Holly Scherer

Find Yourself Outside

Relationship and Family

How to Show Empathy – When You Don’t Know What to Say

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Have you ever worried that you didn’t do a great job showing empathy? Have you been in a situation where someone shared something troubling and you didn’t know what to say? I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all been in a situation where we didn’t know how to respond or relate. That’s why I’m sharing this simple tip you can use to be more empathetic starting today.

I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all been in a situation where we didn’t know how to respond or relate. That’s why I’m sharing this simple formula you can use to be more empathetic starting today.

What is empathy?

Psychology Today defines empathy as “the experience of understanding another person’s thoughts, feelings, and condition from their point of view, rather than from your own.” Brené Brown has a better definition. She says that empathy is “feeling with people.”

Trying to truly understand what someone is experiencing can be hard. We all have a unique lens which we view the world through. We’re distinctively wired and have had a lifetime of incomparable experiences.

In an effort to try to make people feel better, we sometimes relate our own experiences to what they’re going through. For example, when someone loses a family member, it’s not uncommon to hear people say, “when I lost my mother (sister, dog, brother) …” While sharing our experiences can be comforting and healing, this isn’t always the best way to show empathy. We are all dying to be heard, so I think that empathy simply means listening, be present and relating.

That Time I Failed at Empathy

Last summer I realized that a few of us were doing a pretty poor job of showing empathy to a friend. He grew up in a very different environment than the rest of us. He’s an only child from a wealthy family. He grew up in a huge house with a pool and spent summers at the lake. When he visits his family as an adult, he heads to the lake during the summer and Florida during the winter. The gifts he receives are often big-ticket items the rest of us wouldn’t purchase for ourselves. To the rest of our crew, it seems he’s lived a life of ease.

As a result, his concerns about family and life were often brushed off as though they’re not a big deal. The rest of us had real family problems. During one of those conversations, I remembered something I read in Brené Brown’s book, Rising Strong, about comparative suffering. She wrote:

Comparative suffering is a function of fear and scarcity. Falling down, screwing up, and facing hurt often lead to bouts of second-guessing our judgment, our self-trust, and even our worthiness. I am enough can slowly turn into Am I really enough? If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past decade, it’s that fear and scarcity immediately trigger comparison, and even pain and hurt are not immune to being assessed and ranked.

My husband died and that grief is worse than your grief over an empty nest. I’m not allowed to feel disappointed about being passed over for a promotion when my friend just found out that his wife has cancer. You’re feeling shame for forgetting your son’s school play? Please—that’s a first-world problem; there are people dying of starvation every minute.

The opposite of scarcity is not abundance; the opposite of scarcity is simply enough. Empathy is not finite, and compassion is not a pizza with eight slices. When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around. There’s more. Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world. The refugee in Syria doesn’t benefit more if you conserve your kindness only for her and withhold it from your neighbor who’s going through a divorce. Yes, perspective is critical. But I’m a firm believer that complaining is okay as long as we piss and moan with a little perspective. Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us.”

Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us. @BreneBrown Click To Tweet

I realized I was doing the same thing to my friend that when done to me, drove me crazy. I can’t stand it when people make assumptions about me and treat me differently because of what I am or am not. Yet we were doing the same thing to our friend because he was raised in an environment that was different from what the rest of us understood.

Earlier this year we all got together and this friend told us about a recent experience that frustrated him. Another friend responded and implied that his frustrations were trivial. I responded, “But none of us really know what that’s like.” My friend jumped up from his seat and shouted, “Thank you! That’s the first time anyone has ever understood. Everyone tries to compare my experience with theirs, but they don’t know what it’s like …”

That got me thinking, maybe the most empathetic thing we can say is that we don’t know what it’s like. This simple statement opens up the conversation for others to share their experience. Then rather than comparing it to our perspective, we can feel with them and experience true empathy.

Sometimes the most empathetic thing you can say is, “I can’t imagine what that must be like.” Click To Tweet

Months later I found myself in a similar situation. I had to send an email backing out of a commitment due to circumstances that were out of our control. The first response said, “I can’t imagine what you all are experiencing right now.” I thought to myself, you really can’t. I was reminded again that simply stating the truth is one of the most empathetic things we can do. Saying that you don’t know what to say, or that you can’t imagine what that must be like, shows that you’re listening and that you care.

Tell me about a time you had a great experience with empathy.
Share in the comments below or come say “hi” on Facebook.

