote countless times so it might start feeling cliché. But it’s one of the truest lessons I’ve learned. And personally, I learned it way too late in life. So as a public service, I will continue to shout it from the rooftop.

The hard truth is that if all of your friends spend more than they make, you’re more likely to follow suit. If everyone you know spends thousands of dollars each month at bars, restaurants, and concerts; you might feel like you need to join the crowd or be lonely forever.

When we got serious about paying down our debt, we didn’t have a lot of friends who were good with money. But we had each other and that was enough to keep us going. The cool thing that happened was that other people began to follow suit. And over the years our support network has grown.

If you have a friend who is good with money, reach out and have a chat. If no one comes to mind, seek out an online group. There are so many ways to find support these days. There’s no reason to keep going it alone.

When You’re Forced to Live on One Income

Some people choose to live on one salary, no matter how many they have. Others are forced to temporarily live on one income when they lose a job or experience a temporary life disruption. But there are times in our life when we need to survive on one income indefinitely. These situations include things like: the cost of childcare being so high that it no longer makes sense to work, a serious illness that requires you to leave your job, or a family member that needs 24-hour care.

These situations can be much more difficult to navigate than temporary things like a layoff. But if you follow the steps above, I know you’ll be able to figure it out. The fact that you’re here tells me you’re already well on your way.

Here are a few more tips to keep in mind if one income living looks like it will be a semi-permanent endeavor.

1 – Eliminate Black and White Thinking

It’s a common belief that if we pursue work we love, we’ll make less money. Or that if we change industries, we’ll have to start from the bottom. But I’ve seen time and again that these beliefs are just that. They’re beliefs, not facts.

Instead, start using the word AND. I can do work I love AND make a lot of money. I can move into an industry I care about AND get a raise. We can go down to one income AND enjoy a better lifestyle.

2 – Build a Bigger Emergency Fund

In a post about emergency funds, I listed different scenarios when you’d want more emergency savings. And living on one income is one of those scenarios. At a minimum, I think every business and household should strive to have at least three months of expenses on hand.

For a single income family, I’d be more comfortable with six months of expenses in cash. When stressful things happen, you can sleep better and make wiser decisions when you’re not worried about how you’ll put food on the table.

I realize that saving six months of expenses takes time. It took us a while to build up our reserves as well. So always be sure to continue saving by making it a priority in your budget. Then one day you’ll wake up and you will have achieved the impossible.

3 – Decide What You Value and Prioritize

What does your family most value? What do you love doing that brings joy to the whole crew? You probably know the answer, but have you discussed it as a family?

Living on one income means you’ll have to make sacrifices. These decisions will be easier to make if you decide what’s important ahead of time.

4 – Run the Numbers and Do a One Income Trial Run

If you have a budget, you should easily be able to figure out what you’ll need to do to make it work. Do you need to cut spending, start a side hustle, all of the above?

If you can, get on this new plan and do a trial run before you say adios to that second income. It will be less stressful to make mistakes and figure things out while that second income is still coming in.

5 – Replace What You’ll Miss at Work

This may be the most important point of all. If you are leaving work, find ways to replace everything you’ll lose. In the aforementioned post on job loss, I covered all the things we lose when we lose our jobs. We lose our friends, a built-in social life, as well as purpose and meaning.

Think about what you will miss and create a plan for how you’ll meet those needs on one income.

Where to Begin

I realize this is a lot of information to take in. My goal is to make comprehensive guides to meet most people wherever they’re at. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath, and let’s talk about where to begin.

The internet, mainstream media, and bookstores are filled with the definitive guide to just about everything. But the truth is that we’re all uniquely and wonderfully made. We’re all motivated by different forces and have distinctive strengths and weaknesses. So the best course of action is going to look slightly different for each of us.

Begin by asking yourself what your goal is. Do you want to stay home with your kids while they’re still young, build an emergency fund, or create margin to live a healthier lifestyle? If you’re like me, you’ll want to do it all at the same time. But I promise you’ll enjoy more success if you just pick one thing.

Now ask yourself, what’s the first step you need to take to get there? Do you need to track your spending, create a budget, or send your credit cards through the shredder?

Pick one thing and do it. I know it can be scary but I’m sure your credit card company would be happy to send you a replacement card if you change your mind.

Next, you’ll pick another small step, take action, and then start the process over again. Once you start gaining some traction, feel free to create a more concrete plan with specific goals and timelines. You can learn more about my planning process here.

No matter why you’re doing it, living well on one income is doable. It can even be an enriching experience if you follow these tips. Life is so much more than fat bank accounts and fancy job titles. The things we remember at the end of our lives are our relationships and experiences. Perhaps choosing to live on one income could give you more of both.

What did I miss? This is a big topic and I regularly update content as new information becomes available. Drop your questions in the comments below or come say “hi” on Facebook.

Transformation

8 – The Enneagram and The Enneagram of Belonging

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WHAT IS BLACK AND WHITE THINKING?

HOW BLACK AND WHITE THINKING HARMS YOU

How to Change Black and White Thinking

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Why we struggle to feel enough

Just how I am

Help is Here

How to feel enough

What I know about you

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What is self-care?

Journaling for Self-Care

What to Journal About

Not a fan of writing?

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You are what you consume

Hit Refresh

2020 Vision

What is the happiness diet?

How does this make you happier?

The five-step happiness diet

1 – Turn off the News

2 – Limit Social Media

3 – Fuel Your Mind with Positive Media

Here are some of my favorite resources to help you feel happier.

Video:

Podcasts:

Books and Audiobooks:

4 – Get Outside

5 – Connect IRL

THE SEVEN ELEMENTS OF TRUST

How to make it Work

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There’s Hope

Your Dream Life

One Income to the Rescue

The Why behind One Income

1 – More Margin—Less Stress

2 – Better Work-Life Balance

3 – Improve Your Financial Habits

4 – A Bright Future on One Income

5 – Do More of What You Love Today

Our Journey to One Income

Don’t Take my Word for It

How to Live on One Income

1 – Stronger Together

2 – Define Your Why

3 – Slow and Steady Wins the Race

4 – You Need a Budget

5 – Increase that Income

6 – Slash Your Expenses

7 – Eliminate Debt

8 – Cash is King

9 – Only Spend on Things that Bring Joy

10 – Build a One Income Support Network

When You’re Forced to Live on One Income

1 – Eliminate Black and White Thinking

2 – Build a Bigger Emergency Fund

3 – Decide What You Value and Prioritize

4 – Run the Numbers and Do a One Income Trial Run

5 – Replace What You’ll Miss at Work

Where to Begin

Hey There! I’m Holly.

**The Why behind One Income**