Holly Scherer

Find Yourself Outside

Relationship and Family

When Helping Hurts – How to Set Financial Boundaries

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Have you ever had a friend, coworker, or family member who struggled to manage their money? No matter how hard they tried, they just couldn’t do what they needed to do to take care of the important things. I’m not talking about someone who is down on their luck. I’m talking about someone who has been begging you to help them out of a bind for the last 20 years. You want to help them, but you’re starting to feel like giving them money isn’t the best thing you could do. Here’s how to set financial boundaries so you can save your sanity, financial future, and relationship.

For many years I volunteered teaching life skills classes. One of the most challenging topics I taught was budgeting and personal finance. Money is a very emotionally charged topic and one wrong word could incite a fierce argument.

I didn’t particularly like teaching that class for that very reason. But I’ve seen how being intentional about personal finance can completely change someone’s life. Creating financial freedom changed every aspect of our life and I’m passionate about helping others do the same. I’m also a crazy person who loves a challenge so I kept teaching the class and eventually found a way to get my message across without starting a riot.

There wasn’t a single class where I didn’t hear a story about relationships destroyed by money. No wonder we have such strong emotions about the topic. It was always the same story. They lent someone a large chunk of cash and when they tried to get repaid, they never heard from them again. There were many variations of that story and I’m sure you have your own. I’m hoping that the things I share with you today will help you avoid a similar scenario in the future.

Families are Weird

I said that to a friend recently. Her response was, “families are weird.”

No two families are alike. Each family has its own unique culture and expectations. If I look at how my and my husband’s family of two operates, compared to my family of origin, then compared to the family he grew up in … well, you can’t even compare them. They all function so differently.

With that in mind, my goal is not to tell you what’s right for your family. Instead, I’m going to share a little bit about how we’ve dealt with family and financial matters.

What are Boundaries?

I love that boundaries is such a common topic these days. I believe they are the cornerstone of healthy relationships. That doesn’t mean they’re easy to articulate. But simply learning about boundaries is a great first step to building better connections.

So what are boundaries? I love Brené Brown’s simple definition: what’s okay and what’s not okay.

It’s up to each of us to define what is and is not okay for ourselves and our families. As a couple, Jer and I are a united front when it comes to our boundaries. The next step is learning to communicate these boundaries and hold others accountable.

I don’t know about you, but communicating boundaries is challenging for me. Rather than telling someone, “It hurts me when you talk to me like that.” I’d rather down a bottle of zinfandel and pretend to ignore it. And by pretend to ignore it I mean not saying anything to that person directly but complaining about it to Jer for the next week to 12 months.

That’s the thing about boundaries. If you’re not willing to communicate them and hold others accountable, you could spend your whole life poisoning yourself with resentment. If you have a situation that would benefit from stronger boundaries, I highly recommend learning more by reading a book like Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.

Boundaries or Resentment?

Unless you clearly define what is and is not okay, you may be setting yourself up for resentment. This is especially true when it comes to families and even more so when money is involved. Here are three common causes of resentment.

1 – Expectations

My friend Ashley always says, “Unspoken expectations lead to premeditated resentments.” Can we just take a moment to give Ashley a virtual round of applause here?

This is one of the truest things I’ve ever heard and unfortunately something I’ve experienced hundreds of times. I’ve referenced my and my husband’s personality styles in so many posts and I have more fun examples coming next week. But as it pertains to expectations, Jer is a sweet peacekeeper who gives generously and is loved by everyone. This also means that he doesn’t always communicate what he needs.

I could care less about celebrating Christmas. My idea of a perfect holiday is hopping on a plane and going somewhere warm and spending Christmas on a beach eating tacos and drinking margaritas. Decorating and buying and wrapping gifts was unenjoyable work to me so each year I did a little less.

Then one day, it came to a head. By then I had two years under my belt of not putting up a single decoration. Then one Saturday in December when we were snowed in, Jer asked if I wanted to put up the Christmas tree. “Nah,” I responded, “then we’ll have to take it down in a couple of weeks and that’s just too much work” Apparently that was not the response he was looking for.

Sweet, kind, generous Jer was not happy. He said, “Thanks for ruining Christmas. It’s the one happy memory I have from my childhood and you had to go and ruin it.”

Um? Excuse me? We’ve been together for more than 15 years. Why is this the first time I’m hearing this?

Since then I’ve learned to play nice at Christmas. And learned to remind Jer that I can’t read his mind. While we’re not perfect, we’ve learned to communicate better and intend to keep improving.

We both laugh about this now which makes it a perfect example of what can happen in families when we’re not communicating our needs and desires.

I think we all know families who have dealt with resentment from unspoken expectations. This is especially true when money is involved. I’m sure we’ve all heard of blowouts during a reading of the will or splitting up an estate. Countless celebrities have complained about their families treating them like ATMs. And others feel slighted because they’re not getting their fair share.

All of this resentment could have been prevented by simply communicating our expectations. Better yet, learning to let them go altogether. You can’t control the expectations that family members have of you, but you can choose to let go of your expectations toward them.

2 – Manipulation

When our families, workplace, or friend group doesn’t have a culture that openly asks for what they need, manipulation can come into play. Manipulation is something that really bothers me. If you want me to do something, just ask. Don’t create some 20 step scheme to try to trick me into doing what you want. Even worse, don’t try and manipulate Jer because you know I’ll say no.

Some common forms of manipulation I’ve seen families use with one another are guilt, shame, threats, triangulation, lies, blame, and bribery. All of these behaviors are very toxic and you have the right and responsibility to set boundaries when they’re are being used on you. There may be tension in the moment, but being direct upfront will prevent future resentment.

