Holly Scherer

Find Yourself Outside

Happiness

Why you need a vacation and how to disconnect while you’re there

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Are you in need of a vacation and the opportunity to disconnect and recharge? In our always connected and overly busy culture, never has there been more of a need to power down. But according to Glassdoor, two-thirds of Americans report working while on vacation. This is a problem and I have some ideas about what you can do to fix it.

This is the fourth post in my series on the importance of travel and how to make it happen. It all started when I shared three ways I’m living a more meaningful life after visiting Mexico. Then I shared some tips to save cash for your next vacation and say bon voyage to debt. My last brand new post shared 5 tips to stay motivated while you work to make your travel dreams a reality. And stayed tuned for one more post in a couple of weeks about bringing that vacation feeling home.

I’m passionate about travel because I’ve experienced firsthand how it changes you. And I believe that most of us don’t do it enough. Our internal and external expectations to always be on are causing stress, depression, and chronic illness. That’s why I decided to make it a priority again after putting travel on the back burner for a couple of years.

I’ve always felt a little guilty for taking time to disconnect and recharge. Then last summer I had an epiphany. I realized that none of this is a waste. It’s part of my journey and my story. It’s a deposit in who I become and what I create. It’s never a waste! It’s so much easier to achieve your goals if you allow yourself time and space to heal your mind, body, soul, and relationships. You can read all about it in this Instagram post.

According to a 2018 Gallup poll, only six in 10 Americans took a vacation away from home in 2017. It’s estimated that 200 MILLION vacation days are forfeited annually costing workers $66.4 BILLION in lost benefits. EVERY YEAR!

That’s assuming employees are even allowed vacation time. The US is the ONLY developed country in the world with ZERO legally required paid vacation days. I was shocked to discover that a quarter of Americans get no paid time off. The average number of paid days off for a private sector employee is 16 days. This is barely a drop in the bucket compared to Austria and Portugal which both require 22 paid vacation days and 13 paid holidays annually. That’s more than double!

I completely understand how we got here. I’ve worked for plenty of bosses who openly discouraged taking time away from work. Those bosses even more openly encouraged (or demanded) working while taking time off. Knowing the importance of disconnecting while traveling, I refused to give that up for a demanding boss. Not only did we take vacations, but we also made sure that there was no way we could work. We did this by leaving the country, booking hotels without Wi-Fi, and going into the wilderness where there were no cell towers.

“Jobs fill your pocket, but adventures fill your soul.” – Jamie Lyn Beatty Click To Tweet

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What started out of necessity has become something we choose to do and look forward to. Here are some of the ways we’ve benefitted from disconnecting while traveling.

  1. Helps uncover your inner strength and builds confidence by stepping out of your comfort zone.
  2. Challenges your beliefs and biases and makes you more empathetic.
  3. Helps you feel connected in this increasingly disconnected world by asking for help and accepting the kindness of strangers.
  4. Improves your adaptability by learning to let go of the need to control every variable and expecting predictable outcomes.
  5. Reduces stress and improves overall health.
  6. Inspires you to feel grateful for all that you have and be more generous with others.
  7. Improves your relationships by disconnecting from technology and normal routines so you can spend quality time reconnecting, working as a team, and building trust.
  8. Creates lasting memories through shared experiences and trying new things together.
  9. Improves communication skills by working together to solve problems and navigate high-stress situations.
  10. You’ll allow yourself to let go, have fun, laugh and heal.
Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends – Maya Angelou Click To Tweet

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Now that you know some of the benefits, let me help you with the how. The most common reason people tell me they don’t disconnect is fear. I believe you can tame these fears by laying the proper expectations and framework before you go. Here’s how to do that.

Recognize that most “emergencies” aren’t actually emergencies.

The last organization I worked for was very reactive which meant EVERYTHING WAS AN EMERGENCY. I’d always laugh when I came back from vacation and see all the fire drills that two weeks later had long been forgotten.

Know your why and what’s really important.

My health and my marriage come before any job. These are two of my non-negotiables. Figure out what yours are and go into your trip having them clearly defined. Check out this post if you need some guidance.

Set the expectation before you go. Be upfront about your plans. Let everyone who may need to contact you what they should expect. Tell them that you’re going into the wilderness and won’t have cell service. Ask them if there’s anything you need to address beforehand. Then ask someone to step in and address any emergencies that may arise.

Clear up any loose ends before you go.

I make sure all of my work is taken care of for up to a week after I plan to return home. It’s so much easier to relax when you don’t have work tasks to worry about.

Set up an out of office with clear language and instructions.

Say that you’re out of the office and when you’ll return their message. Share your why and use the opportunity to inspire others to do the same.

Leave your work phone and laptop at home.

You can’t file a report you don’t have access too, can you?

Choose hotels without Wi-Fi or select destinations with no wireless coverage.

I’ve already mentioned this, but if you’ll be tempted to check in, make sure you can’t. This is becoming increasingly difficult, but I still know plenty of places where you can get off the grid.

Stick to your plan and stay firm with your boundaries.

If this is new for you, know that people might try to get you to break the promise you made to yourself and your family. Figure out how you’ll hold yourself accountable before you take off.

Turn off the notifications on all your devices.

I turned off most notifications in 2012 and never looked back. I know some of you can’t do this in everyday life, but the least you could do is enjoy a vacation without constant interruptions and requests.

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If a nice long getaway isn’t an option for you right now, set a goal for future travel. Then scrape together as much time as you can for a nice staycation. Stay in a local Bed and Breakfast or plan a tropical vacation at home. Crank up the heat, power-down your phones, grab a good book, mix a tropical drink, and enjoy. Or go out and be a tourist in your own town and visit museums and restaurants you wouldn’t normally visit.

I’ve been fortunate to experience firsthand the healing and connection that accompanies disconnecting while traveling. I hope this post has inspired you to disconnect too. At the end of our lives, these will be the little things we remember most. Stop waiting and start creating memories that last a lifetime.

“A person susceptible to “wanderlust” is not so much addicted to movement as committed to transformation.” – Pico Iyer Click To Tweet

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What tips do you have for disconnecting on vacation? Share in the comments below or come give me a shout out on Facebook.

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Create vacation memories that last when you learn to linger

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Ahhhhh, the magic of travel. We spend months dreaming and planning and when our dream vacation finally arrives, it’s over in the blink of an eye. So what if I told you that you could make those memories last by learning to linger?

There are so many different ways to travel today. You could let it all go and head to an all-inclusive resort where you can sit by the pool and indulge in tropical drinks without a care in the world. You could book a tour and travel from city to city and knock out all of Europe in a little more than two weeks. Or you could get the best of both worlds by slowing down as you linger from place to place.

