Holly Scherer

Find Yourself Outside

Growth

When good things end — Tips to help you cope

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We’ve all been there. At some point in our lives, something we held dear came to an end. Whether it’s a relationship, job, or experience; letting go is never easy. Several years ago I realized something that’s made it easier to cope with endings. Keep reading to learn more.

I initially published this article in September of 2016 after a difficult ending to a two-week camping adventure. Since then, I’ve experienced even more endings. Vacations, time with friends, and countless summers have all come to a predictable, yet abruptly sad ending.

In more recent times, we’ve experienced a decade ending. I referred to this as the end of an era—I was clearly unaware of what I was eluding to. 2020 started off strong. My husband, Jer, and I started the year at our annual year-end retreat in the Northwoods. We enjoyed a relatively mild winter with lots of time outdoors. We even managed to squeeze in an extended cross country road trip before life as we knew it came to an end.

It seemed to happen overnight. Schools, workplaces, and restaurants all closed down. Unless you were deemed an essential business, you were told to stay home to slow the spread of covid-19. While these efforts seem to have slowed the spread of the virus, there were other unintended consequences.

Unemployment shot through the roof. People lost jobs, incomes, and childcare. With no social outlets, loneliness surged; as did suicides, opioid addiction, and domestic violence. And then, of course, there were the heartbreaking deaths associated with the virus.

In what seemed like a blink of an eye, life as we knew it came to an end for nearly everyone on earth.

There’s Hope

As bad as I made the last few months sound, I’m filled with a great deal of hope. As a country, we weren’t all that happy before this went down. Many of us were deeply in debt, overworked, over-busy, and less than hopeful about the future.

Once we settled into this new normal, I heard over and over how happy people were to be able to slow down, find balance, and spend more time with their family. For many families, it was a much-needed reset.

I’d be amiss to not mention how deeply sad I am that it had to go down this way. I’d love to live in a world where there is no illness and death. I’d love to live in a world where it’s easier to change when we’re feeling unhappy. While we can’t go back and change the past and events that led up to this, we can change how we respond and move forward.

When we’re ten years past this, I imagine most people will have moved on and will have forgotten this time in history. I imagine that many people are ready to get back to the way things were as soon as they’re able. But I also believe that there’s a good portion of people whose lives will be forever changed. I also believe that these people will cause a ripple effect with the change we’ve all been longing for.

Everything Ends

We just need to look to nature to see the truth. Everything ends. Every tree in the forest eventually topples over. Every season ends, every leaf drops, every star burns out. What we often fail to see is that this isn’t only the end, but also a new beginning. When the tree topples to the forest floor, it becomes a beautiful new home to fungus, flowers, and butterflies.

I believe the same is true when things end in our own lives. The truth is those good things must end to make room for better things to come.

The truth is those good things must end to make room for better things to come. Click To Tweet

I realized this truth when I first wrote this post four years ago. We had just finished a two-week camping trip in the Superior National Forest and on Lake Superior’s North Shore. This is a special place for a place for Jer and I. It’s a place we discovered together and it feels like home; perhaps more so than our actual home. I miss it when I’m not there and feel heartbroken when I leave.

As we broke down camp that trip, I was overcome with sadness. I couldn’t bear to leave that beautiful place. That overwhelming sadness confused me. I enjoyed my everyday life and was incredibly grateful for all that we’ve experienced. I wondered; was I not grateful enough? How could I feel so sad?

Then it hit me. There’s so much more that we want to see and do beyond that amazing place. The next adventure can’t begin until this one comes to an end. I thought about all of the things in my life that ended and the possibilities they made room for. Even though I still felt sad, I was also hopeful.

On our somber drive down the majestic shoreline, we happened upon a newly reopened black beach we had never visited before. It was an unforgettable experience for us both. And an experience we wouldn’t have had if our most recent adventure had not ended.

Looking back from four years in the future, I see how many more wonderful things that ending made room for. I went on my first solo camping trip. I ventured out for my first solo road trip. I visited every state park in Minnesota. We went on an epic three-week tour of the big island of Hawaii. We toured coastal towns and mountain villages in rural Mexico. We took an amazing cross country road trip to connect with friends. And stand up paddle boarded in the Atlantic Ocean.

And yes, all of those endings were hard too. But it’s easier now that I know the truth. That every ending makes way for new beginnings.

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And with this post, our time in Mexico comes to an end. It’s kind of sad when good things come to an end. But what if it’s not really the end, but the beginning of a new adventure? . When we flew home from our Hawaiian wedding 15 years ago, I was heart broken. I wanted to stay there forever. It feels like home because that’s where we became #hollyandjer. But looking back I can see that ending that adventure made way for so many more. Each time we became a little more brave and our adventures get better each time. . I really didn’t want to leave 82 degree Mexico to go back to 32 degree Minnesota. But I knew that in doing so, the next adventure could start to take shape. It’s not the end but a new beginning. . What helps you when good things come to an end? . . . #newbeginnings #dawn #newday #newadventures #happyendings #loveyourwholelife #notallwhowanderarelost #theroadlesstraveled #travel #gypsysoul #visitmexico #jalisco #puertovallarta #conchaschinas #journal

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The next time you’re faced with a good thing ending, “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” Dream about the new adventures that are waiting to begin. Be willing to let go of a good thing to make room for something great. Take risks, take action, and venture into the unknown.

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” - Dr. Seuss

Tell me about a time something wonderful ended to make room for something better? Share in the comments below or come say “hi” on Facebook.

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Whether it’s a relationship, a job, or an experience, letting good things end is never easy.
On your journey to freedom, sometimes you must let go of a good thing to make room for something great.

How to use journaling as a form of self-care

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I thought twice about using the word self-care in this update. The concept of self-care has been watered down to be synonymous with bubble baths, white wine, and chocolate cake.

For some, self-care serves as a self-issued permission slip to engage in unhealthy behaviors. With this permission, we can consume as much chocolate and wine as we want, so long as we call it self-care. There’s nothing wrong with chocolate and wine of course. The issue is when we use these substances to numb rather than engage in healthier behaviors that improve our lives long term.

Real self-care isn’t something that will make your problems go away for a few hours. It’s something that will make your life better today AND five years from now. Self-care can look like creating a budget or following up on a job interview. It’s turning off Netflix and getting outside to hike with a friend. Self-care can also look like a daily journaling and meditation practice.

Self-care is the daily habit of building a life you don’t need to escape from. Click To Tweet

Bubble baths are nice and all, but real self-care means getting your life to a point where you don’t have to drown your daily life in bubbles and wine. It’s having energy and peace of mind so that you’re not dependent on coffee to get through the day and bourbon to get through the night. It means being proactive with your finances so you don’t go into debt when your car needs new tires or your AC goes out. Real self-care is learning to say no, setting boundaries, and investing in relationships that lift you up as opposed to tear you down. It means embracing personal development activities that nurture your mind, body, and spirit. Real self-care is the daily habit of building a life you don’t need to escape from.

What is self-care?

There’s no one size fits all formula for self-care. We all have different wiring, perspectives, lifestyles, and priorities. For example, almost all of my hobbies are physical activities: camping, canoeing, kayaking, hiking, biking, snowshoeing, and more. Because of this, I spend more time on physical forms of self-care. I wouldn’t expect most people to invest as much time into their daily fitness routine.

Not to mention that we’re all at different places on our journey in terms of free time and flexibility. I wouldn’t expect a mom of seven to invest the same amount of time into caring for her needs as I do. That’s not to say she shouldn’t carve out some time. She’ll be able to better serve her family when she takes better care of herself. That might simply look like getting up 30 minutes earlier to read and enjoy her coffee.

Before you dive headfirst into a new self-care practice, think about why you’re doing it. What are you looking to gain? What’s the goal?

I’ve experienced first-hand how I can do better when I feel better. I didn’t grow up with the healthiest habits. As I slowly changed my lifestyle, I noticed that I was also becoming a better wife, friend, coach, and consultant.

Additionally, quality of life is important to me. I want to be able to do all the things I enjoy today when I’m 103, That’s why I take living a healthy lifestyle so seriously.