3 – Lending

Last but not least, that classic example I shared earlier—lending.

Someone recently asked a friend of mine, “what are your three biggest regrets?” The first thing he said was lending money to his brother. He went on to explain that he’ll never see that money again and it didn’t fix the problem. Not only did he feel resentment toward his brother for not paying him back, but his brother also resented my friend for not continuing to bail him out.

This is such a common problem with family and friends. In the next section, I’m going to share some thoughts on avoiding this trap. But in my opinion, it’s best to not lend money to family and friends.

How to Prevent Resentment

So how do you honor your boundaries and avoid resentment?

Learn to get comfortable communicating your needs and let go of your expectations. And when it comes to lending—don’t do it!

If you want to help a family member, give, don’t lend. Give because you want to help them and believe in what they’re doing. Give without the expectation of getting anything in return. Give freely and joyfully, not because you feel guilty or manipulated.

When considering whether giving is the right choice, ask if it aligns with your values. If you are disciplined with money, would it challenge you to give to someone who spends frivolously and irresponsibly?

I know someone who loaned money to their father because he was having trouble covering his mortgage. The following weekend he took a trip out of town and dropped hundreds of dollars on hotels, restaurants, and bars for a pool tournament. As you can imagine, this created tension that rippled throughout the entire family.

One of our personal financial boundaries is that we don’t give money that supports unhealthy behaviors. If the family member in question has an issue with drugs, alcohol, gambling, or hoarding, we prefer to find other ways to help. Giving a hoarder money to buy more stuff hurts them more than it helps.

Helping Without Hurting

In situations where the money would be used in a way that is harmful to the individual, consider other ways you can help. Buy them groceries, bring them home-cooked meals, or a bag of clothing. Offer to help them better manage the resources they do have. Volunteer to help them create a budget or manage their bills and expenses. You could even offer to pay for a class to help them learn the skills they need to get back on track. There are so many wonderful and creative ways you can help.

And here’s a coaching pro tip. ALWAYS put the ball in their court when it comes to taking action. Ask them to send you an email with dates when you could schedule a sit-down to work on a budget. Have them gather statements and send you copies before you meet. If you’re buying them a course, have them sign up for the class and cut them a check upon receiving the receipt. Their action on the front end is a good indicator of future follow-through.

There are few subjects that are more complicated than relationships and finances. It’s safe to say that it’s something we will all encounter at some point in our lives. If not family, almost everyone has had that friend that never paid them back or took advantage of them.

Knowing how to communicate and stick to your boundaries will help you navigate these situations more easily. If you don’t feel good about a situation, you’re not obligated to do it, even if it’s family. It’s better to be direct and say no upfront than dealing with resentment that could fester for years.

What important lessons have you learned about friends, family, and money? Share in the comments below or hop on over to Facebook and share your story.

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How eliminating debt helped John and Lisa thrive during an unexpected layoff

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Having spent the first part of my career in the corporate world, I’ve watched hundreds of people navigate unexpected layoffs. It was heartbreaking to watch and devastating for those experiencing it firsthand. Then not that long ago, a friend mentioned that his wife would be losing her job the following spring. Rather than being devastated by the layoff, they seemed to welcome this unexpected change with eager anticipation. And by eliminating debt, they not only survived but thrived during the unexpected.

I was so inspired by their journey that I asked if they’d be willing to share their experience with a larger audience. I’m grateful they agreed and hope that John and Lisa’s story helps you believe that eliminating debt and financial freedom are attainable for you too. Please enjoy John’s encouraging words and wisdom about life after debt.

Most people are pretty scared when they experience a layoff. It’s ingrained in our culture to identify our self-worth with our paycheck. But in reality, most of us are living just a paycheck or two from a crisis.

That’s absolutely where we were when I (John) experienced a layoff in 2013. We were terrified. We didn’t know where our money was going, much less where it would be coming in from. Even after that crisis passed and I found a new job, I never shook that feeling of panic.

Two things happened when I lost my job. First, I became painfully aware of how much money I had wasted on stuff that didn’t matter to me. I sat there with a legal pad trying to figure out how we were going to pay bills that month and my shelf of unwatched DVDs started to look like a wall of 20 dollar bills I would never get back.

I realized that none of the stuff for which we had gone into debt actually brought happiness or fulfillment. They didn't then and I know now that they never will. @JohnSQuast Click To Tweet

I realized that none of the stuff for which we had gone into debt actually brought happiness or fulfillment. I believed the lies that driving a certain car would make me feel like I’d “made it,” that having the newest toys would bring me joy, or that going to all the best shows and eating at the trendiest restaurants would make me feel content. They didn’t then and I know now that they never will.

Second, the support and encouragement I received from my wife, Lisa, made me realize that I’d always had the fulfillment I was grasping for; I was just ignoring it. I began to rely on God and my wife for contentment, not the image I projected with material possessions. I realized that loving people and connection brought joy, not toys or experiences.

I asked myself why I was letting this stuff get in the way of doing the things that bring me real fulfillment. What I truly desired was taking care of my family, spending time with family and friends, giving to and serving others. At that point, I got mad. Every useless thing I had was standing between me and the life I wanted for our family.

A few months after my layoff I found Dave Ramsey’s book The Total Money Makeover. It resonated with what I was feeling about our recent layoff scare. I wanted to have control over our money and to be able to set aside enough so that if something like that happened again, we’d be prepared. If we could just start eliminating debt payments, we’d actually have money left over at the end of each month. We took to the plan, got on a budget, and attacked our debt.