Love Yourself More by Practicing the Reverse Golden Rule

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Do unto yourself as you would do unto others. And love yourself as your neighbor.

No, I assure you that’s not a typo.

In working with high achievers, I get to meet amazing people. These are people I admire and look up to. So I’m always surprised to see how hard they can be on themselves.

Like most of the things I write about, this is my story too. My inner critic can get overbearing at times. So one of the things I’ve been working on is to love myself as I love others.

For example, when my husband makes a mistake I forgive him and move on quickly. But when I screw up, it can take days to move on. Recognizing this pattern inspired me to practice the reverse golden rule. It’s been helpful to me so it’s time to share it with you.

When my husband makes a mistake I forgive him and move on quickly. But when I screw up, it can take days to move on. This pattern inspired me to practice the reverse golden rule. I hope that it’s helpful to you.

The other week I was talking to a friend about relationships. I said, “I don’t think we can be happy in our relationships until we’re happy with ourselves.”

External validation can make us feel secure at the moment, but it doesn’t lead to long-term contentment. Truly feeling good about ourselves and our relationships comes from within.

I continued to think about that conversation for the next few days. While I believe what I said without a doubt, I realized that I wasn’t comfortable with myself until I had been married for close to a decade.

Part of that was age, wisdom, and maturity. But I feel like a big part of my self-acceptance was being loved unconditionally by my husband. Having a safe place where I knew that someone would be there no matter how bad I screwed up, nurtured a sense of belonging. My marriage became a place where I could open up, trust someone, and be myself without the fear of being punished or shamed.

I fully believe that we must love ourselves before we can best love others. But at the same time, we need to be open to letting others love us well. As Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen said, “One moment of unconditional love may call into question a lifetime of feeling unworthy and invalidate it.” We all need to give and get unconditional love.

One moment of unconditional love may call into question a lifetime of feeling unworthy and invalidate it. Click To Tweet

 

After reflecting on my (continuing) journey to self-acceptance, I began to ponder when my inner critic first moved in. Sadly, she’s been there as far back as I can remember.

There are a lot of wonderful things about how I’m naturally wired. There are also some not so wonderful things. For example, I’m naturally a very organized and detailed person. The dark side of those traits is that I’ve always struggled with perfectionism. As a result, I spent most of my life feeling that I was never quite good enough.

Then I became an adolescent and a teenager. Everyone I’ve talked to about these years has shared how awkward they were for them.

So many of us were insecure and projected that onto others through teasing. Most of us were teased ourselves. All of this compounded to make our feelings of not-enough even worse.

Real Girls, Real Pressure: A National Report on the State of Self-Esteem reported that seven in ten girls believed they were not good enough or did not measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school, and relationships with friends and family members.

This isn’t exclusive to girls. According to a study published in APA’s Journal of Personality and Social Psychology®,  self-esteem increases during adolescence, then slows in young adulthood, but contrary to popular belief, there is no significant difference between men’s and women’s self-esteem during either of these life phases.

Growing up was hard for all of us. Most of us didn’t have the maturity or tools to deal with these challenges. But as adults, we have so many resources available to us.

So where do we begin?

 

The Importance of Self-Care

Over the past seven years, as I learned to take care of myself, I learned an important lesson. We can only care for others as much as we care for ourselves. If I’m feeling crappy about myself, I’m much more likely to snap at my husband. If I’m feeling fulfilled and accomplished, I’m much more supportive and encouraging to the people I love.

Caring for ourselves means intentionally setting aside time to nurture our minds, bodies, and souls. That means eating well, moving our bodies, hydrating, and getting enough rest. It also means making space for reading, prayer, meditation, journaling, and connecting with others.

Self-care is the first step to loving yourself well.

Self-care is the first step to loving yourself well. Click To Tweet

 

Self-Talk and the Reverse Golden Rule

Another thing I realized on my journey is that I would never say some of the things I say to myself to others. Not even to someone I don’t particularly care for. This is where you can use the reverse golden rule.

If you wouldn't say those things to someone you love, why would you say them to yourself? Click To Tweet

 

The first step is to learn to recognize negative self-talk. Then ask yourself if you would say those things to someone else. If the answer is no, do unto yourself as you do unto others. Apologize, give yourself a compliment, and move on.

“Friendship with oneself is all important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.” – Eleanor Roosevelt Click To Tweet

 

Dating Yourself

How comfortable do you feel when you’re alone?