There’s no right or wrong way to travel. For my husband, Jeremiah, and I, we prefer to linger. As we’ve traveled together over the last decade and a half, we’ve realized that we’d rather get to know one area really well rather than just a glimpse of everything. We found that slowing down to linger has made our travel more memorable and enjoyable. Learning to see travel as an experience rather than a checklist has changed us in wonderfully unexpected ways.

Painted Eucalyptus Trees - Mile Marker 6 - Road to Hana, Maui
Painted Eucalyptus Trees – Mile Marker 6 – Road to Hana, Maui

Long before airplanes and cruise ships, travel was an epic journey. Today, however, travel agents sell packages that can take you through three countries in 10 days. While I appreciate the conveniences of modern travel and the ability to fly halfway around the world in half a day, I don’t want my trip to pass by at warp speed.

When visiting a new place, it’s tempting to try and see as much as possible. But when you are in the midst of it, you start to feel like you’re just checking things off your list. At the end of your trip, you probably feel like you desperately need a vacation.

'Ohe'o Gulch (Seven Sacred Pools), Hana, Maui
‘Ohe’o Gulch (Seven Sacred Pools), Hana, Maui

Lingering allows you to slow down and get to know the heart of the place you’re visiting. It allows you to experience the real people and culture instead of what’s marketed to tourists. When you linger, the destination will become a part of you and you’ll carry it with you wherever you go for the rest of your life.

Here are some ways learning to linger could transform your life:

Tips to Practice the Art of Lingering
Travel brings power and love back into your life. – Rumi

How we lingered on a popular Hawaiian day trip.

If you’ve been to the island of Maui, you’ve probably driven the road to Hana. Most visitors to Hana get up before dawn to drive the three-hour, 75-mile one-way trip. Along the way, they breeze through as many stops as possible to snap a selfie and get back on the road so they can return before dark.

Sitting on the Beach in Wai'anapanapa State Park
Sitting on the black sand beach in Wai’anapanapa State Park

Realizing we only had 11 hours of daylight and over six hours of drive time, we questioned whether it was even worth it. If we added in lunch and bathroom breaks, we’d only have three hours to see the sights. So I dug a little deeper and decided to extend this popular day trip from one day to three.

Rather than staying in one place on Maui, we split our time between condos on both the western and eastern side of the island. This allowed us to start and end our travel at a reasonable hour so we could enjoy the drive during daylight. We loved the lighter traffic that came with not following the crowd. We enjoyed long hikes without feeling rushed, relaxed on the beach, and even stopped for happy hour. We got to soak in the true feeling of Hana instead of rushing through.

Bamboo Forest - Pipiwai Trail to Waimoku Falls - Hana, Maui
Bamboo Forest – Pipiwai Trail to Waimoku Falls – Hana, Maui

Here are some tips to help you linger.

  • Leave at least one day per week open with no plans.
  • Experiment with a fluid itinerary. Make a list of everything you would like to see, but don’t schedule it until the night before. I like to break my list into two categories: must see and would be nice to see.
  • Plan one extra night per location. Figure out how long it will take to visit all of your must-see stops and tack on one more night. I typically stick to a minimum of three nights per location.
  • Take longer trips and extend a week to 10 days or 10 days to two weeks.
  • Maximize weekends and holidays. Leave on Friday night and return on a Sunday night. Plan trips around holidays, especially Labor Day when most people are back to work and school.
  • Make travel days painless by taking off and arriving at reasonable times. Don’t try to squeeze in too much travel per day.
  • Book vacation rentals in lieu of hotels and resorts.
  • Do your research ahead of time so you’re not wasting precious vacation time trying to figure it out.
  • Stay mindful of your budget. Lingering and low cost often go hand in hand.
  • Pack less for maximum flexibility and fun.
When you’re planning your next trip, remember that travel is more than checking places off your list. Slow down and take time to linger. You’ll be glad you did.

Once you learn to linger, don’t stop with travel. Learning to linger in our everyday lives can create clarity, reduce stress, improve health, and boost creativity. Allowing time to linger will help you transform from a human doing to a human being. So why not set aside some time to stop and linger today?

How has slowing down to linger added value to your life? Share in the comments below or come give me a shout out on Facebook.

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4 Mindset Shifts that Will Help You Live More Authentically

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We are living in one of the most exciting times in the history of our human race. Freedom, wealth, and opportunity are expanding far and wide. If there’s ever been a time to live authentically and chase your dreams, the time is now. But to make the most of this opportunity, you might first need to do some work on your mindset.

I grew up believing that there were very specific rules for creating a good life. You finish school, go to college, get a “good” corporate job, get married, have a family, retire … Then you get to spend the rest of your days doing what you love. Looking back I can see a major flaw in my former way of thinking. I was waiting until my days were numbered to start creating a life I loved.

That mindset began to change in 2010. I accepted a new position at work the previous fall that had me traveling four days a week across four states. I quickly grew tired of my usual music and talk radio. Within months, I was an audiobook and podcast addict.

While traversing Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, I stumbled upon a thought leader who challenged everything I ever believed to be true. I listened to the book, Linchpin, by Seth Godin. And for the first time, I saw things like passion, creativity, and authenticity as possibilities, not just impractical daydreams. I couldn’t un-hear this message and slowly began planting seeds for a complete mindset overhaul.

Perhaps your challenge isn't finding a better project or a better boss. Perhaps you need to get in touch with what it means to feel passionate. People with passion look for ways to make things happen. ― Seth Godin Click To Tweet

Nearly a decade later, I’m a completely different person than that compliant and complacent 30-some-year-old girl. I have transformed mentally, physically, and spiritually. My life is moving in a direction I never could have imagined and all of that boils down to mindset.

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Here are five key ways my mindset has transformed.

I Value Authenticity

I spent a good portion of my life pretending to be someone I was not. For example, one of the things that was drilled into my head was the importance of being an extrovert. Whether at home, school, or work, the message was the same. Only the assertive extroverts get ahead.

As you might predict from what I set up, I’m not a natural extrovert. So I spent most of my life making sure no one discovered my secret. One of the craziest things I did was lie on personality tests. I’m an INTJ in the Myers-Briggs assessment. But for the first 30-some years of my life, I straight up lied and tested as an ENTJ.

If you need to conceal your true nature to get in the door, understand that you'll probably have to conceal your true nature to keep that job. ― Seth Godin Click To Tweet

This might seem crazy, but the idea that I could be myself blew my ever-loving mind. And terrified me at the same time because I had no idea who that person was. That was the start of rediscovering and become my awkward and authentic self.

I Live in Gratitude

The environment I was raised in was rather negative. One of the most common phrases I heard growing up was, “Life’s a b!tch and then you die.” I heard a lot about how everyone is trying to screw you over. And I learned that if something good happened, that meant that the other shoe was about to drop. But in spite of the negativity that surrounded me, I never lost my ability to dream and hope.