If budgeting feels as intimidating to you as it did for me, start the way we did with a reverse budget. I set up budgeting software and tracked our spending for a month. We used Quicken, but Every Dollar or Betterment are also good options. Just by tracking and being mindful, we cut our expenses and it gave us a baseline to work from. When we saw exactly how much eating out was costing us, it became easy to plan a menu and go grocery shopping. At the same time, it was encouraging to see how cutting a few expenses increased the amount we were putting toward eliminating debt. That motivated us to cut more.

Part of the Dave Ramsey plan is to sell all the unneeded stuff you’ve accumulated and put the proceeds toward eliminating debt. This was very healing as I was able to recover some of the money I wasted and pare down what I owned. I’ve since become very intentional about what I own and try to only bring things into my life that add value.

I started a spreadsheet to track how much debt we paid off with the stuff we sold. As we sold more and more, I realized that I didn’t miss any of it. I can only think of a couple of times in the last five years when I needed something we had sold. There were over 300 line items in that spreadsheet and many of those were bulk lots such as a garage sale where hundreds of items were sold.

We paid off our last non-mortgage debt just before Christmas 2014. You’d expect our spending to increase after that, but it didn’t. We found that we didn’t miss most of the things we cut, so there was no reason to bring them back. We went out to dinner more often and felt comfortable spending on things that were important to us and added value. But our spending patterns didn’t change.

Fast forward to 2018. Lisa didn’t like her job and we had reason to believe they might be shutting down her office. So when she called to tell me the layoff notice had come across, I remember being excited for her. Then I felt worried about her state of mind. I worried she would feel devalued, rejected, or like a failure.

Instead, she was kind of giddy. It was like someone had taken a weight off her shoulders. She felt secure about our financial position, which enabled her to focus on helping her employees navigate the unemployment system and get the help they needed.

This time around, instead of feeling panic, the financial margin we created by eliminating debt allowed us to start thinking about what we could do differently. A year earlier on a weekend getaway for our anniversary, we started dreaming about what we’d do differently. Lisa expressed regret that she hadn’t been home with the kids more, so we started making plans for her to be able to quit her job in the summer of 2019. When we found out that she was being let go a year earlier than planned, we realized that God had more faith in our plan than we did.

When Lisa expressed interest in staying home more with the kids we started daydreaming about what that would look like. She didn’t want to quit her job and be home year-round, so contract work during the kid’s school year made sense. I already had a budget established so I had a rough idea of what we’d need to save and the areas we’d need to trim to get through the summer on one income. When the layoff came, we’d already done a lot of the mental groundwork.

It was a surreal feeling as her job was winding down and she wasn’t hunting for a new one. The kids started a countdown on the calendar and a growing list of things to do over the summer. The first Monday Lisa didn’t have to go to work everyone was so excited. And I was excited for them as I left for work and they were happily planning their day.

The summer wasn’t all playdates and fun outings. It was an adjustment for Lisa to be with the kids 24/7, and an adjustment for the kids to not have a structured daycare day and classmates to interact with. They drove each other crazy sometimes, as siblings do, but it was a good experience.

Holly asked what advice I’d give others and the simplest answer is to get out of debt. I think that’s a wise choice for everyone, but that’s only part of the story.

You also need to create margin in your life. When a significant percentage of your monthly expenses are fixed debt payments, you don’t have the opportunity to consider things like a more fulfilling job, taking time off, or starting a business. When your schedule is crammed full, you don’t have the time or emotional energy to ask questions like: What do I really want to do? What do I find fulfilling? Or what do I need to stop doing because it’s draining me? Being able to ask those questions, having the margin to really consider the answer, and then doing something about them is far more important than how much money you have.

When a significant percentage of your monthly expenses are fixed debt payments, you don't have the opportunity to consider things like a more fulfilling job, taking time off, or starting a business. @JohnSQuast Click To Tweet

If you’re in a place where creating financial margin seems a long way off, I understand. We had a point in our journey when we didn’t know how we could possibly create the space we have today. Back then saving $1,000 seemed like an unrealistic goal.

If that’s you, consider whether you’re holding any limiting beliefs that make that goal seem further away than it really is. Maybe you’re already working two jobs or working full time and pouring yourself into your kids the rest of the time. If not, would you be willing to make that sacrifice for a period of time to create margin in the future? Or pick up a side hustle like thrift store and garage sale flipping. Check out Gary Vaynerchuk’s advice on how anyone can make extra cash hitting up garage and estate sales. Or consider Dave Ramsey’s advice about delivering pizzas a couple of nights a week instead of surfing the net or watching Netflix.

Wherever you’re at right now, eliminating debt and financial freedom is within reach. I (Holly again) believe the old adage that we become the people we spend the most time with. Consider surrounding yourself with people who are already doing what you want to do. Fill your social media feed with people who are positive and inspiring. And then start doing the work so you too can thrive though the unexpected just like John and Lisa did.

Thank you again to John and Lisa for generously sharing their story. I truly enjoyed going through the process of developing this with John and I hope it provides great value to you or someone you know. If you’d like to connect with John, you can follow him on Twitter or connect on Facebook.

Can you relate to John’s story? Feel free to share your comments in the space below or come start a conversation on Facebook.

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Why you need a vacation and how to disconnect while you’re there

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Are you in need of a vacation and the opportunity to disconnect and recharge? In our always connected and overly busy culture, never has there been more of a need to power down. But according to Glassdoor, two-thirds of Americans report working while on vacation. This is a problem and I have some ideas about what you can do to fix it.

This is the fourth post in my series on the importance of travel and how to make it happen. It all started when I shared three ways I’m living a more meaningful life after visiting Mexico. Then I shared some tips to save cash for your next vacation and say bon voyage to debt. My last brand new post shared 5 tips to stay motivated while you work to make your travel dreams a reality. And stayed tuned for one more post in a couple of weeks about bringing that vacation feeling home.