When I look back, I don’t know that I was ever truly alone growing up. I may have felt lonely, but there was always something to fill the quiet voids. Those of us who grew up in the western world had plenty of vices to dull the uneasiness of being alone.

This is especially true today with our technology and smartphones. With the swipe of a finger, we can feel like we’re connected to the entire outside world. This isn’t always a good thing. But it’s a great example of how we avoid feeling alone.

One of the things I sometimes miss about having a real job is traveling and having someone else pay for me to date myself. I miss the sound of complete silence when walking into a hotel room I have all to myself. I miss taking myself out to dinner and enjoying a couple of glasses of wine and a good book.

I’ve been able to replicate those times when my husband’s away on business. I often make myself a nice dinner, enjoy a glass of wine and a good book. Last summer I took it a step further and began a solo quest to visit every state park in Minnesota. That’s when I learned what it really means to be alone.

“People are hard to hate close-up. Move in.” – Brene Brown Click To Tweet

 

You know how when you meet someone new and your feelings for them expand as you spend more time getting to know them? The same is true for yourself. The more time you spend alone, the better you’ll get to know yourself, and the more you’ll like that person you’re with.

The more time you spend alone, the better you’ll get to know yourself, and the more you’ll like that person you’re with. Click To Tweet

 

Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, I think you’ll benefit from spending time alone. Taking time to withdraw and reflect is vital to our physical, emotional, and spiritual health. This podcast from Rob Bell does an excellent job showing the importance of alone time and self-care.

If you’re not used to being alone, it might feel uncomfortable at first. I remember when I started traveling for work. It felt weird walking into a restaurant and asking for a table for one. Today, I don’t think twice about it. I’ve learned to enjoy this special time.

Set the intention to head out and enjoy some quality alone time each month. Grab dinner and a movie, or go for a hike. Do something you enjoy alone and eventually, it will be something you look forward to.

Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates. You will figure out what inspires you, curate your dreams and beliefs. When you meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself. Click To Tweet

 

Trust the Process and Yourself

You can’t change who you are, where you came from, or past mistakes. Learn to let go and be okay with where you are. All those years of self-criticism haven’t helped you. Maybe you should be kind to yourself instead.

All those years of self-criticism haven’t helped you. Maybe you should be kind to yourself instead. Click To Tweet

Striving for perfection is futile. It doesn’t exist and the chase never ends.

Be patient with yourself. It took _____ (insert your age) years of listening to your inner critic to get here. We can’t expect things to change overnight. Celebrate your small wins and enjoy the journey.

Don’t worry about what you are not or what you are striving to become. You are perfectly wonderful just as you are. This post has some great resources to guide you on your journey.

“There is nothing to prove and nothing to protect. I am who I am and it's enough.” – Richard Rohr Click To Tweet

Learning to love yourself as your neighbor starts by making the choice. Make a conscious effort each day to treat yourself as well as you treat others no matter what. You’ll enjoy a new level of confidence and contentment as you make progress on your journey.

The choice is up to you. You can stay where you are, or learn to love the unique and wonderful you.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” ― Sharon Salzberg Click To Tweet

 

What has helped you learn to love yourself?
Share in the comments below.

 

Elevate Your Relationships by Improving Your Communication Skills

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As I observe conflict in my life and the lives of others, I find it all comes down to one thing― communication. No matter how precisely we communicate something, there will likely be someone who doesn’t get it. I used to get frustrated when people didn’t understand the point I was trying to convey. Then I realized it’s mostly on me.

I used to get frustrated when people didn’t understand the point I was trying to convey. Then I realized it’s mostly on me. Click To Tweet

 

We all have unique personalities and communication styles. I tend to be pretty straightforward and often concise. This can come off as being rude or short. I’m no stranger to being called blunt. I try to not come off this way, but it still happens from time to time.

Someone shared an article with me recently, and I responded in a way that I thought was big picture and insightful. The other person then tried to explain themselves. When I responded that there was no need, they mentioned that I seemed defensive. Yikes! That’s not what I meant at all. I clearly need to work on my communication skills too.

Communication one of the most important skills we can learn. From work, to family life, to interacting in public, it’s a huge part of our daily lives.

 

Communication is one of the most important skills we can learn. From work, to family life, to interacting in public, it’s a huge part of our daily lives. And with the recent introduction of email, texting, and social media, it’s become more complicated than ever. So for your benefit (and mine), I’ve compiled some expert tips from Celeste Headlee, author of We Need to Talk.