Optimism is the most important human trait, because it allows us to evolve our ideas, to improve our situation, and to hope for a better tomorrow. ― Seth Godin Click To Tweet

One of the things that helped me let go of that negative mindset was starting a gratitude journal. For the last seven-plus years, I have written down what I’m most grateful for every day. My daily gratitude practice taught me that you don’t have to be grateful FOR every situation. But you can be grateful IN every situation.

We all have less than stellar days. You don’t have to be grateful that you backed your new car into a tree. But you can be grateful that the damage doesn’t need immediate attention and that you finally found your way.

I Give Generously

Instead of believing that we lived in world of abundance, I grew up with the belief that there was a fixed supply. You can learn more about the fixed pie fallacy in this post. But the premise is the belief that everything in life is a zero-sum game. If your neighbor gets a raise that means someone else is going to lose that amount.

Fortunately, I had wonderful mentors and experiences that taught me that life doesn’t work that way. Wealth creates more wealth. Generosity creates generosity. And love compounds love.

Some people are gift givers by nature. They love their tribe, or they respect their art, and so they give. Not for an ulterior motive, but because it gives them joy. ― Seth Godin Click To Tweet

I learned that the key to being truly generous is giving without expecting anything in return. Expectations lead to disappointment. Learning to give for the sake of giving leads to joy. And let’s be honest, what’s more off-putting than someone who appears to be generous and then holds it over your head for all of eternity?

I Value Change

Somewhere on my journey, I learned that if you quit or change course, you’re failing. So I stayed working for a terrible company instead of looking like a failure. I know it sounds crazy, but our subconscious beliefs can be stronger than reality.

Discomfort brings engagement and change. Discomfort means you're doing something that others were unlikely to do, because they're hiding out in the comfortable zone. ― Seth Godin Click To Tweet

Little by little I found the courage to change. As I changed, I felt more confident about where I was headed. Rather than fearing change, I began to seek it. And as the changes got bolder, my life got better.

Life is change. When you resist it, you live in fear and scarcity. When you accept it, you step into the process of evolving into your best self. You let go of the idea that happiness can only be found at the destination and enjoy the journey of becoming.

I Strive for Self-Acceptance

I’m going out on a limb and guessing that self-acceptance isn’t easy for many of us. Most of us are our own harshest critics.

The secret to being wrong isn't to avoid being wrong! The secret is being willing to be wrong. The secret is realizing that wrong isn't fatal. ― Seth Godin Click To Tweet

The funny thing is that the harder I am on myself the more I retreat into fear and not enough. I honestly can’t think of a single person who benefits when I’m stuck there, including myself. So I’m learning to truly love and accept my authentic self. And in the process, I’m letting go of a lifetime of paralyzing perfectionism.

Like most things, it’s a journey. And as with anything truly worth having, it’s worth the effort. It all begins when you decide to change your mindset.

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Four Ways to Nurture Your Mindset

1 – Focus on Learning and Growth

Growing up, I naïvely believed that when you graduate from college, you’re done learning. Linchpin inspired me to think differently.

The more I learned, the more I realized I didn’t know. The more I realized I didn’t know, the more I wanted to learn. I realized that I had always loved learning, I just mistakenly believed that it had to come from a school.

I discovered that learning doesn’t have to be formal or a big production. It can be as simple as being intentional about the media you consume. Rather than picking up your phone and browsing social media, open a book. Instead of mindlessly flipping through channels, take an online course. Turn off the usual talk radio and dive into an audiobook on your way to work. There are endless fun and entertaining ways to learn and grow.

2 – Break Out of Your Comfort Zone

Part nature, part nurture, I was an anxious little girl. I never would have imagined I’d be doing the things I’m doing today. The old me wouldn’t dream of writing the things I’m sharing in this post. Nor would I have driven around rural Mexico … at night.

But over the years I’ve come to realize that the best experiences happen once we break out of our comfort zone. I wrote some thoughts about how getting uncomfortable has changed us in an Instagram post. You can read it below.

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Have you ever noticed that the very best life has to offer is just outside your comfort zone? — @jer11scherer and I just returned from a Mexican adventure that was pretty far off the typical American tourist route. Other than two servers and a hotel receptionist, no one spoke English. The towns we visited we tiny and there was almost no information about them. The roads were rough and it was normal to come to a complete stop every dozen kilometers because there were cattle in the road. — Although we LOVE these trips and always have an amazing time, there are plenty of moments that are uncomfortable and even downright stressful. These moments are wonderful opportunities to learn and grow. They change who you are, how you see the world, and function as a team. Not to mention, they make the best stories and memories for years to come. — What’s one of your favorite memories that came from stepping outside your comfort zone? . . . #theyearofwholeheartedliving #courageclarityconfidence #loveyourwholelife #meaning #authenticity #shineon #hollygoeswild #hollyandjer #advenscherer #notallwhowanderarelost #visitmexico #jalisco #maito #cabocorrientes #celebratelife #celebratelove #domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy #travel #gypsysoul

A post shared by Holly Scherer – Writer & Coach (@hollyscherer) on

Always be open to trying something new. Live life as though it’s an exciting experiment. If it scares you (within reason), it’s probably something you should try.

3 – Learn to Trust Your Intuition

My intuition has always been strong. Listening to and trusting it … that’s another story.

It all starts by learning to stop and listen. This can be a challenge in our always-on modern society. It doesn’t really matter where you find it. The key is to identify a couple of ten-minute chunks of time with no distractions so you can stop and listen. This can simply mean turning off the radio for the last 10 minutes of your commute.

4 – Stop Worrying About What Other People Think

I originally published this post in December of 2015. Looking back, I can see that I hadn’t stopped worrying about what other people thought. I just stopped listening. Which is a good is a start.

It’s hard because I believe that part of it is hard-wired into us. But I also know that trying to make everyone else happy is guaranteed to eventually make you unhappy. I love what Brené Brown wrote on the subject in her book Daring Greatly.

“When we stop caring about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection. When we become defined by what people think, we lose our willingness to be vulnerable. If we dismiss all the criticism, we lose out on important feedback, but if we subject ourselves to the hatefulness, our spirits gets crushed. It’s a tightrope, shame resilience is the balance bar, and the safety net below is the one or two people in our lives who can help us reality-check the criticism and cynicism.”

― Brené Brown

Choose who and what you listen to wisely. And that includes yourself.

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My journey to live a more authentic, grateful, and generous life is far from over. I have to challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone, trust myself, and let go of the opinions of others each and every day. But I wouldn’t change a thing because I live with more contentment, gratitude, and joy than I ever dreamed possible. And it all started by shifting my mindset.