I’m passionate about travel because I’ve experienced firsthand how it changes you. And I believe that most of us don’t do it enough. Our internal and external expectations to always be on are causing stress, depression, and chronic illness. That’s why I decided to make it a priority again after putting travel on the back burner for a couple of years.

I’ve always felt a little guilty for taking time to disconnect and recharge. Then last summer I had an epiphany. I realized that none of this is a waste. It’s part of my journey and my story. It’s a deposit in who I become and what I create. It’s never a waste! It’s so much easier to achieve your goals if you allow yourself time and space to heal your mind, body, soul, and relationships. You can read all about it in this Instagram post.

According to a 2018 Gallup poll, only six in 10 Americans took a vacation away from home in 2017. It’s estimated that 200 MILLION vacation days are forfeited annually costing workers $66.4 BILLION in lost benefits. EVERY YEAR!

That’s assuming employees are even allowed vacation time. The US is the ONLY developed country in the world with ZERO legally required paid vacation days. I was shocked to discover that a quarter of Americans get no paid time off. The average number of paid days off for a private sector employee is 16 days. This is barely a drop in the bucket compared to Austria and Portugal which both require 22 paid vacation days and 13 paid holidays annually. That’s more than double!

I completely understand how we got here. I’ve worked for plenty of bosses who openly discouraged taking time away from work. Those bosses even more openly encouraged (or demanded) working while taking time off. Knowing the importance of disconnecting while traveling, I refused to give that up for a demanding boss. Not only did we take vacations, but we also made sure that there was no way we could work. We did this by leaving the country, booking hotels without Wi-Fi, and going into the wilderness where there were no cell towers.

“Jobs fill your pocket, but adventures fill your soul.” – Jamie Lyn Beatty Click To Tweet

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What started out of necessity has become something we choose to do and look forward to. Here are some of the ways we’ve benefitted from disconnecting while traveling.

  1. Helps uncover your inner strength and builds confidence by stepping out of your comfort zone.
  2. Challenges your beliefs and biases and makes you more empathetic.
  3. Helps you feel connected in this increasingly disconnected world by asking for help and accepting the kindness of strangers.
  4. Improves your adaptability by learning to let go of the need to control every variable and expecting predictable outcomes.
  5. Reduces stress and improves overall health.
  6. Inspires you to feel grateful for all that you have and be more generous with others.
  7. Improves your relationships by disconnecting from technology and normal routines so you can spend quality time reconnecting, working as a team, and building trust.
  8. Creates lasting memories through shared experiences and trying new things together.
  9. Improves communication skills by working together to solve problems and navigate high-stress situations.
  10. You’ll allow yourself to let go, have fun, laugh and heal.
Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends – Maya Angelou Click To Tweet

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Now that you know some of the benefits, let me help you with the how. The most common reason people tell me they don’t disconnect is fear. I believe you can tame these fears by laying the proper expectations and framework before you go. Here’s how to do that.

Recognize that most “emergencies” aren’t actually emergencies.

The last organization I worked for was very reactive which meant EVERYTHING WAS AN EMERGENCY. I’d always laugh when I came back from vacation and see all the fire drills that two weeks later had long been forgotten.

Know your why and what’s really important.

My health and my marriage come before any job. These are two of my non-negotiables. Figure out what yours are and go into your trip having them clearly defined. Check out this post if you need some guidance.

Set the expectation before you go. Be upfront about your plans. Let everyone who may need to contact you what they should expect. Tell them that you’re going into the wilderness and won’t have cell service. Ask them if there’s anything you need to address beforehand. Then ask someone to step in and address any emergencies that may arise.

Clear up any loose ends before you go.

I make sure all of my work is taken care of for up to a week after I plan to return home. It’s so much easier to relax when you don’t have work tasks to worry about.

Set up an out of office with clear language and instructions.

Say that you’re out of the office and when you’ll return their message. Share your why and use the opportunity to inspire others to do the same.

Leave your work phone and laptop at home.

You can’t file a report you don’t have access too, can you?

Choose hotels without Wi-Fi or select destinations with no wireless coverage.

I’ve already mentioned this, but if you’ll be tempted to check in, make sure you can’t. This is becoming increasingly difficult, but I still know plenty of places where you can get off the grid.

Stick to your plan and stay firm with your boundaries.

If this is new for you, know that people might try to get you to break the promise you made to yourself and your family. Figure out how you’ll hold yourself accountable before you take off.

Turn off the notifications on all your devices.

I turned off most notifications in 2012 and never looked back. I know some of you can’t do this in everyday life, but the least you could do is enjoy a vacation without constant interruptions and requests.

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If a nice long getaway isn’t an option for you right now, set a goal for future travel. Then scrape together as much time as you can for a nice staycation. Stay in a local Bed and Breakfast or plan a tropical vacation at home. Crank up the heat, power-down your phones, grab a good book, mix a tropical drink, and enjoy. Or go out and be a tourist in your own town and visit museums and restaurants you wouldn’t normally visit.

I’ve been fortunate to experience firsthand the healing and connection that accompanies disconnecting while traveling. I hope this post has inspired you to disconnect too. At the end of our lives, these will be the little things we remember most. Stop waiting and start creating memories that last a lifetime.

“A person susceptible to “wanderlust” is not so much addicted to movement as committed to transformation.” – Pico Iyer Click To Tweet

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What tips do you have for disconnecting on vacation? Share in the comments below or come give me a shout out on Facebook.