Part of that healthy lifestyle is my emotional health. As I slowly heal my inner world, I’m learning how to love my spouse, myself, and my friends a whole lot better. And I’m starting to see that self-love is a necessary piece to healing this broken world. Journaling has played an important role in this process.

When creating your self-care routine, you’ll also want to consider how you’ll schedule it into your day. Remember, this isn’t the one and done ice cream and wine after a bad day style of self-care. These are consistent daily habits that help keep you grounded today while creating a better future. Consistency and simplicity are key.

I like to bookend my day with self-care. My day starts with a morning routine that you can read about here. When I’m consistent—I’m admittedly weaker at night—I end my day with reading and meditation. I use physical activity to break up the day: to either spend time with my spouse, reset when I feel stuck, or boost my energy when I feel drained.

Before we move on, think about what you want your self-care practice to look like. Why it’s important to you. And how you’ll fit it into your busy life.

Journaling for Self-Care

We’ve all heard the benefits of journaling. But let’s be honest, there are so many things that are supposed to be good for you, and so little time. It’s hard to know which self-care practices are worth making time for.

I started my formal journaling practice on March first, 2018 after returning from a long-awaited Hawaiian adventure. I had a case of the post-vacation blues and couldn’t take one more week of the never-ending winter that crescendoed with a mid-April blizzard. I’d tried to journal in the past but never stuck with it. But I was desperate so I decided to commit to just 30 days.

As I write this, I just started my eleventh journal. Needless to say, it’s been helpful in so many ways. It helps me get the worry, clutter, and negative thoughts out of my mind and on the page so I can go on with the rest of my day. Journaling has encouraged me to tear open and heal wounds that I’ve been shoving down and ignoring for close to 40 years. It’s brought clarity to my life, business, and relationships. It’s been a wonderful way to brainstorm, plan, and make the swirling thoughts in my head make sense.

When I write my thoughts, they often take the shape of a story. There’s an intro, a struggle, the journey, a resolution, and an end. But when I’m ruminating and stuck in my head I usually get caught in the struggle. Journaling helps me inspect my problems from a different perspective. Writing allows me to bring out things that I’m unlikely to share with someone one on one.

If you’re going to start journaling, be sure to approach it the right way. I recently read the book, Insight, by Tasha Eurich and was shocked to discover that much of what we have come to believe about journaling is wrong. For example, when people write extensively about positive life events, they show “less personal growth, self-acceptance, and well-being.”

According to Eurich, we can get more from journaling when we “explore the negative [through expressive writing] and [don’t] overthink the positive.” She goes on to share a study by Psychologist James Pennebaker. “Pennebaker and his colleagues have shown that people who engage in expressive writing have better memories, higher grade point averages, less absenteeism from work, and quicker re-employment after job loss.”

It’s also important to consider writing about both the factual AND emotional aspects of the ideas we’re exploring. Many people tend to use journaling as an emotional dump. According to research, that doesn’t foster growth. We must explore both the details and the feelings behind our situation.

Eurich’s final tip is to journal in moderation. This isn’t easy for me since I usually have something important to write about. But this advice has helped me let go of guilt when I miss a day or two.

Keep in mind that she’s coming at the topic of journaling with the intention to improve self-awareness. So take this advice with a grain of salt and use it to create a journaling practice that works best for you and your goals.

What to Journal About

The answer to the question—what should I journal about?—is another question. What are you trying to accomplish?

The answer to that question has changed many times over my 28 months of journaling. I’ll go through periods where I’m processing things and writing out a story. Other times I’ll work through activities and reflections from a book I’m reading. Sometimes I’m brainstorming and reflecting on a specific question or issue.

Exploring The Enneagram of Belonging in a recent journal entry.

During the in-between times, I have an evolving flow that I’ve adapted from The Five Minute Journal, The Holistic Psychologist’s Future Self Journal, and other random books I’ve read. As much as this flow has changed over the years, it has always started by listing everything I’m grateful for and ends with an affirmation or intention.

Again, I can’t emphasize enough that there is no one size fits all approach. So start experimenting with what you think will work best for you. And when you’re no longer feeling it, don’t be afraid to change it.

Not a fan of writing?

First and foremost, be assured that no one needs to read this, not even you. A lot of anxiety about writing is simply worrying about proper spelling and grammar. This doesn’t matter if you’re the only one who sees it. Just do the best you can and write as you talk.

And don’t be afraid to try other technologies. Try a speech to text application. Use a voice recorder or make a video. It’s all about finding what works for you.

Writing your thoughts is a wonderful way to find clarity and declutter your mind. It will help you to decrease stress and increase mental function. And it will be a welcome addition to your self-care practice.

What are your best journaling tips? Share in the comments below or come tell me all about it on Facebook.

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Feel better and accomplish more with these morning habits

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Can I let you in on a secret? I am not a natural morning person. Honestly, I wake up kind of crabby and just want to be left alone. So my natural tendency is to not get out of bed until absolutely necessary.

In 2011 one of my virtual mentors shared something that changed my life. He suggested that if I got up an hour earlier, I could set myself up for a better day. Since my current routine wasn’t producing the results I desired, I decided to give it a try.

I’m happy to report that nearly a decade later I’m still waking up to a morning routine. It’s morphed a lot over the years but there are key components that haven’t changed. In this post, I’ll tell you what they are and how you can make them a part of your life.

The Power of Habits

This article was initially published in May of 2017. While the habits are much the same, the context has changed tremendously. At the time of this refresh, we’re in the beginning stages of a global pandemic and the US is mourning another case of police brutality.

As we’ve moved through social isolation, working from home, lockdown, fear, and death of loved ones, I noticed that the transition seemed easier for some people. Of course, there are many factors at play like temperament, financial security, and life experience. But the people with strong daily habits seemed to make a much smoother transition. I’m not an expert on the matter but I’d guess that we humans need structure to function and feel safe. And when things start to feel out of control, our habits provide that structure.

I feel certain that we’ll return to a sense of normalcy someday. And when we do, these habits will be just as important to maintain. I’ve heard it said that close to half of our days are spent on autopilot. We do things the way we’ve always done them without thinking about them. Within those routines, I imagine we all have some positive things and a few that are negative. When you build strong daily habits, you can ensure that your time spent on autopilot is doing good for you.

Habits will be there for you when you don’t feel motivated. I don’t know about you but it’s been incredibly difficult to stay focused the last few months of this global pandemic? There are so many unknowns and so much conflicting information. Simple things like getting groceries have become anxiety-inducing half-day events. There have been days that I’ve accomplished very little beyond my daily habits. But through all this, I’ve managed to stick to all of the things that I promised myself I would do each day. And it times like these, that’s all it takes to win some days.

These are a few ways we benefit from creating great habits. More importantly, I invite you to identify your own. Take a moment to think about times in your life when you’ve been saved by your habits. What were the positive outcomes? How did they make you feel?

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” ― Annie Dillard Click To Tweet

Morning Habits

As important as my daily habits are, my morning habits are extra special. My morning habits create a healthy mindset to help me deal with whatever the day brings my way. My morning habits prioritize my life so no matter what happens, I can feel good about accomplishing what’s most important to me. And the longer I stick to my morning habits, the more dividends they pay down the road.

It wasn’t that long ago that my alarm would go off around seven and I woke up feeling exhausted. I’d hit snooze until the very last minute. Before anything else, I’d roll over and check work emails on my Blackberry. Feeling stressed after reading a barrage of threatening emails delivered overnight, I’d start my daily habit of coffee and cigarettes. As I got ready for my day I felt dread over at least one of the meetings I had scheduled that day. Looking back, I can see so many reasons why that was a terrible way to start my day.

My morning looks very different today. And the way I feel is night and day. Back then I felt tired, stressed, and on the verge of a breakdown. Today I feel calm, focused, excited about my day and my future. I still feel stressed at times, I think we all do. But now I know how to manage it in ways that are much less harmful.

This morning routine didn’t happen overnight. I started with one small change and it evolved into what works best for me today. This routine continues to change, and I imagine it always will because I am always changing, thanks to better habits.