What mindset shift has been the most impactful in your life? Comment below or come say “hi” on Facebook.

WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT CREATING AN AUTHENTIC MINDSET?

My one word for 2019 is wholehearted. I’m documenting my journey exclusively for my email subscribers. The first Monday of each month I’ll share what I’ve learned, where I’m struggling, and actionable tips you can use. I’ll link each month’s lessons so feel free to join me any time this year. You can sign up here.

Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in December of 2015. It has been completely revamped for accuracy, comprehensiveness, and readability. Please enjoy and feel free to share this newly revised content.

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5 Ways to Build a More Meaningful Marriage

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Doesn’t it seem like our western culture is on an endless quest to find happiness? We’re always looking for the next thing that will make us happy and often end up disappointed. So instead of chasing the illusion of happiness, my husband Jer and I have shifted our attention to creating a life of meaning––meaningful work, a meaningful life, and a meaningful marriage.

Creating a meaningful life is not a one-size-fits-all formula. We all have different interests, passions, experiences, and wiring. This means that the things that are meaningful to me, might not mean anything to you. Jer and I find meaning by investing in experiences and travel. You might find meaning by building a comfortable home where you can nurture and entertain loved ones. Both are equally valuable.

A meaningful marriage will look different for all of us. For me and Jer, it looks like good health, freedom, connection, and adventure. Have you defined what a meaningful marriage would look like to you?

No matter what it looks like, the five lessons I share in this post will help you create more meaning and connection. While this article is specifically about marriage, these tips can help nurture any relationship. So whether you’re a single guy looking for the one, newlyweds enjoying your first year of marital bliss, a couple who’ve been stuck in a rut, or a busy single mom, this post is for you.

Wherever you are right now, we all start in the same place, defining what a meaningful life and relationship means to you. Before you continue, take a moment to come up with three words that make things meaningful. If you need help figuring it out, check out this post.

Whether you’re a single guy looking for the one, newlyweds enjoying your first year of bliss, a couple who’ve been stuck in a rut, or a busy single mom, this post is for you.

Jer and I celebrated 15 years of marriage and 19 years together a few days before I published this article. In anticipation of our big day, we sat down and discussed all of the lessons we’ve learned along the way. Since we’re often asked our secrets to making it work, I wanted to share our most valuable lessons with you.

Let me start by saying that it’s not always perfect. I’ve shared openly about fights we continually repeat, how we deal with disagreements about finances, and how we support each other even when we don’t agree. I value these imperfections as much as the good times. It’s in these difficult moments that we often find the most clarity and growth.

This is an important reminder for this perfectly filtered, always on, social-media-driven world we live in. Just like everyone else, our lives and marriage aren’t perfect.

That said, it’s not an act either. We grow closer each day in good times and bad. We’ve created a life and marriage that are more meaningful than we could ever have imagined. And I can honestly say that we are grateful each day. So without further ado, here are …

5 Ways to Build a More Meaningful Marriage

5 – Choose Your Battles Wisely

As I mentioned in the beginning, Jer and I worked on this project together. And Jer wants me to tell you he said, “Let your wife win.”

All joking aside, it’s a give and take for both of us. Jer’s much more laid back than I am. He could care less about most things (which drives me nuts sometimes). When he does care, however, he’s become very good at making it known. In those moments, the wife rarely wins.

Learning to be direct and say what you want is important in any relationship. This is easier for some people than others. But I’ve never met anyone who is married to a mind reader. If you expect your partner to instinctively know what you want, you might also want to prepare to be disappointed.

Choosing your battles is necessary because the people we live with intimately see our very best of and our very worst. It’s easy to let that bad day at work roll into your home life. Approach these situations with empathy and remember that it’s almost always better to be kind than to be right.

This doesn’t mean avoiding conflict. Every disagreement is a learning opportunity. It’s the opportunity to be honest, even when it’s hard. The opportunity to admit when you’re wrong and be generous with forgiveness. It’s a great opportunity to leave past mistakes in the past.

4 – Take Interest

Take interest in some of your spouse’s interests. Take up your own interests. And pursue interests together.

The happiest couples have shared hobbies and also venture out on their own. Jer and I got lucky and discovered early on that we both love adventures. One of the reasons we’ve been successful with this is that we’ve both been open to trying new things.

Yet we have plenty of friends who have told us that shared interests have been more difficult for them. Here’s what I suggest.

Lead by example and take interest in one of your partner’s hobbies. Then next time you head out to enjoy an activity you love, invite them to come along. Be okay if they initially say no. You can’t expect to love ALL the same things. If they do agree and don’t enjoy it, continue to invite them here and there. It’s often the most unexpected things that grow on us. Don’t forget to explore new interests the two of you might enjoy together.

Be patient and enjoy the process. Jer and I have a lot of shared interests, but this is 15 years in the making. Focus on having fun and celebrate the small wins.

Our most recent hobby. Snowshoeing in Minnesota’s first state park.

3 – Focus Becomes Reality

What we choose to focus on becomes our reality. If we choose to focus on the negative news, our lives will become more negative. If we choose to focus on our partner’s flaws, they’ll slowly become more and more flawed.

I don’t know if you can relate to this but I tend to think that my way is THE way. I’m very organized, type A, competitive, direct, and disciplined. My husband is my perfect opposite. While I have a decade’s worth of perfect budgets, I’m elated if he gets me all of his receipts for the month.

It’s easy for me to create the perfect plan, budget, vacation, and spice rack. I could care less about having a social life. Don’t get me wrong, I love people. But I also love books, spreadsheets and sitting at home in my pajamas (or alone in the woods) indefinitely.

Jer, on the other hand, is the definition of charisma. He’s outgoing and loved by everyone. This is one of his superpowers and has been a blessing to our lives in countless ways.

Rather than focusing on the things my husband isn’t great at, I choose to focus on where he shines. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without his enthusiasm and drive to connect. He is my perfect compliment and our natural skills and abilities are an ideal fit.

If you want to learn more about your family’s strengths, I highly recommend investing in Personality Snapshots from Mama Says Namaste. Ashley is a top expert and will provide the best resources to help you understand you and your spouse like never before.

2 – Grow Together

One of the biggest complaints I hear from spouses is, “he doesn’t want to grow,” or “she doesn’t like change.” It can be frustrating when one person is growth focused and the other is comfortable where they’re at. Just like the last tip, there are benefits to both. So the best advice I can give is to be a light, not a hammer. Lead by example.

Before you start pointing your finger, invest in yourself first. Is it fair to complain about your spouse’s health when you’re not doing your best to take care of yours? Carve out time throughout your day to invest in your health, education, spirituality, and personal growth. When you let your best light shine, your significant other will follow suit if it’s the right fit for them.