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5 Ways to Build a More Meaningful Marriage

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Doesn’t it seem like our western culture is on an endless quest to find happiness? We’re always looking for the next thing that will make us happy and often end up disappointed. So instead of chasing the illusion of happiness, my husband Jer and I have shifted our attention to creating a life of meaning––meaningful work, a meaningful life, and a meaningful marriage.

Creating a meaningful life is not a one-size-fits-all formula. We all have different interests, passions, experiences, and wiring. This means that the things that are meaningful to me, might not mean anything to you. Jer and I find meaning by investing in experiences and travel. You might find meaning by building a comfortable home where you can nurture and entertain loved ones. Both are equally valuable.

A meaningful marriage will look different for all of us. For me and Jer, it looks like good health, freedom, connection, and adventure. Have you defined what a meaningful marriage would look like to you?

No matter what it looks like, the five lessons I share in this post will help you create more meaning and connection. While this article is specifically about marriage, these tips can help nurture any relationship. So whether you’re a single guy looking for the one, newlyweds enjoying your first year of marital bliss, a couple who’ve been stuck in a rut, or a busy single mom, this post is for you.

Wherever you are right now, we all start in the same place, defining what a meaningful life and relationship means to you. Before you continue, take a moment to come up with three words that make things meaningful. If you need help figuring it out, check out this post.

Whether you’re a single guy looking for the one, newlyweds enjoying your first year of bliss, a couple who’ve been stuck in a rut, or a busy single mom, this post is for you.

Jer and I celebrated 15 years of marriage and 19 years together a few days before I published this article. In anticipation of our big day, we sat down and discussed all of the lessons we’ve learned along the way. Since we’re often asked our secrets to making it work, I wanted to share our most valuable lessons with you.

Let me start by saying that it’s not always perfect. I’ve shared openly about fights we continually repeat, how we deal with disagreements about finances, and how we support each other even when we don’t agree. I value these imperfections as much as the good times. It’s in these difficult moments that we often find the most clarity and growth.

This is an important reminder for this perfectly filtered, always on, social-media-driven world we live in. Just like everyone else, our lives and marriage aren’t perfect.

That said, it’s not an act either. We grow closer each day in good times and bad. We’ve created a life and marriage that are more meaningful than we could ever have imagined. And I can honestly say that we are grateful each day. So without further ado, here are …

5 Ways to Build a More Meaningful Marriage

5 – Choose Your Battles Wisely

As I mentioned in the beginning, Jer and I worked on this project together. And Jer wants me to tell you he said, “Let your wife win.”

All joking aside, it’s a give and take for both of us. Jer’s much more laid back than I am. He could care less about most things (which drives me nuts sometimes). When he does care, however, he’s become very good at making it known. In those moments, the wife rarely wins.

Learning to be direct and say what you want is important in any relationship. This is easier for some people than others. But I’ve never met anyone who is married to a mind reader. If you expect your partner to instinctively know what you want, you might also want to prepare to be disappointed.

Choosing your battles is necessary because the people we live with intimately see our very best of and our very worst. It’s easy to let that bad day at work roll into your home life. Approach these situations with empathy and remember that it’s almost always better to be kind than to be right.

This doesn’t mean avoiding conflict. Every disagreement is a learning opportunity. It’s the opportunity to be honest, even when it’s hard. The opportunity to admit when you’re wrong and be generous with forgiveness. It’s a great opportunity to leave past mistakes in the past.

4 – Take Interest

Take interest in some of your spouse’s interests. Take up your own interests. And pursue interests together.

The happiest couples have shared hobbies and also venture out on their own. Jer and I got lucky and discovered early on that we both love adventures. One of the reasons we’ve been successful with this is that we’ve both been open to trying new things.

Yet we have plenty of friends who have told us that shared interests have been more difficult for them. Here’s what I suggest.

Lead by example and take interest in one of your partner’s hobbies. Then next time you head out to enjoy an activity you love, invite them to come along. Be okay if they initially say no. You can’t expect to love ALL the same things. If they do agree and don’t enjoy it, continue to invite them here and there. It’s often the most unexpected things that grow on us. Don’t forget to explore new interests the two of you might enjoy together.

Be patient and enjoy the process. Jer and I have a lot of shared interests, but this is 15 years in the making. Focus on having fun and celebrate the small wins.

Our most recent hobby. Snowshoeing in Minnesota’s first state park.

3 – Focus Becomes Reality

What we choose to focus on becomes our reality. If we choose to focus on the negative news, our lives will become more negative. If we choose to focus on our partner’s flaws, they’ll slowly become more and more flawed.

I don’t know if you can relate to this but I tend to think that my way is THE way. I’m very organized, type A, competitive, direct, and disciplined. My husband is my perfect opposite. While I have a decade’s worth of perfect budgets, I’m elated if he gets me all of his receipts for the month.

It’s easy for me to create the perfect plan, budget, vacation, and spice rack. I could care less about having a social life. Don’t get me wrong, I love people. But I also love books, spreadsheets and sitting at home in my pajamas (or alone in the woods) indefinitely.

Jer, on the other hand, is the definition of charisma. He’s outgoing and loved by everyone. This is one of his superpowers and has been a blessing to our lives in countless ways.

Rather than focusing on the things my husband isn’t great at, I choose to focus on where he shines. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without his enthusiasm and drive to connect. He is my perfect compliment and our natural skills and abilities are an ideal fit.

If you want to learn more about your family’s strengths, I highly recommend investing in Personality Snapshots from Mama Says Namaste. Ashley is a top expert and will provide the best resources to help you understand you and your spouse like never before.