In her TED Talk, 10 ways to have a better conversation, Headlee shared the following tips to be a better communicator:

  1. Don’t Multitask – Be Present!
  2. Don’t Pontificate – Set aside your own opinion and assume you have something to learn.
  3. Use Open-Ended Questions – Start questions with who, what, when, where, why, how.
  4. Go With the Flow – Let go of thoughts and ideas that aren’t part of the conversation.
  5. If You Don’t Know, Say That You Don’t – When it comes to your expertise, err on the side of caution.
  6. Don’t Equate Your Experience with Theirs – All experiences are individual.
  7. Try Not to Repeat Yourself – It’s boring and condescending.
  8. Stay Out of the Weeds – Forget the details.
  9. Listen – This is the most important skill you can develop.
  10. Be Brief – Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the subject.

All ten tips boil down to the one concept. Be interested in other people. Keep your mouth shut, keep your mind open, and be prepared to be amazed.

All ten tips boil down to the one concept. Be interested in other people. Keep your mouth shut, keep your mind open, and be prepared to be amazed. Click To Tweet

 

You don’t need to do all of these. If you pick one and master it, you’ll begin to enjoy better conversations almost immediately. For more detail on each tip, watch her full TED Talk below.

 

While this talk is fantastic, what really inspired me was Headlee’s recent interview on, The Art of Charm. I highly recommend setting aside some time to listen. Until then, here my top takeaways from the conversation.

We’ve all heard tricks to communicate better. You’ve likely been taught to look people in the eye, mirror their body language, or repeat what they say. According to Headlee, this is terrible advice. These rules distract us from focusing on the most important part of the conversation, what the other person is saying.

Studies show that most of the time we’re not listening to what the other person is saying. We might spend the first ten or fifteen seconds listening. Then the rest of the time is spent thinking about our response.

Why should we care about listening?

Listening is good for us: neurologically, physically, and emotionally. It’s especially good when we disagree with someone. When we listen, we improve our inclination to learn. In order to do this, we need to stop assuming that we know what the other person is going to say.

Listening is good for us: neurologically, physically, and emotionally. When we listen, we improve our inclination to learn. In order to do this, we need to stop assuming that we know what the other person is going to say. Click To Tweet

 

When it comes to assumptions, we tend to have an “illusion of intimacy.” We assume that we know our closest friends and family members better than we do. This means that it’s not uncommon for the conversations we have with the people we know best to be the most inaccurate. More inaccurate than the conversations we have with strangers.

We confront a different obstacle when dealing with strangers―bias. When we see people who look a certain way, we make assumptions about that person. Assumptions that are more than likely incorrect. Many of us assume that we need to change their mind. But Headlee insists that “the attempt to change somebody’s mind is the death of good conversation.”

“The attempt to change somebody’s mind is the death of good conversation.” -Celeste Headlee Click To Tweet

 

Trying to change someone’s mind never works because you’re changing the power dynamic. You’re putting yourself at a higher level than the person you’re engaging with. At that point, we’ve lost the opportunity to see them as someone who has had life experiences that we can learn from.

The best way to move past bias is by increasing empathy. Reading novels, singing in a choir, and volunteering can all increase empathy. The number one way to increase empathy is by listening to someone else’s perspective and life experiences.

The best way to move past bias is by increasing empathy. Reading novels, singing in a choir, and volunteering increase empathy. The number one way to increase empathy is by listening to someone else’s perspective and life experiences. Click To Tweet

 

Of course, we’re not going to agree with everyone we meet. Here are some tips to have more productive disagreements.

  1. Stop trying to change people’s minds and prove them wrong.
  2. Find the courage to quit avoiding topics that you think will end in an argument.
  3. Join conversations with the intent to learn from the other person.
  4. Show respect – not every opinion deserves respect, but every human being does.
  5. Ask questions.
  6. End well – say, “thank you, it’s not easy to share these opinions, and I appreciate it.”

Finally, always put your phone away!

New research shows that just the presence of a phone made people more likely to say that the other person was unempathetic, untrustworthy, and unfriendly. Trust me, the world won’t implode if you turn your device off for thirty minutes.

 

You owe it to yourself to improve your communication skills. It’s not always easy. But I assure you, the people most important to you will recognize and appreciate your effort.