Once you have a handle on your own self-care, start investing in your marriage. Invest time, money, energy, and emotion to take your marriage from good to great. Read books, attend marriage classes, go on dates, travel, and celebrate life together. This is the most important relationship you will have with another human. Be intentional about what you’re putting in.

Be supportive of your spouse’s needs and desires. Encourage them to pursue their dreams and passions. Enjoy every moment of this journey you’ve been blessed to take together.

Don’t forget to say “I love you.”

Reaching new heights together – hiking to the highest point in Minnesota.

1 – Be a United Front

First and foremost, we are Team Scherer. That means that what is right for our little family always comes first. Our marriage, household, future goals, and finances are all a team effort. All of our greatest accomplishments in life are the result of working as a team. Accomplishing these goals together has built confidence and brought us closer together.

To be the best team, you need to talk about what you want your life to look like. It’s essential to know what your family values. You don’t have to agree on everything and your dreams will likely transform over time. Still, you need to have the conversation, again and again.

You get to create a home-life that’s unique to you. You don’t have to do what your parents did. You get to make all of these decisions together.

Our home is a safe space that nurtures the needs of everyone in it. That means we say no to anything that disrupts that peace. And we always do it as a united front.

Being a united front gets easier with time. The more you work to solve problems together, the more you’ll agree. You’ll also be able to anticipate detours and prepare a response you both agree on.

Let us pursue what leads to peace and building up one another. – Romans 14:19 Click To Tweet

Relationships aren’t always easy but they bring an abundance of meaning to our lives. It’s these challenges and connections that help us grow into the very best versions of ourselves. Whether you’re married or not, I encourage you to pick one of these tips to bring into your relationships today. Whether you choose to pick your battles, take interest, shift your focus, grow, or work as a team, you’ll enjoy the rewards of more meaningful connections.

What are your best tips for creating more meaningful relationships? Share in the comments below, or start a conversation on Facebook.

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Stop Doing These 13 Things to Dramatically Improve Your Life

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As we journey through life we learn all kinds of behaviors. Some help us grow and thrive, while others serve as coping and defense mechanisms. The key is to learn which behaviors are helpful and which are not. Then we can stop doing the things that no longer serve us and start living the life we deserve.

While preparing for this post, I came up with more than 30 things to stop doing. I distilled this list down to the 13 things that have had the most dramatic impact on my life. I hope these 13 things will help you too.

Are you doing something to sabotage your happiness that you're completely unaware of? Chances are you're doing at least one of these 13 things. Find out what they are, how to stop doing them, and start changing your life today.

                                          

1 – Stop Being So Hard on Yourself

I get it, I’m my own worst critic too. Or as Seth Godin says, the world’s worst boss.

Here’s what I learned from many years of not good enough. I’m doing the best I can and I’m already enough, just as I am. Anything above and beyond is a bonus. I’m going that extra mile for myself and not for anyone else.

That said, I still rumble with this from time to time. Especially when I put my whole self out there.

The day a released my first product for sale, and that time I shared all of my limiting beliefs, were hella emotional days for me. I got caught up in what was wrong with my work. I focused on those who didn’t like it. And by focusing on the wrong things, I lost sight of the value my work was providing for others.

When my husband makes a mistake, I forgive him and forget about it within a day or two. Yet I sometimes have a hard time letting go of mistakes I made 20 years ago. So my goal is to learn to treat myself the same way I treat the people I love most.

Don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to your loved ones. You’re doing the best you can and that’s more than enough.

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine. – Ralph Waldo Emerson Click To Tweet

                                           

2 – Stop Putting Your Health at the Bottom of Your List of Priorities

Recent data suggests that how you treat your body today determines the type of shape you’ll be in 50 years from now. With the information and technology we currently have, it’s likely that most people reading this today will be here in 50 years. We have a lot of years to work and make money. But we only get one chance to take care of our health today.

Say no to mandatory overtime so you can focus on getting enough rest. Stop overscheduling activities for your kids so you can eat healthy meals as a family. Quit saying yes to every request from your church, extended family, or child’s classroom so that you can take time to move your body and center your mind.

Anyone who has ever had a serious illness will tell you that “health is the greatest wealth,” Please don’t wait until it’s too late. If you’re still alive and reading this today, know that you’re not too old and it’s not too late.

Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live. – Jim Rohn Click To Tweet

                                

3 – Stop Spending Money You Don’t Have on Things You Don’t Care About

Study after study suggests that Americans could do better financially. Nearly 80 percent of American workers say that they’re living paycheck to paycheck. And it’s not just low-income households. Almost 60 percent of those surveyed who are making six-figures said that they’re in the red. 

Why have we accepted this as the new normal?

While every story about how we got here is different, the solution is the same. We need to start spending less than we make and start digging ourselves out. And while we’re at it, it’s a great time to start thinking of ways to increase our income.

My husband, Jer, and I are no different than anyone else. We weren’t born into wealthy families and we learned that the way to buy expensive things, like cars, is to borrow money. But in our 30s we realized that we didn’t want to live like that anymore. So we started our journey to financial freedom and by age 37 were completely debt free.

During that time we drastically cut our spending. In 2013 we spent $455 on clothes and shoes for both of us. This is what we learned. There’s absolutely nothing we could have spent money on that makes us feel the way financial freedom feels. It was worth every sacrifice.

All these years later we only spend money on things that bring us joy. We pay ourselves first and never spend our hard earned money trying to impress others. I wear my Target and Costco wardrobe with pride.

Each year, more and more storage units are built to accommodate all the stuff we already have. A growing percentage of households can’t park their cars in their garages because they’re so full of stuff. Most of us don’t need more stuff but almost all of us could use bigger savings accounts.

Americanism is using money you haven’t earned to buy things you don’t need to impress people you don’t like. – Robert Quillen, American Humorist Click To Tweet

                                                       

4 – Stop Blaming and Making Excuses

Excuse making is easy to spot in someone else, but more difficult to identify in ourselves. Look for phrases like I can’t or I’m not. In almost all of these situations, you probably could. You’re just choosing not to.

Blame and excuse making are similar creatures. Blame is playing offense and excuses are on defense. Both are avoiding accountability.

Consider the phrase, I can’t afford this. I used to say it all the time. It’s a total cop-out and a mindset that will keep you broke. Changing that phrase to, I’m choosing not to spend money on this, puts you back in control. 

Stop blaming your kids, husband, co-workers, and the president when things don’t work out. Start taking responsibility for everything. When you hold yourself accountable your life will start to change.

Until a person can say deeply and honestly, ‘I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday,’ that person cannot say, ‘I choose otherwise.’ – Stephen Covey Click To Tweet

                                                             

5 – Stop Taking Things Personally

This has been a hard thing for me to learn. When someone makes a passive-aggressive remark about the gift I just gave them or comments on the size of my thighs, it’s difficult to not feel hurt and annoyed. But over the years I’ve learned that it’s not about me. It’s about how that person’s perception of me makes them feel about themselves.