2 – Grow Together

One of the biggest complaints I hear from spouses is, “he doesn’t want to grow,” or “she doesn’t like change.” It can be frustrating when one person is growth focused and the other is comfortable where they’re at. Just like the last tip, there are benefits to both. So the best advice I can give is to be a light, not a hammer. Lead by example.

Before you start pointing your finger, invest in yourself first. Is it fair to complain about your spouse’s health when you’re not doing your best to take care of yours? Carve out time throughout your day to invest in your health, education, spirituality, and personal growth. When you let your best light shine, your significant other will follow suit if it’s the right fit for them.

Once you have a handle on your own self-care, start investing in your marriage. Invest time, money, energy, and emotion to take your marriage from good to great. Read books, attend marriage classes, go on dates, travel, and celebrate life together. This is the most important relationship you will have with another human. Be intentional about what you’re putting in.

Be supportive of your spouse’s needs and desires. Encourage them to pursue their dreams and passions. Enjoy every moment of this journey you’ve been blessed to take together.

Don’t forget to say “I love you.”

Reaching new heights together – hiking to the highest point in Minnesota.

1 – Be a United Front

First and foremost, we are Team Scherer. That means that what is right for our little family always comes first. Our marriage, household, future goals, and finances are all a team effort. All of our greatest accomplishments in life are the result of working as a team. Accomplishing these goals together has built confidence and brought us closer together.

To be the best team, you need to talk about what you want your life to look like. It’s essential to know what your family values. You don’t have to agree on everything and your dreams will likely transform over time. Still, you need to have the conversation, again and again.

You get to create a home-life that’s unique to you. You don’t have to do what your parents did. You get to make all of these decisions together.

Our home is a safe space that nurtures the needs of everyone in it. That means we say no to anything that disrupts that peace. And we always do it as a united front.

Being a united front gets easier with time. The more you work to solve problems together, the more you’ll agree. You’ll also be able to anticipate detours and prepare a response you both agree on.

Let us pursue what leads to peace and building up one another. – Romans 14:19 Click To Tweet

Relationships aren’t always easy but they bring an abundance of meaning to our lives. It’s these challenges and connections that help us grow into the very best versions of ourselves. Whether you’re married or not, I encourage you to pick one of these tips to bring into your relationships today. Whether you choose to pick your battles, take interest, shift your focus, grow, or work as a team, you’ll enjoy the rewards of more meaningful connections.

What are your best tips for creating more meaningful relationships? Share in the comments below, or start a conversation on Facebook.

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Must Watch TED Talk for People Who Hate Small Talk

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Maybe it’s because I’m an introvert. Or because the way my family of origin communicated. Perhaps it’s because I’ve spent most of my professional life coaching. It’s probably a combination of nature, nurture, and life experience; I’m not really sure. The one thing I am sure of is that I can’t stand small talk.

I have a tendency to dive right into the deep stuff. For example, I ran into a friend at the grocery store today and we covered more in 10 minutes than many people cover over the course of a year. We discussed our businesses, travel plans, the fight I had with my husband on New Year’s Day, the frustration he’s having with his spouse, negotiation strategies, the politics of the grocery business, and much more.

This isn’t just because it’s one of my best friends. I go deep with everyone. In my upcoming free audio course, (sign up to learn more) I share a story about a conversation I had with a complete stranger on a plane. Before the flight finished boarding, he had told me more about his family than his colleagues knew.

These deep and meaningful conversations are built on asking questions and listening with genuine and authentic interest.

Our western culture is lonelier and more disconnected than ever. In the TED Talk, Breaking the Habit of Small Talk, Omid Scheybani covers the benefits of skipping the small talk in lieu of deeper conversations. In his talk, he quotes a study that shows that “more meaningful conversations lead to increased levels of happiness and wellbeing.” These deeper conversations help us to find meaning in our own lives. He suggests, and I agree, that one single conversation can change the trajectory of our lives. Deeper conversations also lead to intercultural understanding and building bridges.

So how can we incorporate this into our own lives?

Start by engaging people who are paid to be nice to you: your auto mechanic, the grocery store clerk, your chiropractor, etc. It’ll make it easier to build the habit if you get a positive response. Then branch out to family and friends. They’ll likely welcome the opportunity to get to know each other better. Next, start conversations people who share common interests. I’ve had tons of interesting conversations with other cyclists and hikers throughout my travels and adventures. Once you get to this level, you’ll be ready to engage anyone!

Obviously, you’ll want to be polite. Introduce yourself and break the ice. There’s no need to continue the conversation if you get the don’t talk to me vibe. The point is to learn to have meaningful conversations instead of “predictable superficiality.” There’s no need to torture yourself.

I suggest taking these questions off the table.

  • What do you do?
  • Where are you from?
  • Do you have kids?
  • What do you think of this weather?
  • What did you think of that sports ball game last night?

Instead, select three questions and practice them. Make them your go-to conversation starters.

  • Where is the most interesting place you’ve visited? What was special about it?
  • If you could move anywhere in the world tomorrow, money not being a factor, where would you move and why?
  • What did you love doing most as a child? Do you still do it?
  • If you were a chef, what would be your signature dish?
  • Tell me about the most interesting person you’ve had a conversation with. What important lesson did you learn from them?
  • Which of your hobbies brings you the most joy?
  • Who do you most admire? What quality do you most appreciate about that person?
  • What is your favorite book of all time and why?
  • What is your favorite holiday memory?
  • What made you happiest during the last week?

Listen and learn. Share and grow. Enjoy the journey and remember … Each stranger is a friend we haven’t met yet.

Each stranger is a friend we haven’t met yet. Click To Tweet

Ready to start better conversations? Download this list of 124 questions and start building deeper connections.