 

What tips do you have for being a better communicator?
Share in the comments below.

 

Build a Foundation to Have the Freedom to Follow Your Dreams – Part III – Supportive Relationships

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Welcome back to my series on building a foundation to have the freedom to follow your dreams. I introduced the idea behind this foundation in Part I. If you missed it, you can go back and read it here. Last week I covered the first element of the foundation – Good Health. Which leads us to the second element – Supportive Relationships.

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Who are those people for you? Are they people you want to become more like?

Jim Rohn said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Who are those people for you? Are they people you want to become more like?

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” - Jim Rohn Click To Tweet

Most of my life was filled with plenty of unhealthy relationships. For example, I had a friend once who threatened to quit talking to me when I told her the exciting news that I was getting married in Hawaii. She couldn’t believe that I was so selfish to deny her control over my wedding day. I’m sure you can figure out how that ended.

I’ve had bosses who were bullies. And spent years walking on eggshells around coworkers who were willing to sabotage anyone to get ahead. Like everyone, I was teased and made fun of.

There were periods in my life when I felt so desperate to be accepted. I let people treat me like crap because I thought it was normal. I thought that’s how people behave and if I’m being honest, I likely modeled that behavior more than I’d like to admit.

Then I met my husband. He’s not perfect, but he is amazing. He’s filled with more love and kindness than anyone I’ve ever met. Seriously, everyone loves him.

We got married, became best friends, and grew to become each other’s biggest supporter. I learned that life is a whole lot easier when you have positive and supportive people by your side. I also learned that it’s not normal or acceptable to let people treat you like crap.

Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, there are two types of relationships you need to nurture. The first is your relationship with yourself. The second is to have at least one relationship with someone who will support you no matter how bad you screw up. This could be a spouse, family members, friends or a combination. We all need at least one person (preferably more) who will be there through thick and thin.

This is a great time to mention that you will find that you are naturally stronger in some areas than others. I’m naturally wired to be better at the health and financial stuff because there are numbers and formulas to test and follow.

I’m weakest in the relationship arena. But just because we’re not naturally strong in an area doesn’t mean that we can’t and shouldn’t work to improve. Each of these elements are essential to the overall foundation to freedom.

While it’s possible for some people to make progress in the other three areas without supportive relationships, it’s nearly impossible for others. Human beings are made for connection and supportive relationships take what we’re doing to a new level.

Living a healthy lifestyle is a cinch when it’s part of your family’s values. You can achieve your financial goals much faster when you and your spouse work as a team as opposed to flying solo. And we need others to share their knowledge so we can keep growing and vice versa.

Here are five ways that will help you build more supportive relationships.

1 – Become Your Own BFF

It’s awfully difficult to love others if we don’t love ourselves. When we become comfortable being alone with ourselves, we are able to bring our best to other relationships. This part takes time but is worth the effort. Be patient and work to grow closer to yourself each and every day.

2 – Invest in Your Significant Other

If you are coupled, this is the most important human relationship you can have as an adult. This is especially true if you are raising children together. Invest the time and effort needed to become a stronger team and a united front.

3 – Be a Giver

In our culture, it’s easy to feel like most people are out for themselves. Why not change that by becoming a giver? This doesn’t mean that you let people take advantage of you and walk all over you. It means that you give and serve others proactively without expecting anything in return. It will change the way you see the world around you and will help the people you spend the most time with learn to become givers too.

4 – Set Boundaries

“The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it’s difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable”  ― Brené Brown

It’s difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us ... if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable.  ― Brené Brown Click To Tweet

Thanks, Brené for making me realize that we have terrible boundaries. I thought that my husband Jer and I had good boundaries because we set limits to the amount of crazy we allow in our lives. But we were really just limiting how often we allowed people walk all over us.

We are good at saying no when we need to. But we’re terrible at communicating what’s okay and what’s not okay. As a result, we fail to hold people accountable.

Setting boundaries is hard and many of us were raised in families without boundaries. That’s why it’s so important to have a healthy relationship with yourself and at least one other person who will be there no matter what.

Like all good things, setting boundaries takes time. But the short-term pain will be worth it when you can live a life free from resentment.

5 – Be a Rising Tide

Learn to see yourself as a mentor AND a mentee. In all of your relationships, focus on helping others become their best selves. This applies to friends, family, colleagues, children, and your spouse. Always be focused on lifting others up.