What other people say about you is a projection of their own fears and dreams. So why would you take it personally and let it ruin your day? Give yourself the gift of acknowledging that it’s not about you and let it go.

But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself. There is no way I can take this personally. — Don Miguel Ruiz Click To Tweet

                                 

6 – Stop Pretending to be Positive All the Time

Raise your hand if you were taught that there is only one answer when asked the question, how are you? Do you know what that one answer is? It’s good! Even if you’re not good, you say good anyway.

The truth is that we all go through periods in our lives that are really hard. It’s part of being human and it’s okay to say, “This really sucks.” I know I like to say, “We don’t have to be grateful for everything, but we can be grateful in all things.” I’m not contradicting myself.

It’s possible to say things are kinda sucky right now and still live in gratitude.

Ignoring your anger, hurt, disappointment, and sadness, won’t make it go away. It’ll just sit there and fester until one day you explode.

I also believe that discontentment is a great teacher. If things aren’t going well in your marriage or career, your feelings need to be heard. They’re trying to tell you something.

Here’s another thing to remember. Pain and struggle don’t accrue points. Your sister’s cancer doesn’t get more suck points than your friend’s divorce, or ever that promotion you didn’t get. Pain is pain. We’ll all encounter different challenges throughout our lives and it’s not up to us to judge which deserve compassion.

Feel what you feel. Complain about it to a good friend. Just don’t let it consume you.

When we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity, we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. — Susan David Click To Tweet

                                                     

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7 – Stop Saying Yes to Things That Don’t Empower You

For some of you, this translates to—Stop saying yes to everything!

When you say yes to everything, who are you saying no to? That’s right, you’re saying no to yourself. How do you feel physically and emotionally when you’re constantly saying no to yourself?

Stop trying to make everyone else happy. However wonderful that would be, it’s impossible. The only person who can make someone happy is themselves.

Next, stop wasting your life on things that aren’t important to you. This could mean that nightly scroll through Facebook, commitments that don’t fall into your zone of genius, or relationships that cause more pain than joy.

Saying no is hard but not as hard as feeling resentment and regret. If something is no longer helping you live a positive life, gracefully say no.

Saying ‘No’ does not always show a lack of generosity and saying ‘Yes’ is not always a virtue. – Paulo Coelho Click To Tweet

                                                     

8 – Stop Glorifying Busy

Stop rushing from commitment to commitment. If you go through each day feeling like you’re always behind, you’re overscheduled.

This rushing and unnecessary stress, is literally making us sick. And who is it for? When I lived that lifestyle, it wasn’t for me. It was to appease everyone else’s expectations but my own—See number 7.

When will you give yourself permission to slow down and enjoy the journey?

Your worth is not tied to your productivity and accomplishments. As a (sort of) recovering perfectionist, this has been a hard thing for me to learn. But the truth is that I’m already good enough.

You’re already good enough too. Your accomplishments are icing on the cake. They’re for you to enjoy. Not to be used to prove your worth to someone else. (Yes, I already said this. I’m repeating it on purpose.)

Don’t take it from me. A friend of mine who beat breast cancer continually mentions that she refuses to rush around like she used to. She consistently says no to being overscheduled and over-busy.

The next time you find yourself in a rush, ask yourself if what you’re rushing to do is filling your cup or draining it? Create a habit of finding stillness each day and declare that busy is no longer a badge of honor.

If you win the rat race, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin Click To Tweet

                                             

9 – Stop Staring at Your Phone All Day

Why is it that we’re more connected than ever before, yet 50 percent of Americans report feeling lonely? Loneliness is said to be more deadly than smoking and obesity. Maybe these headlines are exaggerated but it doesn’t take an expert to see the effects loneliness is having on our culture.

We are longing to connect, to feel heard, and to feel like we matter. We’re fooling ourselves if we think that we’re getting that from our screens.

I understand that it’s a challenge. I’ve become dependent on my phone just like everyone else. I’m almost embarrassed to admit how much I paid to fix the charging port that quit working on my iPhone while we were visiting Hawaii.  My phone has become my everything: my watch, alarm clock, calendar, notebook, navigation system, camera, and entertainment.

There’s also a dark side to these devices. Like picking up my phone when I feel bored or alone. Or grabbing it to check something and half an hour later, I find myself scrolling through Instagram and can’t remember why I picked it up in the first place.

All of this scrolling isn’t just wasting time. A new study from the University of Pennsylvania shows a causal link between the time spent on social media and depression. Like most studies from university psychology departments, the participants were students. But that doesn’t mean us older folk are immune. I’ve taken several extended breaks from social media when I realized that it wasn’t making me feel good. And to this day I have safeguards in place so that my newsfeed doesn’t negatively affect my life.

What can we do to change this?

Take time to disconnect. When Jer and I travel, our phones spend most of the time in airplane mode. I also like to schedule one screen free day each week when we spend time doing things together like hiking, biking, or adventures that don’t involve a screen. At home, I try to keep my phone in a different room so I’m not tempted to pick it up.

I turned off all notifications on my phone more than six years ago. I found that it was impossible to get any work done when I was constantly bombarded with alerts. There’s no email important enough to interrupt a meeting or put my life at risk while driving.

And for goodness sakes, when you’re out with friends, put your damn phone away. Turn it off, put it in your purse, or lock it in your car’s glove box. That face to face connection is more valuable than anything you could get from staring at your screen.

Your kids must love the iPad? I asked Steve Jobs. “They haven’t used it,” he told me. “We limit how much technology our kids use at home.” ― Nick Bilton, NY Times, Sept. 10, 2014 Click To Tweet

                                  

10 – Stop Worrying About What Other People Think

This is a biggie for a lot of people. I think the reason that it’s so hard to stop doing is that our survival depended on what people thought of us for much of our human existence. But as our world and communities have expanded, this has become a mostly unnecessary worry.

When I’m feeling exceptionally frustrated with my success and productivity, it’s because I’m worried about what other people think. If I take a step back and look at how I feel about where I am and how far I’ve come, I usually feel content and sometimes proud. But as soon as I start assuming that someone is judging my progress, I slip into a dark place.

This would be a good time to remind you to stop comparing yourself to others. No two people have the exact same wiring, experiences, or upbringing. So why do we compare ourselves to the incomparable? And other than a spouse or a really close friend, how much do we really know about that someone else’s story?

Stop trying to accommodate what you perceive as the expectations of others and write your own definition of success. If your dream is to maintain the trails in our National Parks, go do that. Don’t go to law school because that’s what your family expects of you.