What was the most interesting conversation you’ve had with a stranger? Share in the comments below or come join the conversation on Facebook.

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The Wheel of Life – Your First Step to Living Life on Purpose

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I completed the Wheel of Life self-assessment for the first time in 2011 when I was trying to figure out what was next in my life. I found the exercise in the book 48 Days to the Work You Love by Dan Miller (which I highly recommend). Since then the Wheel of Life has taken on a life of its own and is the foundation of nearly everything I write and coach about.

The first version of this post was published in 2015. A lot has changed over the last three years so I felt it was time for an overhaul. In this update, I cover the original Wheel of Life along with my simplified version. I also share key lessons to consider as you work through your own self-assessment. Be sure to click on the links throughout for more valuable resources.

To get where you're going, you need to know where you're starting. Keep reading to learn about the best tools to take you to the next stage.

BALANCE

Both my husband, Jer and I regularly do yoga to try and stay on top of this aging thing. Jer is super flexible and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to loosen up. On the other hand, I have incredible balance and Jer can barely hold a tree pose.

I find this interesting because when it comes to our personalities, I have an innate knack for balancing all of life’s forces and bringing them together in a neat little package. And, Jer could be the poster child for adaptability. Whatever life throws at him, he just flows like water and keeps growing stronger.

When it comes to balance, I’ve found that it’s easier for some of us to achieve and maintain than others. And that’s okay. If you’re someone who struggles to find balance, I’m certain that you have other strengths that make up for it. Go easy on yourself.

Before moving on, I would also like to point out that no one has it all. Throughout our lives, we’ll encounter challenges. We might lose loved ones, jobs, friends, or fall ill. So I encourage you to examine WHAT you are, not necessarily WHERE you are. For example, if you’re a health conscious person recovering from an injury, that doesn’t mean you’re no longer healthy. 

The purpose of this tool is to bring awareness to the most meaningful areas of your life. From there, you can take baby steps to live intentionally in the areas you choose to focus on. As you begin to take action in one area, you will find that the positive effects will spill over into other areas of your life.

Let’s say you set a financial goal to pay off your student loans. Not only will you improve your financial future, but your success will also touch every other area of your life. Your health will improve since eating out and happy hour won’t be part of the budget. No longer bound by golden handcuffs, your career and outlook on life will improve. With less stress about making ends meet, you and your significant other will enjoy better communication and a happier relationship.

THE WHEEL OF LIFE SELF-ASSESSMENT

The Wheel of Life is a personal development tool that I’ve traced back to Zig Ziglar. I’ve adapted the Wheel of Life to be a better reflection of today’s modern world. In this new world, our community involvement and volunteer efforts can contribute to our career fulfillment. Our social lives are often tied to hobbies and recreation. And with the advent of air travel and the internet, our relationships stretch far beyond our immediate neighborhood or small town.

As I mentioned, I completed the Wheel of Life for the first time in 2011. And I’ll be the first to admit that my results were unimpressive. I scored myself below a five in Social and Hobbies, Health and Wellness, and Spirituality. My wheel wasn’t out of balance, I had a flat tire!

More than seven years later and every category has improved. I’m not a ten in any category and I imagine that I never will be. That’s the thing about personal growth, you can keep getting better each day. As you journey through life, your wheel will have ups and downs. The goal is to strive for self-awareness; be honest, hold yourself accountable, and take action.

Click image to download and print.
Click image to download and print the Wheel of Life.

USING THE WHEEL TO ASSESS WHERE YOU ARE

In each section of the Wheel of Life, rate yourself on a scale of one to ten. One is the lowest, and ten is perfect. You can print it now and begin working as I explain each section. Or you can read about each category and complete the entire Wheel of Life after.

HEALTH AND WELLNESS

Health and wellness refer to your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Consider how you feel in your body. Do you feel whole? Are you tired, or do you feel well rested? Are you getting enough physical activity? How about water and nutrition? Do you generally feel content or are you often depressed?

On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your overall health?

SIGNIFICANT OTHER AND FAMILY LIFE

In this section, I’m talking about your significant other and immediate family. This could include a spouse, partner, children, or anyone who is a part of your daily life. Relationships with the family we live with are different than family we see only on holidays.

How satisfied are you with these relationships? Think about how you communicate, cooperate, support each other, and enjoy life together.

On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your family life?

SPIRITUALITY AND CONNECTEDNESS

Not to be confused with religion, spirituality is our sense of connectedness. It’s the connection between our mind, body, spirit, nature, the universe, God, and others. For some people, this is manifested through religious practices. Other people consider themselves spiritual, but not religious. The feeling and relationship are unique for each of us.

On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your spirituality and connectedness?

CAREER AND CONTRIBUTION

Feeling like you’re making a difference is said to be one of the greatest factors when it comes to job satisfaction. Making a contribution to this world goes beyond our day jobs. This is especially true for retirees who find fulfillment in volunteer work and community involvement.

Consider how you use your gifts, talents, and passions to serve others. How do you feel on Sunday evening before your work week begins? Are you depressed and anxious or excited for a new week to begin? What do you do on a weekly basis that makes you feel like you’re creating positive change in this world?

On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your career and contribution?

FINANCIAL FITNESS

Financial fitness stretches beyond income and encompasses how you save, spend, and give. Financial fitness also includes how you feel about and respond to money. Think about how you felt when you’ve had extra money. How do you feel when times are tight? Are your overall feelings about money positive or negative?

How does your income align with your talents, strengths, and passions? How happy are you with your ability to budget, give, and invest? Are your finances a point of tension or a source of freedom?

On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your financial fitness?