Always be focused on lifting others up. Click To Tweet

At the same time, be humble enough to allow others to do the same for you. Personal growth is a life long journey and we must be open to allowing others to lift us up along the way.

Finding others who will lift you up is easier than it sounds. The most difficult part for most of us will be stepping out of our comfort zones.

You could surround yourself with like-minded people by signing up to volunteer for a cause you feel passionate about. Check out meetup.com to find groups who share similar interests. If you’re into a particular sport, like cycling or running, look for group activities sponsored by your local bike and fitness shops. Social media can be another great way to meet people. Instagram, for example, is a great way to find people in your area with similar interests.

By implementing these five habits, you’ll begin to notice your relationships becoming more positive almost immediately. Keep in mind that as you begin to make changes in one area, you’ll start to see positive changes in the other areas as well.

Creating the foundation to live our best lives if a lifelong journey. Give yourself the grace to be okay with where you are while finding the determination to keep moving forward.

Don’t miss the other five parts of this series. Here’s what you can expect.

Part I – Building a Foundation to Freedom
Part II – Freedom through Good Health
Part III – Freedom through Supportive Relationships
Part IV – Freedom through Financial Fitness
Part V – Freedom through Personal Growth
Part VI – Tying it All Together and Taking Action

*Note: All links will become active as each post goes live.

Be sure to come back next week to learn the five essential elements to become financially fit.

Which of these five areas would you like to work on?
Share in the comments below.

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The Little Things – How Everyday Moments End Up Meaning the Most

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I bet you have an incredible bucket list filled with epic experiences, far-flung adventures, and big hairy goals. But what if at the end of your life, it’s not the epic adventures you remember, but the little things? Would that inspire you to live differently today?

What if at the end of your life, it’s not the epic adventures you remember, but the little things? Click To Tweet
What if at the end of your life, it’s not the epic adventures you remember, but the little things?

The purpose of this community is to help passionate midlifers rediscover their dreams and build the foundation to start living them. We’ve stopped saying “someday” and are focused on creating a foundation of good health, supportive relationships, financial freedom and personal growth. We set goals, live with intention, and brush ourselves off when we stumble and fall.

We live with purpose and passion and feel inspired to shoot for the stars. Some days we’re terrified. Other days we’re filled with hope and awe. But there’s a risk to living with such intense focus. We risk missing the magic of the ordinary every day.

The power of the little things became crystal clear during a marriage retreat my husband, Jer, and I recently attended.

But first, a little about our background. Neither of us grew up with a lot of money. While we had big dreams, they didn’t stretch much beyond what we already knew. We’re both the oldest children in our families and have a sense of adventure and independence that has helped shape our lives together.

The last seventeen years with my husband have been more than I ever could have imagined. I’ve flown all over the US, visiting every major city and experiencing the good life. We’ve taken up new and exciting hobbies like cycling, hiking, and camping. We’ve traveled throughout North America, South America, Europe and most of the Hawaiian Islands. We’ve gotten lost in the mountains of Greece, pulled out of a rental car at gunpoint by the border patrol in Mexico, and experienced our first hurricane on the island of Kauai.

It’s been a rich life of experience so far. But that’s not what this message is about.

During this aforementioned marriage retreat, we worked through a series of topics by writing love letters about our memories, feelings, and experiences. I quickly began to notice a trend. It wasn’t these big momentous adventures that we anticipated and saved up for that made our happy memories. It was the little moments. Sometimes these little moments were on beaches in exotic locales like Nicaragua. But more often than not, they were right in our back yard.

For example, I wrote to Jer about a recent day when we set aside the whole day to hang out. We went to our favorite art museum and then finished the day with burgers, wings, and beer. There was nothing else on our agenda. We just hung out like when we were dating. The entire day cost $46. But the fun and connection experienced that day felt like a million bucks.

Jer wrote to me about a time when we made dinner together and ate on the patio. He shared how it felt to spend the evening sipping margaritas and chatting about life. This was just an ordinary day, but for Jer, it conjured up memories of deep and loving connection.

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.” ― Marcus Aurelius

I’m not saying that the big things aren’t important. Our big dreams and goals give us something to look forward to. Big dreams bring purpose and fulfillment to our lives. This message is a reminder to never overlook the magic of the everyday.