Stop pretending to be someone you’re not. Stop striving to become who you think you’re “supposed to” be. When you stop trying, all of the right pieces will start falling into place. You’ll start working toward the right career path. You’ll find yourself surrounded by the right friends. And you’ll find joy in new hobbies you never previously considered.

Stop your obsession with what everyone else will think and start creating a life that’s authentic to you.

You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do! — Olin Miller Click To Tweet

                                                                  

11 – Stop Living in Fear and Scarcity

So many of the problems in our world today are because so many of us have been conditioned to live in a state of fear and scarcity. Politicians, the media, and advertisers have built their entire platforms on fear and scarcity. Just take a look at your Facebook feed or political ads.

But like I shared in number 4, everything is a choice. You can choose to not play along. You can choose to change the way you think and what you believe.

Earlier this year I wrote a post about the fixed pie fallacy. The post was about building wealth, but the idea can be applied to everything in our lives.

If my neighbor has a million dollars, that doesn’t mean that there’s $1 million dollars less to go around. If I listen to a friend with compassion, that doesn’t mean I have less compassion for my next friend. Pruning my apple tree that doesn’t mean I’ll have fewer apples, it means I’ll have better ones.

Stop focusing on what you don’t have. Let go of the fear of how badly things could go. We all have a limited number of days in this life, don’t waste one more moment worrying about people and stories that don’t empower you. Focus instead on gratitude for all that you already have and set your sights on where you want to go.

Empathy is not finite, and compassion is not a pizza with eight slices. When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around. There’s more. – Brene Brown Click To Tweet

                      

12 – Stop Putting So Much Focus on Yourself

Earlier this year, Jer and I were enjoying a nice long beach day on the Big Island of Hawaii. I was reading the book Give and Take by Adam Grant and noticed that the guy next to me was reading the same book.

Later that day his in-laws asked him about the book. The mother-in-law asked, “What did you learn? That the only way to get ahead in life is to take?” He tried to respond and tell them what he was learning when the father-in-law interrupted and said, “Yeah right, we all know that everyone takes advantage of those people.”

I’m afraid that this misconception is all too common in our culture. I was raised with the mentality that no one’s going to help you out. If you want something, you better take it or someone else will. (If you read number 11, you know that I no longer believe this.) I now believe that the only way to get ahead is to give and to do it without expecting anything in return.

My husband always tells the younger guys, “If you want a raise, you have to do more than is expected of you. Why would anyone increase your pay if you keep producing the same results?” I’ve got to say that this has worked out well for everyone who’s listened. And not so well for those who didn’t.

Here’s one of many studies from the book Give and Take. “Economist Arthur Brooks tested the relationship between income and charitable giving. Using data from almost thirty thousand Americans in the year 2000, he controlled for every factor imaginable that would affect income and giving. He adjusted for education, age, race, religious involvement, political beliefs, and marital status. As expected, higher income led to higher giving. For every $1 in extra income, charitable giving went up by $0.14. But something much more interesting happened. For every $1 in extra charitable giving, income was $3.75 higher. Giving actually seemed to make people richer. For example, imagine that you and I are both earning $60,000 a year. I give $1,600 to charity; you give $2,500 to charity. Although you gave away $900 more than I did, according to the evidence, you’ll be on track to earn $3,375 more than I will in the coming year.”

Instead of asking what can I get, you might be better off asking, what can I give?

You can have everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want. ― Zig Ziglar Click To Tweet

                                                                     

13 – Stop Waiting

Stop waiting until you’re ready. Stop waiting until you’ve figured it all out. Stop waiting until you fully understand what you’ve been called to do.

You’ll never be ready. You’ll never have it all figured out. And as you step into what you feel called to do, it will change and take on a life of its own.

Stop waiting for someday or for the kids to graduate. Stop waiting for retirement. Those days will come and go and there will be something else to stop you.

Stop procrastinating on the things that are most important to you by doing things that are not. If you found out that you had two weeks to live, would you regret those things you didn’t do today?

Put a date on it. Step into your fear. And start now.

Quit waiting for someone to give you permission and pick yourself. It doesn’t mean you have to be an entrepreneur…it does mean you stand up and say, “I know how to do something. If you want me to do it with you, raise your hand.” ―… Click To Tweet

            

And there you have it. What started as a list of more than 30 things to stop doing has been distilled down to the 13 that have had the most significant impact on my life. Don’t let the fact that there are 13 overwhelm you. I’ve been working on this list for a decade and have a lot more work to do. Give yourself permission to start small. Pick one thing and start today.

Which of these 13 lessons has helped you create positive change in your life? What tips could help others incorporate the lesson into their lives? Share in the comments or come say “hi” on Facebook.

                                                                 

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Are you doing something to sabotage your happiness that you're completely unaware of? Chances are you're doing at least one of these 13 things. Find out what they are, how to stop doing them, and start changing your life today.
Are you doing something to sabotage your happiness that you're completely unaware of? Chances are you're doing at least one of these 13 things. Find out what they are, how to stop doing them, and start changing your life today.
Are you doing something to sabotage your happiness that you're completely unaware of? Chances are you're doing at least one of these 13 things. Find out what they are, how to stop doing them, and start changing your life today.

How to Change Your Limiting Beliefs and Start Living the Life You Deserve

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I wish someone would have told me about limiting beliefs when I was in kindergarten. The first 40 years of my life would have been a lot easier had I known that there were invisible thoughts interfering with my potential for happiness.

As I continued to fall short on my dreams and goals, I started to sense that something wasn’t right. Frustrated with my lack of progress, I bought the book, The Big Leap, for myself on my 40th birthday. I devoured the book in a few days and felt relieved that I finally understood what was holding me back. But I also felt overwhelmed because I had no idea how to fix it.

To be honest, it’s something I’m working on to this day. Still, I’m impressed with how far I’ve come. Especially considering how long I carried some of those stories around.

My hope is that by sharing my story, you’ll become aware of your own limiting beliefs. I’ll show you how to lean into them and start living the life you deserve. The life you’ve been capable of all along.

My hope is that by sharing my story, you’ll become aware of your own limiting beliefs. Then I’ll tell you how you can lean into them and start living the life you deserve.

                                                                                                             

THE BREAKDOWN

Want to know a secret? I really didn’t want to write this post. I’ve shared some of this with my email subscribers. But the thought of sharing my struggle publicly caused gut-wrenching anxiety.

I thought about rescheduling this post and rationalized it by telling myself that I’d be further along and have better advice later. But there was another voice inside me. It said, “If it scares you, you need to do it now.”

“If it scares you, you need to do it now.” Click To Tweet

              

My relationship with limiting beliefs got really interesting when I started #hollygoeswild, a (mostly) solo tour to visit every state park in Minnesota.