It all started when I decided to wake up a couple of hours earlier to work out every day. The next year, I added another habit and began listing all that I was grateful for before I turned on the news and began sifting through email. Later that year I stopped checking email before business hours. And the following year I cut the news. Cutting those two things freed up space to add reading inspirational materials to my morning routine. Most recently I’ve added a daily meditation practice—we’ve been off and on but I’m sold on the benefits this time.

Over the past decade, I’ve experienced how being intentional with the first hour of my day sets the tone for the rest of the day. Think about how you would like your ideal day to look. Now ask yourself what you could do first thing in the morning to facilitate that?

Think about how you would like your ideal day to look. Now ask yourself what you could do first thing in the morning to facilitate that? Click To Tweet

If you’ve been feeling increasingly stressed at work, you might want to start your day with a grounding exercise like meditation or yoga. Or you could cut back on coffee and enjoy a breakfast of nutrient-dense stress-fighting food. If you’ve been feeling panic or worry over the recent news, you could vow to not look at it until after lunch. Instead of the news, you could read something that will help you improve your life and achieve your goals. Continue reading for more ideas to help you create your own life-changing habits.

7 Morning Habits to Start Today

1 – Rise and Shine

Can I make a suggestion you might not want to hear?

Get up earlier!

I get it, I don’t like getting up before the sun unless of course, it’s for an epic sunrise. Generally speaking, it’s hard to get up before the sun’s said its hello. This is especially true during those long winter nights. But every time I make the effort to get up early, I’m so grateful I did.

In addition to epic sunrises, I’ve found other things I love about rising early. I love to watch the earth wake up and the birds and flowers come to life. I love the quiet and calm of this peaceful time. And I also love that I carry a sense that I’ve already accomplished something just by getting up before everyone else.

The key to making it work is to go to bed earlier. You know that hour before bed when you’re too tired to do anything but watch TV or surf the internet? Go to bed! You’ll be better rested, find it easier to get up, and have a clearer head the next morning.

“If we’re too tired to do anything except watch TV or cruise the internet, go to sleep.” – Gretchen Rubin

2 – Disconnect

Another tough one considering our dependence on devices. But on the days I can pull it off, I feel so much better when I restrain from news, email, and social media during that first precious hour.

As I mentioned, this checking in was my MO since the day Blackberries came out. I was filled with stress and worry before I stepped out of bed those days. I feel anxious just thinking about it.

Show yourself some love by only consuming information that makes you feel good during the first thirty to sixty minutes of your day. That means no email, Facebook, or the morning news. Instead try books, podcasts, or uplifting TED Talks.

Feeding your mind with positive content first thing in the morning will set you up to have a positive day. – Holly Scherer

3 – Hydrate

Finally, something that takes very little effort and will make you feel better almost instantly.

Before I drink my first cup of coffee, I down a bottle of water. We lose so much water through our breath and sweat during the night. So it makes sense that drinking water reenergizes me in a way that coffee never could. I still drink my coffee of course, but water first.

To make it simple, I fill my reusable water bottle and set it next to my bed. Then after I brush my teeth I drink up before grabbing my morning coffee. It’s simple and makes a remarkable difference.

4 – Be Grateful

On Valentine’s Day 2012 I started a daily gratitude habit that continues to this day. Starting each day listing everything I’m grateful for brings a sense of contentment, hope, and joy; especially during challenging times.

A daily gratitude practice can be as simple as listing everything you’re grateful for while brushing your teeth. Or consider making it a part of a morning journaling practice. Find what works for you and start building a habit you look forward to.

"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." – Epictetus Click To Tweet

5 – Set You Intention

So much of our days are spent reacting. Personally, I didn’t realize there was another option until I began seeking out mentors who taught me about being proactive. The book below is one of my favorite resources on the topic.

Bring proactive means deciding how you want your day to go before you start responding to everyone else’s requests. It means prioritizing those things that are meaningful to you and doing them first. It means deciding to focus on what’s important, not just what’s urgent.

You can set your daily intention in your journal. Or make a mental note by asking, what’s the most important result I want to see today. This shouldn’t take more than a minute.

When you’re ready to level up consider creating a weekly plan. Each Sunday I sit down a write out a daily schedule: when I’ll get up, go to bed, exercise, eat meals, and work. Then I make a list of all the results I want to accomplish that week in order of priority. I even go as far as to allocate the number of hours I’ll invest in each task. This way I go into the week ready to tackle what’s important rather than responding to what the world throws at me.

“If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” — Jim Rohn Click To Tweet

6 – Feed Your Mind

The messages we see on the news and social media can feel really heavy at times. There are no doubt very real issues in this world of ours. But I also know that I can’t offer my best self to these issues if I’m not nurturing my own mind.

For the last five years and counting, I’ve started each day by reading something spiritual-ish. One year I read the entire bible, including all of the Catholic books. I’ve also read Sufi poetry, books on Buddhism, dove deep into the Enneagram, and have devoured almost everything by Richard Rohr.

I’m not suggesting that you read from the exact same genre, or need to have reading be your medium. I read these materials to help me in my work and to be a better leader in my community. What I feel the need to take in might not be the same for you.

The point is to read, watch, or listen to positive, inspiring, and uplifting material. Find anything that will help you grow into a better version of yourself. There are wonderful books, podcasts, and TED Talks that will inspire you to show up as your best self. Or perhaps you’ll find something of interest in my blog or weekly newsletter. Give it a try for 30 days and watch how it changes your entire day.

7 – Nurture Your Soul

You might not agree with me, but I believe that I am more than my brain and body. There is something else in me that makes me who I am and drives me to be better. So starting my day with a calm centering practice has brought a sense of peace and clarity to my life.

For some people this means prayer, for others, it’s meditation or yoga. I’ve done all three, often in the same practice. Give yourself permission to experiment and find what works best for you. You’ll be amazed by how 15 minutes of calm will bring increased clarity and productivity to the rest of your day.

A morning meditation practice of just 15 minutes will bring immeasurable peace, clarity, and productivity to your day. – Holly Scherer

BONUS – Move Your Body

Daily exercise was initially one of my seven morning habits. It was actually the very first morning habit I stuck to. But as I moved through life and created more flexibility in my schedule, I’m able to shift this habit to fit into the rest of my life.

In the summer months, I’ll often wait until Jer gets off of work so we can exercise together. When the weather is really hot and humid, I’ll get up earlier and finish in the morning.

I didn’t always have this flexibility, however. When I had a “real” job, exercise was the first thing I did every day because I knew that if I didn’t prioritize it, it might not get done.

That’s the reason I made this a bonus item. Exercise doesn’t have to be a part of your morning routine. But it should be a part of your daily routine. Your mind, body, and soul will thank you.

How to Start

If you don’t currently have a morning routine, please don’t try to do all eight of these at once. Decide which of these could have the greatest impact on your life and start with that one. When that becomes a habit, add another. I started with exercise, added gratitude, and everything else evolved from there.

If you screw up, allow yourself grace. Tomorrow’s a new day and the opportunity to begin again. And don’t forget to mix it up to meet your evolving needs as you grow and change.

How to fit it All In

I’m sure you’re wondering how you’ll fit this all in. The first step is to decide how much time you can invest in yourself each morning. Start by getting up just 30 minutes earlier and you can grow from there.

If you’re like me, you’ll want to set a time limit. I could read, journal, and meditate all day long. While these are no doubt important aspects of my life, other things are equally as important. I allow myself an hour and set timers for each activity. That ensures I reap all the rewards of a healthy morning routine while leaving time for other things.

The way you start your day will influence how you respond to the rest of your day. Take a moment to identify your biggest daily struggle. Pick one habit that you think will be most helpful and commit to it for a week. Note how you feel before you begin and also when the week is over. If it’s helpful, make it a habit. If not, keep experimenting to find what works for you.

How has your morning routine affected your day? Share in the comments below or come say hello on Facebook.

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“The antidote to fear is gratitude. The antidote to anger is gratitude. You can’t feel fear or anger while feeling gratitude at the same time.” — Tony Robbins

17 books to transform your life in just 15 minutes a day

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Reading has been an important daily habit of mine for years. Like most children who are exposed to books, I was obsessed. I not only loved to read them but also liked to play library with them.