This message is a reminder to never overlook the magic of the everyday. Click To Tweet
The little things that we remember can happen at any time. By learning to create margin in our lives, we find the opportunity make the most of them. That means we must schedule the time to slow down and connect with those who are most important to us. Here are a few ideas to get you started.

How to Make Each Day Matter

  • Slow down, be present, and listen fully.
  • Put a little extra love into tonight’s dinner. Make a special salad or dessert. Do something out of the ordinary.
  • Sit down for dinner with your spouse. Light some candles and turn off the usual distractions.
  • Pack up your lunch and head out for a picnic. Don’t forget a bottle of sparkling wine.
  • Clear your schedules one day each month and hang out all day like you did when you were dating.
  • Spend five extra minutes each night reading to your kids.
  • Turn off the TV. Read a book. Play a game. Talk about your day.
  • Go outside and play. Go for a walk. Swing at the playground. Toss a Frisbee or go for a bike ride.
  • Write each family member a letter telling them why you love them.
  • Lay out under the stars and talk about your dreams.
  • Create a new fancy cocktail at home.
  • Learn to make sushi, homemade pizza, or a fancy dessert as a family.
  • Go to bed early to cuddle and talk.
  • Schedule a family joke night with a traveling trophy for the best joke.
  • Do something you’ve never done each week. Be a tourist in your own town. Try a new restaurant, new museum, or tour an old landmark.
  • Schedule a spa night with face masks and massages.
  • Write a thank you note to each family member for something special they did that week.
  • Buy or pick some flowers, just because.
  • Go out for ice cream as a family. Or learn to make ice cream from scratch.
  • Watch the sunset.

The greatest joys in life are often found in the simplest pleasures. Whether you’re touring Europe or sitting in your backyard, don’t forget to slow down enough to let them sink in. Keep on chasing those big bold dreams, but never neglect this incredible journey.

Keep on chasing those big bold dreams, but never neglect this incredible journey. Click To Tweet
What is your fondest simple memory?
Share in the comments below.

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7 Simple Ways to Be a Supportive Spouse (Friend, Boss, Parent …)

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One of my favorite Jim Rohn quotes is, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” It’s true. If you spend time with focused and driven people, you’ll become more focused and driven. If you spend time with negative people, you too will become more negative.

I wish I had learned this earlier in life. Having to figure this out on my own, I learned a really cool trick to get more positive and supportive people in your life. To attract more supportive people, you must become a supportive person.

To attract more supportive people, you must become a supportive person.
To attract more supportive people, you must become a supportive person.
To attract more supportive people, you must become a supportive person. Click To Tweet

 

One of the most important relationships to show support is in a marriage. While I wasn’t always intentional with the people I chose to surround myself with, I lucked out when it came to choosing a spouse. All of the big wins Jer and I have had, wouldn’t have been possible without each other’s support.

Most people have a crab mentality. As soon as it looks like you’re getting ahead, they try to pull you back down. This is especially true in some families. Rather than focusing on how something could work, they focus on why it’s a terrible idea and how you will fail. When you do win, they tell you how you just lucked out because of your circumstances.

 

 

Can you see why it’s important to have an advocate on your side? We have enough self-doubt, we don’t need the added negativity.

While the ideas I touch on come from my marriage, they can be applied to any relationship. You can use these tips to be a better friend, boss, or parent. I hope you find them useful.

These useful tips will help you become a better friend, boss, spouse, and parent. Click To Tweet

 

7 Ways to Be More Supportive

1 – Encourage Them to Take Risks

When I came up with the idea for this post, I put my thoughts into Evernote, as I always do. That weekend, Jer told me that he wanted to look into a bike racing team. I said, “You should.” He went on to tell me how much he appreciates my supportive nature.

The reason I’m sharing this story is because, during that conversation, I told him that I had an idea for a blog post about being a supportive and I would like to interview him. He agreed and later we enjoyed a lengthy conversation about what being supportive means.

What’s interesting is that encouragement was the first thing I jotted down the day I made my notes. It’s also the first thing Jer mentioned when we sat down to discuss it. Encouragement is a big deal. But it’s not always easy. It’s scary to encourage your spouse to leave a toxic work environment and go down to one income. It’s expensive to encourage our spouse to study blacksmithing and metal sculpture. It’s uncomfortable to think about the sacrifices you’ll have to make to support their risky dreams.

Choosing to be an encourager can make or break the other person’s dreams. We all doubt ourselves enough. We need an encourager to help us take the leap.