HOBBIES AND SOCIAL NETWORK

As you think about your relationships and social network, consider your overall satisfaction with the people who play important roles in your life. This might include friends, neighbors, co-workers, or extended family members. Do you have at least three people you can talk to about important life issues?

Part of creating a fulfilling life and healthy relationships can be connected to our involvement in hobbies and recreation. Think about how your hobbies, recreation, and relationships work together to bring value and satisfaction to your life. Do you have hobbies that bring you joy and give you something to look forward to? Do you have hobbies that connect you to other like-minded people? 

On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your hobbies and social network?

PERSONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

The final section of the Wheel of Life is personal growth and development. This includes the daily activities that help you grow into the best version of yourself. As long as we live, we should be learning how to live, and growing better each day.

How are you making contributions in this area through the books you’re reading, lectures you’re attending, and classes you’re enrolled in? How are you working to improve your emotional intelligence and self-confidence? Are you working to be more disciplined and accountable?

On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your personal development?

Once you complete your self-analysis for all seven sections, take a look at your Wheel of Life as a whole? Where are you excelling? Which of your qualities have helped you shine in these areas? Where do you need to focus attention? What is one small thing you can do today to begin making improvements in that area?

All it takes is one small step. Pick one thing and start.

                 

THE FOUR PILLARS TO LIVING LIFE ON PURPOSE

As I’ve refined my message over the last three years, I began to feel like the Wheel of Life was a bit overwhelming. I mean, who has time to focus on all seven areas each day? To simplify the model, I threw the wheel out the window and created the Four Pillars for Living Life of Purpose.

Create a life you truly love by learning how to focus on what matters.
Click image to download and print.

HEALTH

This pillar promotes a healthy whole life. That includes your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. When all four of these are in sync, you’ll feel whole.

Good health is the foundation for each of the other three areas. You’ll be better equipped to serve others in supportive relationships when you are serving from a full cup. You’ll have more energy to improve your earning potential and reduce your current and future healthcare costs. And when you’re well rested and have a clear mind your personal growth will jump to a new level. Learn more about how to make healthful choices in this post.

RELATIONSHIPS

Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, there are two types of relationships you’ll need to nurture. The first is your relationship with yourself. Next, you need to have at least one relationship with someone who will support you no matter how bad you screw up. This could be a spouse, family member, friend or a combination.

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. ― Jim Rohn Click To Tweet

Human beings are wired for connection and supportive relationships help boost you and your work to the next level. Living a healthy lifestyle is a cinch when it’s part of your family’s values. You can achieve your financial goals much faster when you and your spouse work as a team. We also need others to share their knowledge so we can keep growing and vice versa. You can learn how to nurture these relationships here. 

FINANCIAL

It’s difficult to make progress in the other three areas if you’re constantly worried about how you’re going to make ends meet. Unfortunately, nearly two-thirds of Americans fall into this category. According to a survey by bankrate.com, 63 percent of Americans said they would not be able to cover a $500 car repair without borrowing money. 

Just like the other elements, taking control of your finances will help you in other areas. You will improve your health by reducing stress. Your relationships will flourish when money is no longer a tension point. And you’ll be able to accelerate your personal growth by taking calculated risks.

Financial fitness comes down to one simple idea. Spend less than you make so you have the freedom to save and give. You can learn five simple steps to improve your financial fitness here.

GROWTH

Once you’re able to cover your basic health, relationship, and financial needs, it’s time to invest in your personal development. This includes your emotional intelligence, self-education, integrity, and accountability. Personal growth is an exciting lifelong journey. Each time you grow and learn something new, your potential and opportunity expand.

Personal Growth has a clear connection to the other three pillars. As you learn more about what good health, supportive relationships, and financial fitness mean, you can apply these lessons to become your best self. Learn the five keys to personal growth here.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW BEFORE YOU START

Before you dive into the world of self-improvement, let me share a few important lessons I’ve learned on my own journey. I want nothing more than for you to enjoy the process. These tips will prevent you from burning out.

Remember that choices are always more powerful than circumstances. Where you came from and where you are today have very little bearing on your future opportunity. Although you may feel stuck, you CAN change your environment, your health, and your financial situation.

YOU DESERVE TO LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE!

As babies, we instinctively know what we need and do what we can to get it. We cry when we’re hungry, wet, cold, and lonely. But on our journey to adulthood, many of us internalize a different message. I’ve heard from many people who worry that taking care of themselves will be seen as selfish. This is especially common with women and part of the reason the whole self-care movement took off in recent years. You cannot give your best to others unless you first take care of yourself.

Still questioning if you REALLY deserve it? Take a look around you. Look at the oceans, the forests, the stars, and the sunrise. The mere fact that these things exist is all the proof that I need to believe that we were put on this earth to enjoy them. Then if you consider the fact that we have eyes to see them, brains to process them, and emotions to feel them, I conclude that there’s no way we were given this life to merely survive. We’re here to enjoy, contribute and thrive.

I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God’s gift to man. – Ecclesiastes 3:12-13 (ESV) Click To Tweet

Last but not least, you are already good enough, just as you are. Pursue personal growth because you want to be better for you, not to please someone else. Enjoy personal development to improve the unique and wonderful you, not to change who you are. Your natural wiring is part of the gift you bring to this world and the people who love you. Accept and love yourself for who you are.

Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different? – C.S. Lewis Click To Tweet

             

Which of these areas for growth are most interesting to you? What tips could you share to help other readers who are on a similar journey? Share in the comments below or come say “hi” on Facebook.

                

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Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in October of 2015. It has been completely revamped for accuracy, comprehensiveness, and readability. Please enjoy and feel free to share this newly revised content.