After graduating from college and having read the world’s most boring textbooks, I quit reading for a few years. When I started again, I picked up deep stories like The Poisonwood Bible and The Celestine Prophecy.

As I transitioned into the expectations of the corporate world, the required travel and long hours took me away from reading again. Looking back, I should have used all those nights away from home to read instead of working. Just one more lesson I learned the hard way.

A decade later I started traveling even more and that’s when I became an audiobook addict. The book that transformed my life and renewed my love of reading was Linchpin by Seth Godin. That was a decade ago and since then I’ve read and listened to hundreds of books that have transformed my mindset and helped my husband, Jer, and I create the life we enjoy today.

If that’s not enough reason to read, here are some other benefits of a daily reading habit. Reading is good for your brain. Just as we need to move and work our bodies to maintain muscle mass, our brains need daily workouts too. Reading helps improve memory, critical thinking, and concentration. It’s also good for your mental health. It reduces stress, and builds confidence, and makes you more empathetic.

Books encourage personal growth and give you interesting things to talk about. As far as hobbies and entertainment go, nothing is more inexpensive. When purchased, books have a great return on investment. But don’t forget about the countless free resources from America’s libraries.

The final reason to read is that once you discover which types of books interest you, reading is fun and enjoyable.

Make it a habit

Finding time to read it the same as finding time for anything else that’s important to you. It’s not so much that you find or make time. Instead, you decide what’s important and schedule it.

The first thing I do every morning after brushing my teeth and grabbing a cup of coffee is read for 15 minutes. My morning books are always something spiritual-ish. It’s a wonderful way to start my day with a positive attitude and good energy.

Another great time to read is right before bed. It’s a fantastic way to wind down and forget about your worries of the day. And if you’re reading a paper book or using a kindle with the device light turned off, you’ll help your eyes adjust from a day filled with screens, helping you sleep better.

Don’t forget about audiobooks. They’re a great way to read more while your hands and eyes are focused on other things. I listen to audiobooks while driving, cooking, cleaning, and exercising. And if you’re on a budget, check out your local library’s offering of downloadable audiobooks and books on CD.

One final tip that will help you read considerably more books this year is to carry a Kindle with you. Instead of picking up your phone while waiting for an appointment or eating lunch, you’ll be able to dive back into that book you’ve been loving. Kindles are a convenient way to carry your entire library wherever you go.

What to read

Some of the most beneficial life skills aren’t taught in schools. So unless you had caregivers who were savvy in all of these areas and excellent coaches to boot, I imagine there are some things you could improve on. That’s certainly the case for me.

These are the seven books I think everyone should read as they transition to adulthood. Even if you had caregivers and teachers who were great coaches on self-control, decision making, interpersonal skills, personal finance, and relationships, I guarantee you’ll gain something from these books.

You can click the title or the photo to be taken directly to the Amazon page for each book. Keep in mind these also make great gifts!

7 Books everyone should read

1 – 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

This is the only book that is duplicated on my other must-read book list. I think it’s that important of a read.

The title may lead you to believe that it’s all about productivity. While it does a great job teaching ways to do more of what’s important to you, this book is about so much more. It’s about making the most of your whole life: your time, health, and relationships.

2 – The Four Agreements

If everyone on earth read this book, our world would be a very different place. It’s a short and easy read that will change how you interact with the world almost immediately. This book will help you reclaim your personal power. You’ll learn to look deeper and approach situations with more confidence and empathy. That’s why it’s my number two must-read.

3 – How to Win Friends and Influence People

This is another book that could change the world if we all read it. Some of the language could be considered dated, but please don’t let that diminish the value of this book.

Human interaction is one of those basic life skills most of us simply weren’t taught. Go out in the world for a day and just observe people and this will be evident. There are many reasons that we don’t always interact well, but much of this we simply never learned. Whether you’re a server, a CEO, or a stay at home dad, this book is certain to improve your interactions.

4 – The 5 Love Languages

Originally meant for couples, understanding love languages can help us with all of our relationships. For example, if you’re a minimalist and have a mother in law whose primary love language is gift-giving, this book will help you find a win-win. By learning to read and respond to her love language, you’ll be able to help her feel valuable by giving gifts, while not being stuck with a bunch of junk to drop off at the Goodwill.

It takes some time to make these tips a habit. But once you do, you’ll find a whole new level of peace in your most important relationships.

5 – Boundaries

I think it’s safe to say that many of us suck (or have sucked) at boundaries. I say this because as I read this book, people I know personally came to mind with every example of poor boundaries. I’ll be the first to admit that boundaries are hard for me too. I’m very clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay with me. I just have a really hard time communicating that.

This is a comprehensive book filled with practical advice and examples to get you started on your journey to better boundaries. All that’s left is to practice.

6 – 48 Days to the Work You Love

Many people in my generation entered college and the workforce with no idea who we were, how we were gifted, and what we were drawn to. This isn’t the worst thing because we’re constantly evolving and we learn by trying new things. That said, as I’m rediscovering who I am, I find that I’m able to tie all of my passions and superpowers back to the very beginning.

My biggest issue with not knowing who we are is that in 2020 we’re still advising young people to go to college and take out hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans. Many parents and advisors still believe that getting a piece of paper will provide young people with a secure job and solve all their problems.

I took that route and ended up starting over at age 38. That’s not to say that I’m against education and learning. This post should be an indicator that I love it. But when young people have no idea what they want, can’t afford it, or worse, don’t want to be there, we need to start having different conversations.

Whether you’re just finishing up high school or find yourself miserable in your midlife career, this book will guide you through those conversations. You’ll rediscover who you are, what you’re exceptionally skilled at, and how to build a work-life around that.

7 – The Total Money Makeover

As a culture, we’re not great with money. That’s why I’m so passionate about sharing our financial journey.

Over the years I’ve read dozens of books about personal finance. I even have some brand new ones queued up on my Kindle for this year. While there’s no one perfect book on the subject, I think this one is as good as it gets. The reason I love it is that the strategy is so simple, anyone can follow it.

Our personal finances affect every aspect of our lives. Don’t you owe it to yourself to enjoy more peace in your family, health, career, and finances? You do and that’s why this is my final must-read book.

Now that I’ve finally put this list together, it’s time to share the best of what I read last year. My book selections aren’t always timely as to when the book was published. But they’re timely to my needs. For example, there’s a book I purchased in 2014 that I just wrapped up at the beginning of this year. I was simply waiting for the right time.

When you finish reviewing my recommendations below, check out my list of 13 Books for More Courage, Clarity, and Confidence. You’ll find some of my favorite books of all time on that list so you won’t want to miss it.

As I mentioned, the following list includes the best books I read last year. I’d love to do this annually because many readers have told me that these lists are valuable to them. So stay tuned for my annual favorite book list.

Let’s get started.

The 10 best books I read last year

1 – Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Let’s start off with the heaviest books and get them out of the way. These two books were very powerful for me this year, so they certainly earned their way to the top. But I promise that there’s lighter stuff below.

I held on to this book for a long time before reading it. I think it was the title I had a hard time with. But the book in and of itself is excellent.

Here’s what I really loved about it. Most of us have some narcissistic tendencies. It’s a sliding scale but many of us have enough that they can affect our relationships with the people we value most, such as our spouses and children. This book covers how to break those narcissistic patterns as well as the trap we fall into when we try to overcorrect. This is a great book for anyone who wants to learn how to improve their most important relationships.

2 – The Body Keeps the Score

I’ve always erred on the side of caution when it comes to recommending psychology books. So many of us have unresolved trauma and I worry that books like this could be more harmful than helpful to some individuals. Still, I found myself recommending this book over and over again to teachers, yoga instructors, and health care professionals. And while listening to the epilogue, I thought that all politicians and voters need to read this book as well. Here’s why.

I was blown away by the stats regarding trauma and Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). “The ACE study revealed that traumatic life experiences during childhood and adolescence are far more common than expected. The study respondents were mostly white, middle class, middle-aged, well educated, and financially secure enough to have good medical insurance, and yet only one-third of the respondents reported no adverse childhood experiences.” “Of the two-thirds of respondents who reported an adverse experience, 87 percent scored two or more. One in six of all respondents had an ACE score of four or higher.”