2 – Be Honest (Sometimes The Voice of Reason)

It goes without saying that you should always be honest in your relationships. It’s difficult to build trust and so easy to lose.

It’s difficult to build trust and so easy to lose. Click To Tweet

Sometimes being honest will require that you’re the voice of reason. This doesn’t negate the first step but rather works with it. Both Jer and I want to do everything, all of the time, right now! It helps to have someone who understands your values and priorities to reign you in.

This doesn’t mean that you get to squash your partner’s hopes and dreams. Instead, you might ask, “I love those ideas, what’s the most important thing you want to work on right now?” Other questions could include, “that’s a great plan, how will that help you achieve x?” And, “I think you’d be really good at that, how will you fit it into your schedule?” 

From there, an open and honest discussion will help you make the best decision for both of you.

3 – Ask How You Can Help

When I left the corporate world, we decided that it would be better for us as a team if I didn’t get a traditional job. I could take care of our household, giving us both the time to pursue other interests.

I mistakenly pictured a more leisurely life of sleeping in, enjoying coffee on the patio, reading and gardening. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, I love my life. But it can be stressful sometimes. I find myself balancing two equally important priorities. Being a full-time homemaker which includes shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening, finances, volunteering, and more. At the same time, I’m trying to create an online community and business from scratch.

Things get crazy when we have additional projects. Sometimes I can’t do it all and in those moments, Jer asks, “how can I help?” Giving me an extra hour in my day by offering to make dinner is a huge help.

In most marriages today, both spouses work outside the home. If this is you, this tip is especially important. Helping each other fill in the gaps means more quality time together.

Helping each other fill in the gaps means more quality time together. Click To Tweet

 

4 – Be Generous with Thanks, Acknowledgements, and Compliments

As adults, we don’t get nearly enough compliments. In fact, we’re so bad at it, I wrote a post on how to do it better.

You can’t control what the rest of the world does, but you can change what happens in your own home. I can’t tell you what it means when I get a sincere thank you for making dinner. Or when I remind Jer that I bought bananas as he’s heading out the door and he tells me what a great job I do as a wife. It’s just bananas, but it feels good to be acknowledged.

5 – ALWAYS be Positive

When I was interviewing Jer for this post, he spent a lot of time on this. He said, “You always focus on the positive aspect of things. Everyone in my family is so negative. They just talk about all of the reasons it won’t work. You always talk about how it will work.”

He continued to explain how my positivity helps nudge him toward positive action. One of the examples he used was his first 100-mile bike ride. Instead of telling him he was crazy and that it would suck, I helped him plan it and rode with him the last 65 miles.

6 – Embrace an Anything-Is-Possible Mindset

This was another point that Jer emphasized. As far back as I can remember, I’ve done things my way. If my parents told me something wouldn’t work, I knew I had to try it. I’ve always had big dreams. I often don’t know how it’s going to work, but I’ll be damned if I don’t figure it out.

Jer went on to explain how this mindset changed his life. He explained how when you grow up in poverty, you just assume that’s the way life is. You don’t really think that it’s possible to be a millionaire or to travel the world. You’ve been told that’s just for “those people” and you believe it to be true.

By marrying someone who likes to say, “screw it, I’m gonna do it anyway,” he was presented with new ideas and opportunities he otherwise wouldn’t have considered. He said that “it shifted his perspective” and he began to think that anything is possible too.

7 – Show Interest

Finally, Jer says to show interest in the other person’s interests. Or as my marriage mentor Joanne Miller says, “If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.”

If it's important to you, it's important to me. - Joanne F. Miller Click To Tweet

During the Tour de France, Jer would give me a lengthy recap of each stage. I love riding my bike, but I really don’t care about professional cycling. But I listen because I love to see the joy in his face when I remember the names of the cyclists he talks about.

While you’re at it, why not engage in their passions with them? We have both done lots of things we had no interest in initially and ended up enjoying immensely, like fishing. It’s a fun way to learn and grow together.

 

I narrowed this list down to what I felt were the most important qualities. I bet you can think of many more. By learning to encourage, be honest, help, acknowledge, be positive, think big, and show interest, you’ll create a foundation to make both of your dreams a reality.

By learning to encourage, think big, & show interest, you’ll build a foundation to make your dreams a reality. Click To Tweet

What tips do you have to be more supportive?
What’s the most supportive thing someone has done for you?
Share in the comments below.

 

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