On night number ten, I was reflecting on the amazing day I just had. In an instant, those feelings of gratitude were overtaken by heartbreaking guilt. It bothered me immensely that I was feeling that way. So I spent the next few days trying to decipher what was going on.

It turns out that it wasn’t guilt I was feeling. It was shame.

I first learned the difference between guilt and shame while reading Brené Brown’s book Daring Greatly. Guilt is about our actions, whereas shame focuses on our character. Guilt says, “That was a stupid thing to do.” Shame says, “I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I’m such an idiot.”

I discovered that I wasn’t feeling bad about the great day I just had. I felt bad about me having a great day. There was a voice inside of me telling me that I didn’t deserve it.

This was an incredibly unpleasant and uncomfortable thing to unpack. But I’m so grateful I did. This was the first step to uncovering my other limiting beliefs. Each day I get closer and closer to living the life I deserve.

                                                                                                            

LIMITING BELIEFS ARE SENSELESS

Limiting beliefs rarely make sense. What’s more is that my limiting beliefs are things I don’t consciously believe.

Earlier this year I recognized that I had deeply buried limiting beliefs about money. I have always been able to manage and save money. But I never came close to my earning potential. I didn’t believe that I was the type of person who could earn a high income.

In an effort to work through these limiting beliefs, I wrote down every negative thought I’ve ever had or heard about money. As I read through everything I wrote, I realized that I didn’t actually believe any of them. But there they were, playing on repeat in the back of my mind and preventing me from earning what I was worth.

                                        

Where do they come from?

You might be wondering where limiting beliefs come from. We can pick up on limiting beliefs at any point in our lives. We can learn them anywhere and from anyone.

Most of the limiting beliefs I’ve uncovered were formed early in my life and then reinforced throughout. I think these beliefs are usually passed on to us unintentionally. And sometimes with good intentions.

When I was growing up, it wasn’t uncommon to hear wealthy women referred to as “rich b*tches”. I’m sure this wasn’t meant to create a negative connection between women and money. Furthermore, I never consciously believed that money made women mean. But subconsciously, I was trying to make sure I didn’t become a “rich b*tch.”

                                           

We’ve All Been There

While shopping at Costco the other day, I kept crossing paths with a woman and her two granddaughters. I heard enough of the conversation to tell that she truly meant well. I believe without a doubt that she was doing the best she could to help her granddaughters grow into fine young ladies.

The last time I ran into her, I heard her say, “You’re not listening to me. Gosh, you’re really annoying.” It felt as though my heart stopped for a second. I felt so bad for this little girl who was being told she wasn’t good enough by someone she looked up to.

I hate to admit that I’m just as guilty. Sometimes I catch myself saying spiteful things to my husband when I feel irritated. I’m getting better at catching myself. I apologize immediately and explain that I didn’t mean it. I also try to list all of the good things about his trait I just attacked. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt him.

As you work to identify where your own limiting beliefs came from, pay attention to your words and how you say them. Lead by example and be the change you wish to see.

       

No More Excuses

No matter where these limiting beliefs came from, it’s up to us to take accountability for them. The teacher who told you that you’d never be good at math isn’t going to come and fix your failed career. The bully who teased you and called you fat isn’t going to show up and help you improve your health. It’s up to you. 

Leave what’s in the past in the past and focus your efforts on a better tomorrow.

                                                                                                              

NOW WHAT?

Start by being extra gentle with yourself. Unpacking limiting beliefs can be difficult. Don’t be afraid to get professional help if you feel overwhelmed.

Continue to remind yourself that it’s a journey. I doubt that I’ll ever completely rid myself of limiting beliefs. I’ve consulted people who are much further on their journey and they all admit that they still face them sometimes. But from what I’ve experienced thus far, it gets easier and it’s worth the effort.

                         

#1 – NAME THE BELIEF THAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK

Here’s another limiting belief I shared with my email subscribers last year.

Somewhere on my journey, I learned to believe that I’m unlikeable. I often turned down invitations because I believed that once people got to know me, they wouldn’t like me. So I figured, why waste my time?

When I recognized that I was doing this, I felt terrible. I could clearly see that I was coming off as disinterested in these kind-hearted people who were reaching out to me. As I thought more about what I was doing, I realized that I felt like I wasn’t good enough for those people. Not Good Enough was my limiting belief.

                          

#2 – DEBUNK THAT LIE

In this step, I focus on my conscious and rational thoughts. In this example, I break down the truth about the limiting belief that I’m unlikable and not good enough.

1 – People were reaching out to me. I wasn’t chasing them down, begging them to hang out with me. 

2 – People don’t invite you to hang out unless they want to get to know you better. 

3 – There are people who’ve stood by me for decades and believe that I’m good enough: my grandmother, husband, and wonderful friends. What made these prospective friends different than the people who already liked me just as I was? Nothing. 

4 – Not everyone gets along and that’s okay. Sometimes our beliefs, values, and lifestyle are so dissimilar that it’s okay to go our separate ways.

                                     

#3 – BABY STEP Your Way OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE

Do one thing every day that scares you. – Eleanor Roosevelt Click To Tweet

This quote is so popular that it might seem cliché, but it’s really great advice. The best way to work through your limiting beliefs is to lean into them. Take one tiny step each and every day.

To move past my belief that I was unlikeable and not good enough, I began accepting most invitations that came my way. I even started my own meetup and began helping others connect. Everything started to change after I took that first tiny step.

Leaving your comfort zone is hard. Staying broke is hard. Pick your hard. – Grant Cardone Click To Tweet

                                 

#4 – AFFIRM Yourself

Thanks to Stuart Smalley, affirmations can seem cheesy.

But not even Stuart Smalley himself could stop me from writing daily affirmations in my journal. I’ve been at it for almost a year and I keep doing it because they work. When I’m stuck, writing “I am” statements helps reinforce the liberating truth.

I am kind. I am compassionate. I am likable. I am worthy of love and belonging.

Not sure where to begin with affirmations? Download an app or check out my Affirmations board on Pinterest.

                                 

#5 – KEEP MOVING FORWARD

Facing your limiting beliefs isn’t a one and done kind of thing. It’s something many of us deal with for most of our lives. As you lean into them, you’ll grow stronger. As you grow stronger, you’ll feel more confident. As you feel more confident, it will become easier.

Day by day you’ll grow more content, confident, and hopeful. As long as you keep taking tiny steps forward.

Facing my limiting beliefs wasn’t always fun. It was scary, painful, and hard at times. Sharing the details publicly was even more terrifying. But I had no other option. I could either shove them back down and keep repeating the same negative behavior patterns. Or I bring them to the surface, lean into them, and grow a little stronger each day.

I’m glad I chose the latter. I hope you feel inspired to do the same.

What has helped you move past limiting beliefs? Share in the comments below or join the conversation on Facebook.

                                                      

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