What if we took this knowledge with us into our daily interactions? Not trying to diagnose or fix people–please don’t try to do that unless you’re an actual professional. Instead, what if we could use this information to see when people are reacting to triggers and in turn respond with empathy and compassion?

In my opinion, this should be required reading for teachers, politicians, and anyone who shapes and influences lives.

3 – Worthy

Have you read all the personal finance books, know exactly what you should do but struggle when it comes time to actually do it? You might have some limiting beliefs about yourself and finances.

I doubt that any of us made it this far in life without picking up at least one limiting belief about money. This book will teach you exercises to uncover these beliefs and help you do the work to change them.

4 – The Art of Asking

If you’ve struggled with limiting beliefs about money, you’ve probably also struggled with asking and receiving. I’ll admit that this has been hard for me too. And while I’m getting better at accepting help, I still consider it one of my greatest weaknesses. As Brené Brown explains:

Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we’re very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It’s as if we’ve divided the world into “those who offer help” and “those who need help.” The truth is that we are both.

― Brené Brown

This book is for us offerers! Listen with an open heart and mind and you’ll be sure to feel more confident when it comes to accepting help. And notice I said listen? This book by punk rocker, Amanda Palmer, is fantastic on audio.

5 – The Road Back to You

The Enneagram was all the rage last year and it continues to grow in popularity. I’ve taken every personality test I know of and this is the one I can most relate to. The Road Back to You isn’t just another book about personality styles. It’s a guide that will help you recognize the connection between your strengths and weaknesses as well as your connection to others.

Not only that, it’s fun to read. So fun, in fact, Jer and I read it aloud to each other while camping last summer. It was a great way to get to know each other on a deeper level and learn how to use our strengths to build a better team. However you choose to read it, I know you’ll love this book.

6 – The Immortal Diamond + Falling Upward

Throughout this post, I’ve mentioned my journey to rediscover my true self. For example, I have to believe that my love of reading is part of my innate sense of curiosity and part of my true self.

We are all born with this understanding of who and what we are. Then our familial and societal conditioning often lead us astray as we aim to become who we think we’re supposed to be. Around midlife, many of us find ourselves on a journey to rediscover the true selves we previously lost touch with.

The Immortal Diamond is an incredible book about our spiritual journey to find ourselves. After reading The Immortal Diamond, you may be craving more Rohr. I recommend diving into his book Falling Upward next.

7 – 10% Happier

I added this book to my Kindle wish list based on recommendations from a few friends. When I noticed a great deal on the book, I went in and read some reviews. I consequently almost didn’t purchase it.

First, there were quite a few negative reviews. And second, did I really want to read a book about meditation written by a news guy? Seriously, a news guy?

But something was telling me to read this. So against my better judgment, I went for it and I’m so grateful that I did. I plowed through this book in less than a week. But more importantly, I started meditating again after quitting for a couple of years because, get this, I couldn’t quiet my mind.

This is a fun and fast read filled with a lot of great resources. I highly recommend you ignore the reviews and give it a shot.

8 – To Shake the Sleeping Self

Just another memoir about someone riding their bike to Patagonia.

Yes, thousands of people have made this journey. But none of these people are exactly the same. And although we were raised in two completely different worlds, there was something really relatable about Jedidiah Jenkins.

The turning point in this book for me was when he wrote about unpacking his (internal) baggage as he rode through Baja California. I could relate to everything he experienced through my recent solo camping and backpacking journey. There’s something about hearing someone else’s story that makes you feel more “normal” and less alone.

If you’ve got some baggage to unpack or just love a great adventure, take this book for a spin. (See what I did there?)

9 – Educated

Oh My God!

I repeated this phrase over and over as I listened to this book twice in a row during backpacking training hikes. This is a simultaneously gut-wrenching and heartwarming story about the resilience of the human spirit. Hard to listen too at times but a reminder that a better future is always possible.

10 – The Longevity Diet

Low carb, keto, and Whole30 are all the rage. Just hop on Pinterest and you’ll find recipes for “healthy” alternatives to all of your favorite foods. Keto brownies, Whole 30 onion rings, and low carb meatloaf come together to make a delicious dinner. But just because they’re “diet” doesn’t mean that they’re healthy nor will they help you lose weight.

Sorry to burst your bubble. But in my well-researched opinion, there’s only one way to maintain good health and a healthy weight. As Michael Pollan famously put it: “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” And my friends who are certified health coaches and hold degrees in nutrition agree.

If you’re interested in learning more about the subject, there are a lot of great books out there such as How Not to Die. But I’m choosing to share The Longevity Diet because it’s shorter and easier to digest and implement.

If you care about more than simply fitting into your favorite jeans from high school, you’re going to love this book.

How to eat an elephant

Between this post and The 13 Books for More Courage, Clarity, and Confidence, I just shared more than 30 books. That’s more than I’d usually recommend but since I plan to do this annually, I wanted to establish a solid foundation. So I’d love to offer one piece of advice to help you digest this list.

Start where you are.

I read the books in the 7 must-read books list over the course of a decade. As I approached a problem I needed to solve, I sought the advice of virtual mentors who had gone before me. I took these in one at a time when I was good and ready.

What one area of your life do you need the most help with right now? Personal finance? Relationships? Discipline and self-control? Pick one book. Start there and read one page at a time.

The average person reads 200 words per minute. The average non-fiction book is about 50,000 words. So in theory, you should be able to read a typical book in less than 5 hours. Using these same figures, if you read 15 minutes every day, you could easily finish every book on this list plus a few fun ones in just 12 short months.

What books are on your must-read list? Share in the comments below or come tell me about them with me on Facebook. Who knows, they could even make next year’s list!

How being wholehearted helped me find my true self

By

Welcome to my personal journey to become more wholehearted. As a lifelong perfectionist, I’ve struggled with my sense of inherent worthiness. For most of my life, I believed that my value as a person was a reflection of my grades, appearance, generosity, job title, income, weight, and net worth. Then one day I realized the perfection I’d been chasing wasn’t an unattainable goal.

Letting go of my need to be perfect opened up a whole new world of opportunity for me. But it hasn’t been easy.

In 2018 I published a vulnerable post about my limiting beliefs that was very difficult to write. The morning it went live I shared the link on social media then went a lecture with a friend. When I returned to my car after the talk, I checked social media to see what people were saying.

There was only one comment and the reader explained they’ve never felt anything like this. Rather than having a rational reaction, like, duh, anyone else who struggles with this isn’t going to speak up publically online, I plummeted into a shame spiral. I told myself, I’m such an idiot for publishing this. Now no one will ever take me seriously. I should just shut it all down and quit. I knew I wasn’t cut out for this. God, I’m so stupid.

I carried that self-doubt into the weekend. I knew these feelings of shame all too well and I wanted nothing more than to stop them. But not just for now. I wanted to put an end to them permanently. So while I cleaned the house that Saturday, I pulled up Brené Brown’s TED Talks about shame and vulnerability and began listening, over and over, for hours on end.

This is the day that my year of wholehearted living began.

As I listened to the talks, I stopped now and then to scribble some notes in the back of my journal. The first line I wrote down was, “People who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging.”

In her research, Brown called these people wholehearted. I wrote down the word, wholehearted, and I knew instantly that was my one word for 2019. I thought, If I could learn to live wholeheartedly, maybe I could let go of all these years of unworthiness and striving for perfection.

Below are some of the other notes I wrote in my journal that day.

  • Wholehearted people share the following qualities: courage, compassion, and connection.
  • Courage isn’t about being brave but telling the story of who you are with your whole heart.
  • The wholehearted have the courage to be imperfect.
  • Wholehearted people are willing to let go of who they thought they were supposed to be in order to be who they are.
  • Wholehearted people embrace vulnerability.
  • The wholehearted believe that what makes them vulnerable also makes them beautiful.

I wanted to live all of these things more than anything. So in order to hold myself accountable, I decided to share my wholehearted journey with my email subscribers. I picked a theme for each month, incorporating Brown’s 10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living and got to work. I used this list because I knew it would challenge me. If I were creating my own, there’s no way things like laughter, song, and dance would have made the cut.

It wasn’t easy at first. I had to fight a lifetime of limiting beliefs. There were times I thought it would be easier to go back to the way I lived a decade ago, numbing this discomfort and vulnerability with cigarettes, booze, and food. But then I remembered how hard I worked to get to where I am today and I used that to keep moving forward.

For an entire year, I followed the plan I share with you below. And then one day I felt it. I was hiking in a neighborhood park and I noticed a feeling of wholeness and worthiness. I felt wholehearted.

It wasn’t because I was outside or because I was being a good girl and exercising. I felt worthy just for being. I was so grateful that all of this deliberate practice was finally becoming a part of who I am. Let me assure you that this feeling still comes and goes. But at least now I know it’s in there somewhere.

Here’s how I became more wholehearted.

Step One – You Are Worthy

The first step is to practice believing that you are worthy of love and belonging. You are worthy just as you are today. Not when you lose 10 pounds or get that promotion.

This can be a difficult mindset switch for those of us who were raised in cultures where our value was tied to our achievements. But think of how different your life would be if you could let go of the belief that your worthiness is tied to your “success”.

While I was working through this step, I happened upon this podcast episode that brought a lot of clarity to the topic. Whatever you believe spiritually, consider listening. I believe the message is valuable to everyone and that it will help you on your wholehearted journey.

Step Two – Just Say No

The second step to become more wholehearted is learning to say, “No” to anything that challenges that sense of worthiness. This could include anything from friends, family, and coworkers, to social media, and your own disempowering beliefs.

If my interactions on social media are causing me to question my worthiness, I need to step away. When a story I’m telling myself makes me feel unlovable, I need to rewrite that script. If there’s a person in my life who communicates with venom and insults, I need to take a step back until I can respond in a healthy manner.

Learn to recognize what’s triggering your feelings of unworthiness and find the courage to just say no.

Step Three – Let Go

The next ten steps follow The 10 Guideposts for Wholehearted Living. If you want to dive deeper into the guideposts, I recommend reading Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection.

The first guidepost to wholehearted living is to cultivate authenticity by letting go of what people think. I wrote an entire post about authenticity that you can read here.

Letting go of what people think, however, isn’t easy for most of us. And here’s why. Brown says, “when we stop caring about what people think, we lose our capacity for connection. When we become defined by what people think, we lose our willingness to be vulnerable.”

This is how I walk through the process of letting go without losing my ability to be vulnerable.

1 – I catch myself.

When I published that post on limiting beliefs, for example, I was stuck in a shame spiral. I was repeating variations of, “Ugh, I can’t believe what I shared about my limiting beliefs. Everyone is going to think I’m crazy. No one will ever take me seriously again. I’m going to have to shut this all down and get a job as a cashier at Aldi.”

2 – I ask what I can learn.

This was obviously triggering some old wounds. What could I learn from this experience that would prevent me from going to this place in the future?

I came to the realization that even if a thousand people hate that post but it helps one person, then it was worth it. I also learned that it’s impossible to please everyone and if you try, you will disappoint everyone, including yourself.

3 – It’s not about you.

So often, when we’re worried about what other people think, we don’t actually know what they think. We’re just responding to a story we made up in our heads.

But occasionally we’re reacting to something someone actually said. Ask yourself if the comments were meant to be helpful or hurtful? Most of us aren’t good at receiving feedback even if it’s constructive. Like everything I talk about in this post, it’s a skill we have to learn. If you believe the comment was meant to help you, spend time reflecting on what you can take away and incorporate.

Sometimes the things people say are meant to hurt us. In these cases, the comments are rarely, if ever, about us. You’ve likely heard the phrase, “hurt people hurt people”? It’s not about you but their own pain and shame. If you’d like to learn more about how to stop taking these comments personally, check out the book The Four Agreements.

Step Four – Self-Compassion

The next steps is cultivating self-compassion by letting go of perfectionism.

“When we work from a place where we believe that I’m enough, we stop screaming and start listening. We’re kinder and gentler to the people around us and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.”

– Brené Brown

I told you about my struggle with perfectionism at the very beginning of this post. I wore perfectionism as a badge of honor for most of my life. Then one day I realized that it wasn’t making me better. It was paralyzing me and preventing me from achieving my potential. So for this step, I adopted a new mantra.

My best is always enough!

“There was a man who wanted to transcend his suffering so he went to a Buddhist temple to find a Master to help him. He went to the Master and asked, ‘Master, if I meditate four hours a day, how long will it take me to transcend?’

The Master looked at him and said, ‘If you meditate four hours a day, perhaps you will transcend in ten years.’

Thinking he could do better, the man then said, ‘oh Master, what if I meditate eight hours a day, how long will it take me to transcend?’

The Master looked at him and said, ‘If you meditate eight hours a day, perhaps you will transcend in twenty years.’

‘But why will it take me longer is I meditate more?’ the man asked.

The Master replied. ‘You are not here to sacrifice your joy or your life. You are here to live, to be happy, and to love. If you can do your best in two hours of meditation, but you spend eight hours instead, you will only grow tired, miss the point, and you won’t enjoy your life. Do your best, and perhaps you will learn that no matter how long you meditate, you can live, love, and be happy.’”

– Don Miguel Ruiz; The Four Agreements

The next time you catch yourself rumbling with not good enough, ask yourself, did I do the best I could? If the answer is yes, tell yourself you did great. If the answer is no, be compassionate with yourself. To err is human and it’s your humanity that makes you beautiful.

Step Five – Resilience

The next guidepost to wholehearted living is cultivating resilience by letting go of numbing and powerlessness. This guidepost reminds me of something Brown said in her TED Talk and touches on in all of her books.

“We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted, and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.”

– Brené Brown

She goes on to say that you can’t selectively numb emotions. When you try to cover up all the “bad” stuff like pain, anger, and fear with a drink or two or five, you also cover up all the good stuff like joy, and love, and gratitude. And then we find ourselves “miserable and looking for purpose and meaning and then we feel vulnerable…” and the cycle of numbing continues.

I know how easy it is to fall into this cycle. When we think about numbing, we tend to only consider drugs and alcohol. But I’ve seen shopping, gambling, pills, exercise, food, and social media be just as harmful.

The average person picks up their phone about 60 times per day. Have you ever stopped to think about what you’re feeling when you pick it up? I’ve noticed that I tend to pick up my phone to distract me when I’m feeling uneasy.

Here are some things that help with my resilience when I’m feeling uneasy and powerless.

  • Journaling
  • Talking to someone I trust
  • Exercise
  • Meditation and prayer
  • Yoga
  • Positive self-talk
  • Positive media — books, audiobooks, podcasts, Ted talks, YouTube
  • Getting out in nature

Step Six – Be Grateful

Cultivate joy and gratitude by letting go of scarcity.

On Valentine’s Day 2012 I started a Gratitude Journal. It’s one of the first things I do each morning to this day. And I believe that it’s one of the best things you can do to live with joy and contentment.

We live in a world that operates on scarcity. Go into almost any workplace and you’ll find scarcity acted out.

Here’s an example. A local coffee shop brings in an expert to help with their marketing. Everyone who had anything to do with marketing before refuses to work with the expert, saying things like, “he came from the tech industry, what does he know about coffee shops?” What’s really happening in this situation, and every similar workplace conflict, is that these employees are reacting from a place of fear and scarcity.

I have a great post on scarcity as it pertains to personal finance, but you can apply the principles to any area of life. You can read it here.

Step Seven – Have Faith

Remember that part about using these guideposts because I knew I wouldn’t do things that were uncomfortable otherwise? This is one of those steps. Cultivating intuition and trusting faith by letting go of the need for certainty.

I love certainty SO MUCH! I’m a type-A, researcher, planner, and ducks-in-a-rower, to a T. I find it really hard to operate without certainty.

One of my goals last year was to take a solo backpacking trip. I had camped alone a lot, but being alone in the dark wilderness was a new level of scary. Initially, I planned to do a couple of nights in a state park remote campsite. I don’t how, but somehow that turned into a five-day, 85-mile hike on the Superior Hiking Trail.

This was the longest hike I’d ever attempted and my first time backpacking solo. I planned to do the most beautiful section of trail which also meant it was the most difficult. It’s a challenging trail with lots of rocks, roots, and steep descents. And coming off one of the wettest years in history, it was insanely muddy. This ankle-deep mud cut my normal speedy pace in half. While hiking, it rained for two days straight which made my pack about 10 pounds heavier with everything being wet.

It was hard and I saw a lot of people quit. But I was able to tap into gratitude, intuition, and trusting faith and keep on walking. I beat my goal and then some. I even completed my first ever 20-mile day. And the only way this was possible was by letting go of my need for certainty and to just have faith.

Step Eight – Stop Comparing

Cultivate creativity by letting go of comparison.

Think back to when you were eight years old. I bet you loved being creative. I adored coloring, crafts, embroidery, photography, pottery, writing, dance, and I even created a better dewy decimal system for when I played library.

As I got older, all of those creative things I loved doing started to disappear one by one. After I graduated from college, I saw creativity as frivolous and a waste of time. I was an “adult” and it was time to do “adult” things.

But here’s the truth; we’re all creative. Either we use it or we stifle it. And I’ve learned that stifling our innate strengths and desires leads to anger, resentment, and hopelessness.

To unleash our inherent creativity, we must move past those things that stand in our way. We’ve covered many of these roadblocks already: worrying about what other people think, perfectionism, and fear. And comparison is just one more roadblock.

Our ability to compare can be a good thing when trying to buy the healthiest food for our family while grocery shopping. But comparison can turn ugly when we start comparing ourselves to others. It’s impossible to compare ourselves because we all have unique stories and experiences.

Here are some ideas to help you move beyond comparison.

  • Celebrate your accomplishments.
  • Create a smile file of awards and compliments.
  • Practice gratitude daily.
  • Write daily affirmations.
  • Commit to only comparing yourself to the person you were yesterday.

Step Nine – Rest

In step nine we’ll cultivate play and rest by letting go of the idea that our worth is tied to our accomplishments.

I know I’m not the only one who has fallen into the achievement trap. Many Americans work WAY TOO MUCH! When I worked in the corporate world, there were times I was forced to work 14+ hour days for more than three weeks straight. I will argue that this is unhealthy until the day I die. Yet I had colleagues who worked like this all the time. And those of us who refused were often shamed or threatened.

There are many reasons that we work this much. Our belief that our worthiness is tied to our accomplishments is just one of those reasons. So I’d like to share an epiphany I had one morning while journaling.

All that time I spent communing with nature the last few summers hasn’t been wasted nor frivolous. It’s been a time of healing and growth. It’s part of my story and all of the future work I’ll do. It didn’t put me behind, but exactly where I need to be.

If we don’t take time to care for our minds, bodies, and spirits, they won’t be here for us when we need them most. If we don’t stop and let ourselves heal, our bodies will eventually force us to. Taking time to stop and listen isn’t being lazy. Spending time in nature isn’t wasted. Rest is a natural part of life and ignoring it won’t help you be your best.

It’s during this downtime that I come up with some of my best and most popular content ideas. Our time away has helped us create our best life and has brought new ideas for our future. And more than anything, it’s helped me learn to love myself better.

Not taking time to rest is not only a disservice to yourself, but also your family, friends, coworkers, and every life you touch. Be sure and schedule downtime weekly and a few longer vacations at least twice a year. Ten, twenty, fifty years from now, you’ll be grateful you did.

– Me

Step Ten – Keep Calm

Cultivating calm and stillness by letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle.

As much as diet and exercise, getting good rest and reducing stress are vital to our health and longevity. As someone who is more of a naturally anxious person, I’ve had to work hard to make stillness part of my daily life.

For the last several years, I’ve made calm and stillness part of the first hour of my day. My current morning routine includes reading something that feeds my soul, followed by writing a couple of pages in my journal. Then I end my power hour with a quick meditation session.

If you need more calm in your life, would you consider taking a 30-day challenge? For the next 30 days, commit to setting aside at least five minutes a day to center and calm. I enjoy doing it first thing in the morning as it sets the tone for the rest of my day. Perhaps you may enjoy five minutes of quiet before you greet your family after a long workday, or before you drift off to sleep at night.

Commit to just 30 days for five minutes. If you find that benefits you, try ten minutes for the next 30-day period and let it grow from there.

Step Eleven – Find Meaning

In this step, we’ll focus on letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to” in order to cultivate meaningful work.

Growing up, I believed the purpose of work was to make money and be “successful.” It was what you were “supposed to” do. I was never told that I should find something that aligned with my skills and passions. Nor did I believe that work could be meaningful. So I went to college, took the job that offered the most money, and ended up miserable at “The Worst Company in America to Work For.”

Those expectations of what we’re “supposed to” do run deep in our families and culture. This reminds me of a conversation I had with a woman while I was traveling this past summer. She said, “That’s one of my biggest regrets in life. All three of my sons are very successful, but neither of my daughters work. I don’t know what I did wrong.”

I’m pretty sure she knew that I didn’t “work” either, but I didn’t take it personally. I responded by saying, “Many of us learn that our value lies in our achievements and that couldn’t be further from the truth. I believe that while we’re here, we should use our gifts and talents to serve and provide value. But that doesn’t mean a woman who makes it to the C suite is a better human than the woman (or man) who chooses to stay home and raise their family.”

Everyone’s work has value. I appreciate the person who clears the leaves from the stairs in the park as much as the person who oversees park maintenance. I value the person who harvested the beans that made my morning coffee as much as the guy who started the company that buys and roasts the beans and gets them to the store.

All jobs are important. It doesn’t matter what your parents, spouse, or high school best friend thinks you should do. What matters is that the work is meaningful to you.

Finding and creating meaningful work after a lifetime of “supposed to” isn’t something that happens overnight. And you don’t necessarily need to be employed or get paid for this work. Meaningful work can be a hobby, side project, volunteer effort, or it can mean taking the very best care of your household and family.

Step Twelve – Laugh Out Loud

My final step in my 12 step program to live more wholeheartedly was letting go of being cool and always in control by cultivating laughter, song, and dance.

Ugh, being in control is my love language you guys. Ain’t nobody got time for laughter, song, and dance …except this guy.

My husband, Jeremiah, leads with playful and it’s brought so much joy to our lives. These playful times are just as good for the soul as any of the prayer, meditation, and serious things we do.

So how do we create margin for more play in our lives? Here are a few suggestions.

1 – Switch up your daily routine.

Play seems to come more easily when I step away from the day-to-day. I loosen up when we’re on vacation or in the woods. But since being on a permanent vacation isn’t feasible and would likely lose its appeal, we need to look for other ways to switch it up.

Instead of sitting down to watch TV after dinner, go for a walk or play on the playground. Ride your bike or take public transit to work. Find little ways to switch up your routine that will inevitably invite more play into your life.

2 – Schedule downtime.

Just as I need to schedule time to work on specific projects each week, I need to schedule time to shut it all down. I try to schedule one day a week to let go and play. On a daily basis, I like to schedule an hour when I can do whatever I want. And then, of course, longer vacations are a great way to really let loose.

But if you’re anything like me, you need to schedule it or it won’t happen. This time we spend taking care of ourselves is just as important as any work-related activity.

3 – Tap into your inner child.

What did you love doing as a child but haven’t tried in years? GO DO THAT!

I loved playing outside, riding bike, and ice skating. I think a lot of us had things like this we loved to do. And then somewhere along the line, many of us lost touch with those things.

What brought Jer and I back to playing outside was getting serious about our finances. When we buckled down to pay off our mortgage, our lack of an entertainment budget forced us to do free things like hiking and biking. And cutting back on fancy vacations is what got us started on our camping journey.

When we take care of our own needs, we bring the best of ourselves to others. While much of what we think of as self-care can be serious work, this assignment got me thinking about the importance of play.

What will you go and try just like you’re a kid again?

Here are three more things that helped me become more wholehearted this year.

Step Thirteen – Talk about it

I had a lot of long meaningful chats with a friend on training hikes this past summer. It brought to surface a number of issues that were unknowingly holding me back. It fostered connection and helped me feel less alone. And it helped reinforce the healthy behaviors I was trying to adopt.

Step Fourteen – Get Outside

In Step Seven, I talked about cultivating trusting faith on a solo backpacking trip. The last few summers I’ve been learning just how important spending time in nature is for me. It’s made such a big difference in my life that I try to go into the woods every day I can. I believe that connecting with nature is something we could all benefit from.

Step Fifteen – Read

Wholehearted people are willing to let go of who they thought they were supposed to be in order to be who they are. – Brené Brown Click To Tweet

I read a lot of books, and this one stood out as particularly helpful on my journey to become more wholehearted. It’s about our search for wholeness and rediscovering our true selves. And as Richard Rohr writes, “You do not climb up to your True Self. You fall into it, so don’t avoid all falling.” I’d say that’s a pretty good summary of this year of wholehearted living.

Why should living wholeheartedly be important to you?

You are the key to healing this hurting and broken world. When you learn to fully love and accept yourself, you will finally be able to love others the way they need to be loved. This will, in turn, allow them to fully love and accept themselves and love others the way they need to be loved. It’s a ripple effect that all starts with you.

“Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn’t change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.”

– Brené Brown; Daring Greatly

You ARE worthy of love and belonging and my hope is that these 15 steps to wholehearted living will help you see that.

Start Living in Abundance When You Change This Financial Belief

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Our thoughts and beliefs affect all areas of our lives; our success, relationships, health, and finances. Over the years I’ve come to recognize a very common belief about money that limits our ability to prosper. This belief not only applies to our financial lives but every other area of our lives as well. Continue reading to find out if you have this belief and if you do, learn what you can do to change it.

I was chatting with a friend the other day and I commented on how he’s been working on the same house forever. He went on to tell me more about the project. It’s a 14,000 square foot home for a couple of 30-somethings. It has eight bathrooms and a budget of 10 million dollars. After my initial “holy crap!” I said, “I need to get into their line of work.” He said… wait for it… “They don’t work. It’s family money.”

What?! We don’t even get birthday cards from our family. So the idea of a 10 million dollar home completely blows my mind. Like, how much money does this family have that one member is building a home worth $10 million?

The old me would have said something like, “who needs a house that big?” Or, “must be nice to not have to work.” But the current me kind of chuckled at how crazy different their reality is from anything I’ve ever known. And then I said, “Good for them. That’s not how I’d spend $10 million on real estate. But I hope their building something that brings them joy.”

And I truly meant it.

The old Holly would have been bitter because I had a belief that there was a fixed amount of wealth to go around. If one couple had $10 million to build a home, that meant there was $10 million less to go around. Which meant there was less for me.

I believed that wealth was a zero-sum game. Or maybe it’s easier to think of it like a pizza. I thought that when someone did well and got five pieces that meant there were only three pieces left for everyone else. I didn’t consider that you could simply make more pizzas.

Most economic fallacies derive from the tendency to assume that there is a fixed pie, that one party can gain only at the expense of another. – Milton Friedman Click To Tweet

As I began to learn more about money, I learned that wealth isn’t a pizza with eight slices. It’s like literacy. There’s not a fixed number of people who can be literate. Throughout history, as more people learned to read and write, the literacy rate grew. Literacy begets literacy.

Wealth creation works the same way. There’s not a fixed amount of prosperity in the world. Like literacy, wealth can grow.

In his book, Business Secrets from the Bible, Rabbi Daniel Lapin teaches that money is spiritual. Yes, legal tender, like $100 bill is physical. But the concept of money is not. When you view money as a physical object, you believe it is finite. If it’s finite, then you can only get money by taking it from someone else.

When you see money as spiritual, it becomes infinite and everyone can win. Engaging in economic transactions creates money. This is why the stock market continues to grow and the central bank continues to mint new money.

When you view money as an object, you believe it's finite. If it’s finite, you can only get money by taking it from someone. When you see money as spiritual, it becomes infinite and everyone can win. – Rabbi Lappin Click To Tweet

Here’s a modern-day example of how wealth is created. In 2007, Joe Gebbia and Brian Chesky started Airbnb. Ten years later, the company boasted a $31 BILLION valuation.

Was this money taken from the prosperity pizza leaving $31 billion less for the rest of the world?

Quite the contrary. Airbnb created new a new opportunity for virtually anyone to create wealth. My husband, Jer, and I traveled to Mexico earlier this year and saw firsthand how platforms like Airbnb are helping families make ends meet.

A skeptic might argue that they’re taking from someone. The skeptic would say they’re stealing business from the big hotel chains or the hostels. But after a recent last-minute trip to Hawaii, I beg to differ. Trying to find decent lodging last minute was an adventure, to say the least.

The creation of Airbnb has not only been good for the founders, but also their employees, investors, property owners, travelers, airlines, rental cars, and the travel industry as a whole. There’s even a whole new niche of businesses created to serve property owners. I’ve also noticed growth with other vacation rental sites like VRBO. Like literacy, wealth begets wealth.

Now for the moment of truth. Do you possess a belief that wealth is a fixed pie?

If you do, go easy on yourself. We all have diverse backgrounds and experiences that have come together to form our worldview. Many of these experiences you didn’t choose so you don’t have to continue to carry them with you. Give yourself permission to embrace a growth mindset and keep learning and improving.

Whether or not you see wealth as a fixed pie, these three practical tips will help you live with more wealth and abundance.

1 – Educate Yourself

I love books. They’re something I can pick up in the evening when I have downtime, or grab and bring with me to appointments. When I traveled for work I listened to tons of audiobooks. Here are some of my favorite titles that will help you build wealth.

You can find lots of other resources here on my blog. Podcasts and YouTube offer more wonderful opportunities to learn. And don’t forget to look into classes through local churches or community education.

Most of us weren’t taught about personal finances in our schools or families of origin. But that’s no excuse to stay stuck with a negative belief. Empower yourself to thrive financially by learning more about money.

2 – Think Collaboration over Competition

I’ll admit that this isn’t something that came naturally for me either. From the beginning, we’re taught to win. We’re graded on a curve and only a handful of people can get the highest grade or the biggest raise. Only one team can win the sports ball trophy and only one runner comes in first in a marathon.

But business and wealth creation don’t work this way. Over the last 20 year I learned that collaboration always wins.

Your success in business isn't graded on a curve. There aren't a fixed number of A's or bonus dollars to be divided. That's why collaboration always wins long-term. Click To Tweet

Before going out on my own, I worked for a large corporation as a business coach. I have fond memories of one business owner, in particular, who was leaps and bounds ahead of his competition in terms of sales and profitability. While he’s a driven and competitive person at heart, he’s a collaborator when it comes to business. He was the only client I worked with who would freely share his knowledge, resources, and staff with his competitors. His collaborative mindset served him then and continues to serve him today as he remains on top of that business and is creating an exciting life most of us could only dream of.

3 – Be a Giver

Secret number 34 in Business Secrets from the Bible is that giving money makes you feel rich. The reasons that givers win with money could be (and now is) an entire blog post of its own. I’ll keep it simple for this post but if you want to learn more about how giving makes you rich, check out this post here.

In this book Give and Take, Adam Grant explains how the world is made up of givers, takers, and matchers. Most people are matchers. When a matcher works with a giver, they want to help them and see them win. When a matcher works with a taker, they can’t wait until the taker eventually gets what they deserve.

Nobody likes a taker, so be a giver instead. It will change your mindset, relationships, and your happiness.

In every area of our lives, our success is tied to our beliefs. While many of the beliefs we learned growing up are beyond our control, we have the power to change them. By educating yourself, collaborating, and giving, you’ll shift your mindset and enjoy a more abundant life. And there’s nothing you deserve more than a life that’s overflowing with love, health, and wealth.

By educating yourself, collaborating, and giving, you’ll shift your mindset and enjoy a more abundant life. Click To Tweet

What belief about money has held you back from fulfilling your potential?
Share in the comments below or come tell me about it on Facebook.

This post was originally published in March of 2018. It has been completely revamped for accuracy, comprehensiveness, and readability. Please enjoy and feel free to share this newly revised content.

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